milk gallon challenge

In defense of old school Warhammer 40,000 battle reports

Ten years ago you could go on Warseer, Librarium Online, Dakkadakka or several other forums and find a groaning banquet table of written battle reports. Now, you find bupkes. It’s all about the video battle report

It’s all about the 90-minute long video battle report shot with a smartphone. there’s a lens flare and probably machine gun noises and then two headless dad bods spend an hour and a half pushing around miniatures. sometimes they’ll try to liven it up with banter on the level of a Microsoft E3 presentation. an hour and a half of this. an hour and a half.

You know what’s great about written battle reports? they don’t take most of your free evening to experience! they’re three minute commitments and you get the same vicarious rush. if you’re REALLY lucky the batrep writer will try their hand at a narrative, either before and after the match or woven into the play-by-play. and like

yes. give me the people crafting kludgey narratives for their space marines without a drop of irony. give it to me. let me read about their sparkledogs clutching bolters and shouting orders. give me a thousand earnest, terrible, borderline fanfic battle reports buttressed with amateur photography! because 1) it’s a positive expression of fandom and 2) even the worst, horseploppiest written battle report is more respectful of my free time than 99 percent of video battle reports.

(There is an exception: the only truly good video battle report, the Frontline Gaming guys protesting 6th Edition Cron Air while doing the gallon milk jug challenge)

Holt Intelligence

Anon: I’m so excited an amazing writer like you is taking requests again!! 😍😍 if you don’t mind, I would love sick pidge and maybe Keith taking care of her? (Pidge vomiting maybe) or if you really don’t eat to you can do shiro .. and no worries this can be as short as you want it to be !!!

A/N: Happy Birthday Pidge! Have some nausea and some fond memories of your brother! I thought Shiro might work a bit better for this.

Shiro twirled the arms of the thin-rimmed glasses between his human fingers.

“Let me get this straight. You actually took up gardening.”


“You managed to grow a plant on the castleship out of food goo and soil from five different planets.”


“And then you decided to eat whatever fruit grew off of that plant.”

Pidge doubled over the trashcan again, bringing up the contents of her stomach for the third time.

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Honestly I can see Spark being all for taking on eating challenges - like the milk gallon challenge or wing/steak ones at restaurants - not because of a competitive streak seen in Candella, but because he’s a sucker for the positive feedback he gets from start to finish. That and he’s incredibly easy to be persuaded to attempt anything. So very easy. Like he wants so much to be everyone’s big bro figure that his team can encourage him to do anything if he thinks it’ll earn their admiration. It’s just that he’ll probably be a mess with a stomach that hates him afterwards.

That and even afterwards he’ll insist on wearing his outfit (particularly those leather pants ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ) regardless of how poorly it fits him. It makes him look COOL! He can’t give that up just because he can’t button his pants or pull down his shirt.

Since Michelangelo is confirmed youtube trash, you know he’s introduced his brothers to all of those stupid challenges that were super popular a while ago. You know the ones…the cinnamon challenge, the gallon milk challenge, the ghost pepper challenge, eating a bar of 100% cocoa challenge…all of ‘em. 

Donatello and Leonardo don’t often participate, but Raphael has to because pride. 

Mikey talks a big game, but you know he’s the one hurling after only like a third of the gallon of milk. 

How To Cook A Dude*


-“He wears Cheetos dust, he wears sneakers, he watches Breaking Bad, wants to start The Wire” (sung to the tune of You Belong To Me by Tayor Swift)
-“He wears cargo shorts, listens to Macklemore, he drinks Red Bull, scratches his ball-sacs” (also sung to the tune of You Belong To Me By Taylor Swift)
-One More: “It’s going down, he’s getting TINDERRR” (sung to the tune of Timber)
-old t-shirts with beer logo/charity heart race/college on them
-chicken wings eaten in front of television
-if Cops or Shawshank is on da tv, he’s watching it
-80,000 hours of sports highlights OR 80,000 hours of Grand Theft Auto
-Easy Mac cooked with too much water
-Interestingly enough, tofu
-Ewww, fuckin’ tofu!
-Swats tofu away, refuses to eat until injected directly into the head with meat
-the word Jaager covered in barf
-crushed Bud Light cans
-South Park
-the phrases: CHUG CHUG CHUG and USA USA USA
-ratty navy sweatshirt
-‘why are you so sensitive!!’
-large handfuls of chips
-joke about high heels
-“like, dudes don’t like when…” and then go on some insane rant about girls wearing makeup
-button-down, tries to buy you a drink
-criticisms of Kate Upton’s perfect body
-Kate Upton is the hottest, man
-put hands up to chest in a cupping motion so it “looks” like: titttttttttts
-You-Tube vids of other dudes wiping out on skateboards
-Nike gym socks with dirty soles
-the idea that tiny triangle-bikinis in hot pink are the best bathing suits for women
-the idea that all women look good in giant bangle bracelets, wedge sandals, and red halter dresses
-you got some hot sauce! HOT SAUCEEE
-four burritos eaten but not chewed
-high-fives over stuff like sex, other people going to strip clubs, when somebody has the idea of ordering a sandwich in the shape of something, football, guy gets murdered in football?, Old Navy buy 8 old tshirts get 23 free
-“yeah, I might get a twitter” and talking about how good they would be at twitter once they got one
-Gallon Milk Challenge
-“What the fuck, man?!” lol so defensive
-I got my polo on tonight, hair in a baseball cap, beauty queen style –Larry Del Ray
-chewing with mouth open
-just chilling with the dudes, farting and eating sandwiches on mismatched leather couches
-rating women perfect 10’s (Grandmother Willow: 1, Bambi: 4, Snooki: I’d hit it, Strippers: Yeah!)
-unwashed towels
-solo cups, beer pong, hates condoms

-boil them in a pot when they get all defensive about why their shitty joke is offensive
-add butter when they get butt hurt over generalizations about them
-stop serving

*like, you’re not all dudes, but YOUUUUUU know if you are a dude! [punches arm]