I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun.
A handshake is as good as a hug.
Did I ever tell you what this little button does?
I am not a piece of Lalique. I can handle criticism.
I just don’t think it’s very smart to make rude gestures at other drivers.
Remind me again what you do for a living.
Excuse me, excuse me. Exactly how long have I been asleep?
At Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. If I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn’t be able to locate my interest in your problem.
Why is it that whenever we try to have a serious discussion, we always end up talking about your sex life?
My taekwondo instructor says I’m just two moves away from becoming quite threatening.
God, you look like you’ve been ridden hard and put away wet.
I hate the way those whiny sick people are always nagging you for things. “I want a magazine!” “I want a kidney!”
Can you tell me, with any certainty, that in such a vast universe there isn’t intelligent life on other planets?
There’s nothing wrong with you that wouldn’t be cured by a little sun, some exercise and a personality.
Couldn’t we just go to the woods, kill something and be done with it?
Popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity.
It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.
Is this the way you spend your days when I’m not at home?
How much fire power do you suppose is necessary to embed a cherry in an acoustic ceiling tile?
You unprincipled charlatan! You unconscionable fraud!
I have made a fist and I’m thinking of using it!
I, for one, happen to believe in the kindness of strangers.
I’ve only just recently realized how important you are to us.
I usually get some sign when ___ is in town: dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the wall…
It may be an unwise man who doesn’t learn from his own mistakes, but it’s an absolute idiot that doesn’t learn from other people’s.
You don’t realize how desperate I am.
No matter how provoked you may have been, there is no earthly justification for setting someone’s lawn on fire!
You spend money like a drunken sailor.
See a therapist.
Why is it so easy to love our families, yet so hard to like them?
I have no sense of decency. That way, my other senses are enhanced!
Are you quite finished undressing me with your eyes?
Oh, I love making people laugh. To me, humor is like medicine!
I see you are still waiting on your spine donor.
Not one more deceitful word… your tongue could open a wine bottle!
My God, I’ve never had a night like this in my entire life!
I read somewhere that if you have physical contact on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life.
Let’s say you are the supreme ruler of Heaven and Earth. What would you do?
Oh, I realize it must be a shock to see me here in this place I come to every day of my life.