this is a really really petty thing to be upset about since i want to live in an apartment where we can share food but when we each spend our own money on ben & jerry’s ice cream and there are three pints in the freezer…….don’t eat someone else’s????? like i didn’t buy my favorite flavor for someone else to eat pretty much all of it and leave a little sliver at the bottom for me
pairing: atsushi/dazai words: 4800+ notes: AU from @a-k-u-t-a-g-a-w-a‘s (now ichiyo-higuchi’s) post! summary: Atsushi isn’t sure how he got tangled up with Dazai, coven traitor turned vampire hunter, but he’s glad he did. Maybe.
“Neil pushed himself up with unsteady hands and retreated to Kevin’s desk with his ice cream. Getting the plastic safety seal off was the hardest thing he’d done all year, but at least it gave him an excuse to not look at Nicky.”
So he just forgot e.g. the two weeks he spent with the Ravens because Andrew kissed him? :)
In this chapter, the angst goes down, so if you were waiting to read until the storm passes, the rain clears a little here. But alas, Jamie and Claire still have a little more to work out. Hope you enjoy, let me know what you think!
The London sky was gloomy and dark. The clouds thinly spread out in an ominous looking pattern as thunder growled in the distance. It cast the park in a grey hue, feeding into my own misery. Despite the weather, there were many people out enjoying the dusk.
As I walked past a playground tucked in a corner of the park, I heard children squealing with delight as they ran around together, parents keeping a watchful eye as the light faded from the sky. I glanced over and saw a bright red head of a little one, the vibrant hair glistening like a star among the bleak landscape.
Gasping, I looked away as my heart squeezed. I had dared to imagine a child of mine looking like that in the last month. A child of Jamie’s. But now, there may be a child born in the next year with that same hair, but he wouldn’t be mine.
I walked as quickly as I could to escape the reminder of my pain. The barren trees kept me company as my feet took me took me away with no sense of direction. The barren limbs looked sad without their leaves, like an incomplete whole just waiting until they could come together again and bloom anew.
That’s how I felt without Jamie. An incomplete whole, wandering aimlessly without my other half. The breath went out of my body as I realized what I left. And I couldn’t seem to escape the haunted look on his face as I walked out the door.
I collapsed on a bench, the cold metal piercing through my coat. I pushed my hair out of my face and leaned my heavy, throbbing head into my hands.
Tears ran down my cheeks as I wrapped my arms around myself. A sad excuse for the arms that I ached for. I felt the ghost of his embrace, as if the strength he had given me in the short month we had known each other was still around me like a cloak.
And what had I given him in return? Judgment and anger. I had shattered his trust in me as I shattered the beautiful roses he gave me in celebration of our love.
Perhaps, this was the cost of that love that bloomed so quickly between us. A weed that we had to pull out before it killed the beautiful new flower before it could blossom. What did I want? Certainly not what I was doing now. Not sitting here alone in the cold. My hands trembled at the thought of being alone again. I was always able to be by myself. It was always easy for me. And though each loss I had faced in my life brought storms and rain, it was nothing like the bitter cold that surrounded me now. Nothing was worse than losing Jamie.
But I didn’t have to lose him, a small voice whispered in my head. We didn’t have to end. We could still have a life together, the life that I imagined for us, but just possibly with another person in it that I could have never predicted.
And maybe I would just have to risk that possibility. If keeping Jamie meant having to help raise a child not my own, I would have to try. My love for him would give me the strength to overcome the challenges and pain that the future may bring.
Quickly, I fumbled in my coat pocket for my phone, cursing as the icy wind met my bare skin as I tore off my glove to unlock my phone. A whimper left me as I saw my lock screen. A photo of us at the pub, our flushed faces pressed together as we clung to each other after a night of drink.
My lips tingled at the memory of later that night when we had half stumbled and half fallen into bed.
I shook my head slightly and quickly went into my recently called and clicked his name. With each ring, my heart grew heavier and heavier. Was he ignoring me? Did he feel betrayed at the way I had acted?
I bit my lip hard in panic as I jumped up from the bench and ran out of the park. I had to see him, I had to make sure he knew that I loved him and we would get through this. No matter the cost.
No answer. Just the sad echo of my voice against an empty space.
I slumped against the door of my flat in despair as the barren room mocked me. The room didn’t look like a disaster anymore. The glass was cleaned up and the crushed rose petals were no where to be found. I tried calling him once more and still no answer.
“Jamie, it’s me. I’m so sorry for how I acted, please call me back. We need to talk.”
Sighing, I hit end and clutched the phone to my heart. Glancing at the clock, I saw it was half past ten. Where would he be? Perhaps, walking London aimlessly as I had done or had gone to his own flat. Or maybe talking to her. I refused to even think her name as anger washed through me again. Not at Jamie, at her.
