mike's hard lemonade

OKAY SO YOU WANT TO GET DRUNK RIGHT? OF COURSE YOU DO. YOU’RE OF AGE AND READY TO TAKE A LOAD OFF. THIS DRINK IS FOR ANYONE WHO KNOWS THE WOES OF THE WORK WEEK. 

TECHNICALLY THIS DRINK IS SPIKED STRAWBERRY PUNCH, BUT IT WAS MADE WITH MIKE’S AND AMSTERDAM VODKA. 

SO SOUND THE WAR HORN IT’S TIME TO FORAGE.

HERE’S WHAT YOU NEED TO RAID AND/OR PURCHASE 

THIS MAKES TWO DRINKS BECAUSE YOU’RE OUT TO PILLAGE AND YOUR SECOND IN COMMAND NEEDS A DRINK AS WELL

SIX-EIGHT WHOLE STRAWBERRIES.

A WHOLE LEMON.

TWO CANS OF MIKE’S HARD LEMONADE.

VODKA.

ICE

SALT

THE TOOLS YOU’LL NEED ARE

A SHAKER

A PESTLE 

HERE’S WHAT THE FUCK YOU DO. 

TAKE YOUR LEMON AND BODY SLAM IT TO MAKE IT JUICIER. WHILE IT THINKS ABOUT THE MISTAKES IT’S MADE MOVE ON TO THE STRAWBERRIES. 

SHAKE YOUR FIST AT THE STRAWBERRIES, PRETENDING IT’S YOUR BOSS AND SCREAM TO THEM WHAT YOU REALLY FEEL ABOUT YOUR JOB. 

THEN CUT TOPS OF STRAWBERRIES OFF LIKE YOU’RE REMOVING YOUR BOSS’S HEAD, AND SLICE THEM IN HALF. PUT IN BOTTOM OF EMPTY SHAKER. GRIND YOUR BOSS INTO A FINE PULP WITH THE PESTLE. 

TAKE THE LEMON YOU DEFEATED IN COMBAT AND CUT IT IN HALF, SLICE OFF TWO SLICES TO GARNISH YOUR DRINKS WITH LATER. FANCY AS FUCK. 

PRETEND YOU’RE WRINGING THE THROAT OF THE LAST CUSTOMER WHO COMPLAINED TO YOU AND SQUEEZE ALL THE JUICE OUT OF THE LEMON. DON’T WORRY ABOUT SEEDS. THEY’RE TOO AFRAID OF YOU TO FALL INTO THE DRINK ANYWAYS. 

ADD ICE BECAUSE YOU NEED TO SYMBOLICALLY REPRESENT THE LAYER OF ICE THAT HAS FORMED OVER YOUR HEART SINCE STARTING CUSTOMER SERVICE. 

VODKA. JUST

JUST POUR IT. 

SHAKE YOUR CONCOCTION VIGOROUSLY. AS IF YOU’RE RATTLING THE HEADS OF YOUR CORPORATE BOSSES TRYING TO MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND WHY THEIR NEW POLICY SUCKS. 

PRACTICE YOUR DELEGATION SKILLS AND MAKE THE GLASSES RIM THEMSELVES WHILE YOU’RE SHAKING. LOWER FUCKING MANAGEMENT EXPERIENCE MOTHERFUCKERS. 

POUR YOUR CONCOCTION INTO YOUR GLASSES, CAREFUL NOT TO RUIN THEIR RIM. THE GLASSES WORKED HARD. APPRECIATE YOUR SUBORDINATES. 

TOP WITH MIKE’S HARD LEMONADE. ADD THE LEMONS TO THE TOP OF THE DRINK AND PUT A STRAW THROUGH THE MIDDLE. WHY? BECAUSE IT’S THE FUCKING POLICY. I DON’T KNOW. I JUST WORK HERE. FUCK. 

SCREAM AND ENJOY. 

You were addictive. My own personal cocaine. So when you left I turned to alcohol. But I don’t even need that anymore because I’m done being addicted to you.
—  Getting over you