mine 5cm

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春の踊り by Quince_tan
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Leica M-A(Typ127) Leitz Summar 5cm F2 Kodak PORTRA 160 Plustek OpticFilm 8200i Ai

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i must be stopped

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I’m just trying to live my life, but it seems as if sadness always piles itself up around me. It’s in my bed, the toothbrush in my bathroom, and the memory of my cellphone. Over the past few years, I’ve wanted to move on, I’ve wanted to take hold of something I couldn’t reach. What that is, I have no idea. Not knowing where such obsessive thoughts were coming from, I simply drowned myself in my work. Then one day I realized that my heart was withering, and in it there was nothing but pain. And one morning, I realized that my beliefs, that I once held so passionately, had completely disappeared. That was it, I couldn’t take it anymore, so I quit my job.

Taylor, it’s been a little while since I’ve posted about my life, so here’s an update:

Where to start? I graduated college with a Bachelor’s Degree in Social Work with minors in Psychology and Sociology three and a half years ago. I started my dream job two weeks after I graduated, and am still there!

Around the same time, I became a Big Sister in the Big Brothers Big Sisters program. Hailey and I have been matched for three and a half years. She was 12 when we were matched, and is now 15. 🤤

Two years ago, I bought a house. At the age of 23, I purchased my own house.

2017 has been a really hard year for me. A lot of negative things all started to happen at once. My best friend got into some legal trouble, and some other trouble I honestly cannot talk about. But this has caused issues in our friendship. She doesn’t answer my calls anymore, she doesn’t do things with me when I invite her out. She’s pulling away from me, which she didn’t do until recently.

At the end of the school year, my little sister, Hailey, started to get into trouble. She got into a fight at school and got expelled. We found out the she had been smoking Marijuana and drinking (she was still 14 at this time). She started to run away from home. Then she got caught shoplifting. She’s on probation now, but is honestly doing a lot better.

Shortly after Hailey started getting in trouble, I found out that I have a growth on my liver. I spent my summer getting test after test, and racking up my medical debt. I have a tumor the size of a grapefruit on the left lobe of my liver. The specialist is fairly certain that it is a Focal Nodular Hyperplasia (FNH), but there is still a small chance that it could be an ultra rare form of cancer–which is terrifying.

I am having surgery on January 25th, due to the size of the mass. It is rare for a FNH to grow to the size mine has. They are usually removed at about 5cm, and mine is double that.

As far as liver resections go, mine is minor, but it’s still a major surgery. I’ll be at the hospital for about 4 days, and will be off work for at least a month.

My mortgage has gone up, I’m on new insurance so my paychecks are smaller, and now I’m several thousand in debt for medical bills, on top of all my other bills.

The ONLY thing that has made this year suck less is you, Tay, and your music. Thank you, for always being there for us. I can’t wait to hear Reputation and have 12 more songs to make this year suck a little less.

I love you, @taylorswift

i have literally no excuse, i just wanted more of these two