I pressed the heel of my hands against my eyes hard. The pub? He could have gone to drown his sorrows. I knew he would not be able to bare to sit in this room, with so many memories of us here. As I couldn’t stand it. I needed to find him tonight. With renewed purpose, I grabbed my bag and again headed out the door, but this time to find Jamie, not run from him.
It was a quarter after eleven when I finally reached the pub. It was bustling and packed, as per usual on a Friday night. The joyful chatter and laughs of friends celebrating the end of another week. I stood on my tip toes, trying to seeing past all the tipsy costumers. I pushed my way to the bar to see Duncan, the other bartender along with Jamie, making drinks.
His eyes met mine over the large pint of beer he was holding and held up one finger. As I waited, I tried to spot a red head in the crowd, my heart leaping when I caught sight of a flash of red and falling when I saw the ponytail attached to said head.
“Are ye lookin’ for Jamie, lass?”
Turning back, I saw Duncan leaning towards me. “Yes, have you seen him?”
He nodded his head to the very back corner of the pub. “Thanks,” I mumbled as I turned and craned my head to see in the back darkened corner.
My heart skipped a beat as I saw the top of the familiar red head. Pushing past the warm and sweaty bodies seemed to take an eternity. My chest tightened and hands shook from anxiety. Would he forgive me?
I stopped just short of him. He had his back turned to the pub and his head in his hands, a whiskey bottle and a glass set next to his right hand. His shoulders were tense in his white t-shirt, his jacket no where to be seen. He must have walked here without one in the freezing cold. I could see the muscles straining underneath the surface and I ached to smooth them away. His shoulders briefly shuddered and he clutched his hair in his hands in a vice grip.
I threw myself at his back, sobbing into his shirt as I clung to him like a child.
He jumped at my embrace and turned slowly around to me. Still, I held tight to his shirt, afraid that if I let go, he would disappear from me and I would never find him again. My face was wet with tears as he looked at me like I was a stranger. Unable to comprehend that I was before him, he reached out and traced my cheek in the air, not touching my skin.
“Mo ghràidh,” he whispered through a tight throat as his blue eyes glistened with emotion. His cheeks were flushed pink, either from the drinks or the warmth of the room. His breath smelled strongly of whiskey, giving me a hint at how long he had been here.
“I’m here, sweetheart. I’m so sorry for earlier, I,” I choked off and looked down at the filthy floor before meeting his intense gaze again. “I…please forgive me, Jamie. I love you. So much.”
I threw myself into his arms and clutched his shirt in my hands, crushing his body against mine. I felt all the breath go out of him as finally held me, twining his strong arms around my waist. And if not for those arms, I would have collapsed from relief in the feel of his embrace. And I had known without a doubt that I had made the right choice, nothing would part him from me. And I would never let him go.
“No, Claire. It is I who should be saying sorr-“
I cut him off with a kiss, pressing my lips to his until they molded together as one and his breath became mine. Reviving me. Loving me.
Gently, I pulled my mouth an inch away from his and moved my fingers to brush his chapped lips. “It’s alright. We are together and that is enough for now.”
His eyebrows drew together in confusion as I brushed his stubbly cheek. “But-
“No. No buts. We can talk later. About everything and about all the consequences, but for now, for tonight, I just want you.”
He looked at me in incomprehension, like I was speaking some foreign language. I kissed the crinkled spot between his eyebrows before kissing his stunned lips again.
“All that matters is I love you and you love me,” I cocked my eyebrow in question and he hastily nodded his head as his fingers that were caressing my back balled my jacket in a fist. I noticed the spots on his white shirt that had turned translucent when my tears fell on him.
“Then, the rest can wait. Nothing will take you from me. Nothing in this world.”
A small noise came from his throat as he moved his hand to cradle the back of my head as if I was a priceless gem, worth the most value in the world. Everything except him faded, the noise and the sights. All that was left was us and our love, closed in a small corner together.
A tear escaped the corner of his eye as he looked at me with the most love I had ever seen on a person’s face. His tender and passionate eyes warmed me like the sun and all the clouds in my heart were pierced by the oceans in his blue eyes.
“I love ye, so much, mo nighean donn,” he spoke in a heavy voice as it cracked at the end from raw emotion. He ran his fingers through my hair and brushed a strand stuck to my cheek away.
“Then, take me home.”
He traced my lips with his thumb as his own mouth trembled, searching for words and not finding any.
Slowly, he let go of me and leaned back slightly. He took my hand, closed his eyes, and dipped his head in a bow to me, kissing the back of my hand like I was a queen he worshiped.