mike & ikes

I can’t believe Jungle Jim’s only exists in Ohio

the rest of the world is missing out on the glorious grocery store that is Jungle Jim’s. Imagine a place like IKEA but for international foods. They have aisles upon aisles of imported goods, and then themed places too. They have several aisles devoted to weirdly flavored sodas. Another area for wines, organized by country. Another for candy that has a choose your fave flavor mike and ikes dispenser. Another for produce, including cactus, coconuts, durians, dragon fruit, and so much more I don’t even know how to pronounce. Name a country and they probably have an aisle or two dedicated to it.

They even have a fresh bakery and a deli area. There’s another area for cooking utensils. Then there’s a few aisles dedicated to american groceries.

Look at all the hot sauce

Look at all the Honey

Look at all the cheese

This part plays children’s songs the whole time it’s terrible but also magical

“With more than 200,000 square feet of shopping space in each of our stores, there are over 150,000 products from which to choose.“ A quote from the official site. 200,00 feet of random foods. 

It takes like 2 hours to get through the majority of the store. There’s still places I haven’t been to. Every time I visit I find another part that I didn’t know existed before. It’s fucking wild and I’m so disappointed to find out that it only has two locations, both being near the Cincinnati area. 

The signs as quotes about the election from the angry kids behind me
  • Aries: That damn hurricane shoulda swooped their asses up
  • Taurus: Man I play GTA I know how to shoot a guy covertly, we can do it
  • Gemini: I'm bout this close to fuckin' shit up
  • Leo: (Asking me) Did y'all like Trump? No? Good girl. (Shakes Mike n' Ikes into my hand)
  • Virgo: God was sendin' us a sign, next time Florida's on their own. Leave em' lookin' like Atlantis Squarepantis
  • Libra: Gotta protect the gay
  • Scorpio: I was that close to jumping that guy in physics, smug ass in that stupid hat. Hate that guy. Hate that hat
  • Saggitarius: His wife is hot, I'll give em that, but he's got soggy avacado skin. Needa' exfoliate
  • Capricorn: When the NBA gets their visit to the white house, that's what they gotta do. Kick his ass, punt style
  • Pisces: With the money he's got and the technology we got there's no way we can kill him. No way. It's like Home Alone but we're the burglars

Comparing my side of the pantry shelf to Glynda’s while I rummage for lunch, I begin to understand why the faculty marvels at my ability to survive on a diet of sugar, strange snack foods, and caffeine…