mikhto

2

On a nicer note, the revised standalone version of my resources (and a few of my best writings, just presented with more pizazz) is coming along well, and will be finished soon.

The layout is much more stable (heh) and compatible with browsers than my current Tumblr template is. They also condense into mobile-friendly layouts (but they don’t play nice with my dev preview of Windows Phone 8.1 atm, might be a glitch with the OS :s)

(‘ilovescimitars’ is a stand-in. I’m rather stumped as to what I’m actually going to call it. Also, all the content is WIP.)

Using the same mirror of GeoCities to see if I can dredge any more [historic?] resources on otherkin. I guess I enjoy this kinda stuff.

I’ve been contemplating the whole identity thing some more. My issues are that in independent video game development’s general narrative in the media and such, the people making the games tend to be relatively important, and there is more interest in them. I don’t flaunt being an elf, but at the same time, it’s pretty damn obvious from places such as here that I call myself one. Then, when you make a company, your legal name becomes publicly accessible through records, etc. etc. (and it’s statistically likely my legal name is one-of-a-kind). A lot of these being harmful solely depend on particular sets of circumstances, but I’ve thought of them anyway, and worry about them.

I really despise the concept of making an image that others deem [more] acceptable; it’s the reason I haven’t bothered since awakening 8 months ago, but there are also certain strategic advantages to making some falsely tweaked persona. That, and I won’t have to worry about the possibility of some indie game site not covering our game because we’re a part of ‘that crazy tumblr identity fad’ or some vitriolic assholes in the gaming community making a scene out of it.

It seems to me that I get to pick between feeling awkward and disgusted about managing some kind of persona, and possibly getting fears from just feeling like I have to cover things in my life up like that, or being scared of people finding revulsion/whatever in the elf thing, and it potentially causing problems further down the line in my life.

*sigh*

First 'Kin Meet

The private ‘kin friends meet was nice ^^. We went to London Zoo, which was cool (very 'mundane’ haha). Highlights included talking philosophy while watching penguins and checking out the tiger cubs and komodo dragons.

I was unfortunately on poor emotional footing and dealing with a lot of negative emotions at the time, so I was very nervous and shy, but my friends were very understanding :).

After work on Darkfang Archive is complete (and a shitload of other things I really need to get working on or get done), I may actually do some research on the particular mythologies of elves. My friend showed me a link to an interesting-looking academic article (predictably and unfortunately, not free to access), which piqued my curiosity. It’s something I’ve been curious about anyway, so… yeah :>.

Something else I did

I bought a tarot deck today… Someone I follow posted some masterpost on tarot, and I looked into it and became really interested and curious so… yeah. I think the numerous visual interpretations are awesome and there are some really cool illustrations on some of the decks, so it’s part art appreciation as well as intellectual curiosity. :333 

It took me a long time to find a deck that I felt I would be happy with, but I think I made a pretty decent choice for myself. It certainly isn’t as simple as decks more oriented for beginners, but I felt it was more important that the imagery jived well with me, which the beginner ones didn’t.

I’m not expecting anything from their use, not that I think that they’re useless - I understand how they work (from a psychological viewpoint and in other phenomenological viewpoints), but I personally don’t have a particular goal in mind or any real expectation. I think the idea is rather fascinating, and I’m curious as to what I will come up with when using them. I’m going to experiment with them, and go from there.

Updating my otherkin and therianthropy pages. I will be moving them to a Neocities page because I want some layout flexibility. Tumblr is way too messy for what I want to do with my resources anymore.

It’s going to take me a while to design the new page, but when I’m done, every old URL will be a redirect to the corresponding new page on Neocities, so any links that people have made will be intact.

Speaking of magic….

This evening, for the first time I properly played the gameplay demo for the game I’ve been working on very recently with someone new (coincidentally, another elfkin). The demo is a generally unfinished thing, but it consists of fully working gameplay with preliminary graphics that I have made.

I had played essentially the same test on a web applet two weeks before, but I don’t know, maybe just holding it like this made the personal significance of it pretty clear - I am actually going to make a game with someone.

More specifically, making a game after what has been many years of the wrong concepts, lazy partners and generally poor circumstances to try to get any kind of game project get done into anything playable, let alone something that was going to be finished. So much effort went nowhere. 

Last year I had given up on trying to work with other people, and I was so exhausted from all the crap I had to put up with over the years from so many more things than just failures, that by the middle of last year I just felt totally lost about what I wanted to do. The magic, so to speak, that I once saw in the kinds of work of conceptual artists and designers, that kind of thing that energised me so much was gone.

So, even though this isn’t complete, it was quite emotional just actually experiencing something working with my visuals, remembering why I even started in the first place, and what the passion was, and feeling it again, and feeling supported by working with someone who feels passionate like I am.

…erm, I don’t know what else to say. I expect to finish the graphics sometime the end of the month and the whole project won’t take all that long to wrap up ^^.

Otherkin and me

Wasn’t sure if I was gonna put it here, but fuck it.

Contrary to my expectations, I’ve found that otherkin has something to say for an existing part of myself during my little research spree unlike anything else that I’ve read before. Since reading about it, I’ve become a lot more comfortable with this aspect of myself. Seriously, I’ve now dug up a big chunk of unexpected self-confidence! :D.

I don’t know if calling it ‘otherkin’ totally works for me though. I feel that the way that some people have adopted it (a watered-down psychological/mental slant, rather than spiritual/past life one) definitely relates to that part of myself, but I’m not sure if I can totally consider it being there. I think I’m also a little scared of using the label in the circles that i would find appropriate to use it, such as here.

I’m just gonna keep looking into it, read up on things, see if I can talk to others and keep going with the good old introspection and experimentation. It’s early days.

Regardless, if I do eventually apply the term, it most certainly isn’t reactionary, and nothing will change. This facet of my personal experience was already here, its just that it will have a name, much like how I’ve applied asexual and androgynous/queer to identify and express other preexisting aspects of myself. And as always with labels, they can be dropped at any time if I feel they no longer fit.

Hitting the ‘Publish’ button for this post was pretty damn hard, but I just really wanted to say it, not in a shouting from the rooftops manner, but I just really wanted to express this here in my own little personal space that only 117 people are actually keeping track of anyway.

Expect more postings stuff on this subject in the future like I’ve done before c:.