mila bee

Jupiter Ascending a Summary: (Spoilers)

So…. I saw the movie Jupiter Ascending with a friend…. And well it was undescribable…. But I’ve decided to do my best and give a shitty summary any way. Enjoy. (MAJOR FUCKING SPOILERS….YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.)

•bees bees bees bees beuz buzz buzz buzz
•bee man has gold eyes
•Mila controls bees
•bees tell no lies and sense royalty
•Eddie Redmayne can’t speak
•he can only whisper and or shout
•bob the sassy android
•I’ll do it for 10 c’s
•breaking news: naked little aliens make women in lingerie float
•Balem has mommy issues
•Mila is mommy
•youngest heir try to marry reincarnated mommy…. Because that’s not weird
•Channing Tatum is man dog
•man dog need wings
•elephant man flying space ship
•techno goth bounty hunter make crop circles
•feather mohawk man make my heart swoon
•did I mention a dude tried to marry his mom
•bees
• space is a corporation
•earth is a farm
•we are the cows
•we make age defying juice
•Mila’s preferred pronoun is ‘your majesty’
•BOOOOOM!!!!!
•that’s what everything did
•floating space orgy
•Balem has mommy issues
•toilet bowl queen owns earth
•baths restore youth
•space princess donate eggs for telescope
•FUCKING SPACE BOOTS
•Balem…. What are you wearing
• bee man lives in hive house and makes bee related expletives
•FUCKING BEESWAX!!!
•DMV not so bad
•breaking news: dinosaurs killed by humanity
•more breaking news: naked aliens are doctors
•BEES

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Reasons why you should see Jupiter Ascending:

- Female gaze
- High brow space fashion
- Low brow space humor
- Space werewolf angel boyfriends on space ice skates
- Bee people
- A loving pan of Eddie Redmayne’s naked ass while he sails into a supernova and violins swell
- Antigrav space orgy
- Mary Sue-age the likes of which your 13 year old self could never dream of
- Creepy pseudoincestual comeons
- Giant ridiculous space cities
- Russian cleaning girl is a space princess
- Aliens killed the dinosaurs
- An elephant alien whose sole job is to trumpet when the ship accelerates
- Flying killer space dinosaurs
- Eddie Redmayne doing a laryngotomy impression
- A very short supply of shirts for a very large cast of buff dudes
- A very large supply of attractive outfits for a very attractive Mila Kunis
- Bees can sense royalty
- Space bureaucrats
- Glowy space tattoos
- Soylent green is people
- Mila Kunis sticking a pad onto her space werewolf angel boyfriend’s bleeding, naked chest
- Angry large dysfunctional family
- Intro class to space BDSM; Course 101: Titles
- Dramatic angel terror choir breaks out in the very first car chase
- Complete fuck-all towards plot holes
- Illogically shiny space explosions
- The girl gets the guy
- The girl also gets the planet
- THIS MOVIE IS EVERYTHING YOUR LITTLE FANDOM SELF WANTED GO SEE IT NOW

i love lovelovelove Jupiter Ascending bc you can either watch it as a no-brain-needed funny space fighting movie or a clever capitalism analogy about the meaning of a lifetime or, wow, so many things. family, owning things for their use or value, the difference between your value with or without being Important in the eyes of the universe, finding your inner self and a reason to get up in the morning.

also: bees, Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum with pointy ears, kneeing metaphorical capitalism in the very real, literal balls