a langst ficlet no one asked for (4/?)
(this entire part will be told in Lance’s point of view and will take place in the moments before he boarded the pod, and while in the pod)
He knows he shouldn’t be doing this. He knows he shouldn’t be doing this.
But what the hell, right?
Everything around him is a blur. His eyes see him walking, but his legs feel like they’re running. Running miles and miles without a break, his legs unable to keep moving under the stress and ready to…
He feels the cold metal floor beneath him as he falls and with a sudden ‘oof’ his mind seems to calm for a moment. He stands up, looks around, and takes in what he sees. He’s in the pod hangar; a bag is strapped on his shoulder containing what looks to be all his belongings he’s collected (albeit small). He knows what he wants to do. He remembers writing, telling the team about how he felt useless and worthless to them. He remembers packing his bag. He remembers feeling worthless. But it seems, he can’t remember it getting this bad.
In the past, sure he wanted to go home, but it was a dull ache; always shadowed over by ‘oh my fucking god I’m in space how fucking cool is that?!’ it never felt like this. This felt like a fire wrapping around his lungs and drowning him all at once. He doesn’t just want to go home. He needs to go home. He needs to stop feeling like the Earth is crashing around him for one second. He doesn’t know why it hurts so much now. He doesn’t know why he can’t seem to thinks about how far, far, away his mom’s hugs are. And about how far, far away his siblings’ laughs are. And how far, far away his mind seems to be.
All he can think about is that it hurts.
All he can see is the blur of a windshield. All he can hear is the whir of an engine, and the doors of the castle latch opening. All he can feel is the steering wheel under his clenching hands, and the tears he didn’t realize were streaming down his cheeks.
‘Worthless. They didn’t need me. They’ll probably be happy when they wake up and I’m gone. It’s fine. I know this. I just want to be home.’
He’s flying, racing through space for what feels like hours and hours. He can’t seem to go fast enough. All the while flying he’s trying to calm his erratic breathing. ‘Don’t want to get home after who-knows-how-long looking like a crazed lunatic’. When he gets home he wants to finally look happy.
But, what if they don’t want him there too?
The pod stops. Earlier he had been flying recklessly and quick, rushing to get out of the suffocating castle and away from the people who didn’t want him. Now, the pod was at a dead halt.
‘What if they don’t want me home? What if they’re angry at me for abandoning the family? What if they’re dead? What if the Galra invaded Earth and since I’m a universe away I didn’t know? God, I’m out here now, they definitely won’t let me back in Voltron. I abandoned them. I wasn’t just enough that I had to be a useless tag along, no. I went an abandoned them because I realized how pointless I was to my team. I’m such a fucking waste of space; I just annoy the rest of them until they pay attention to me, and now that I pulled this stunt they’ll all be forced to just accommodate for me leaving them. The least I could’ve done was waited until they found a new paladin to replace me with. Then I could’ve left. What if Zarkon attacks and now since I went and threw a fucking pity party in the middle of space and left they’ll be attacked and won’t be able to form Voltron. I’m such a fucking idiot.’
He puts the pod on auto-pilot and stands up. He grips at his hair while tears stream down his face. His thoughts are a constant barrage of self deprecation and hatred. His breathing quickens again, getting faster and faster. Black dots are starting to come into his vision. A sudden rush of panic and dizziness sends his falling to his knees.
‘Perfect I’m going to die out here of my own fucking stupidity. I just hope they’ll all be safe.’
Lance’s breath is getting faster and faster. He knows he’s been flying for hours. He also knows he hasn’t eaten anything since dinner the night before, which was roughly 9 hours ago. He feels his tears leak onto the cold floor.
The last thing he hears is “Asteroid field located 90 miles ahead. Auto-pilot turned off,” and blackness drowns his vision.