might delete this soOo

When I first listened to R&V’s 4 o’clock, I thought of my grandmother. 

She was the closest person to me to have passed away. She was my shield and my comforter when shit got shitty. My parents weren’t really like that for me. They had their own shit to deal with. But I had my grandma, she made me feel like things were always gonna be okay. Like I was enough.

The first few lines were enough to make me cry.

I wrote a long letter
To the moon one day
It isn’t brighter than you but
I lit a small candle

I used to visit her resting place a lot. I light a candle and talk. Just talk, imagining that she was listening to me. But in reality it was just me and the moon.

The nameless bird that sings
In the park at dawn
Where are you
Oh you

My grandma was part of the choir. During the first days that she was gone, I swear I strained my ears so hard just to hear her playing the piano again in the morning. But she wasn’t there. 

Why are you crying
It’s only me and you here
Me and you
Oh you

In her last months, though we didn’t know they were her last at that time, she often called me to her room. One time she was crying, apologizing for not bringing up her son, my father better. It was heartbreaking. I told her it wasn’t her fault, but she cried anyway.

Your singing voice,
That follows deep into the night,
Brings the scarlet morning
One step, then another step

I cried myself to sleep a lot when she left. I missed her voice and I kept imagining that she would still be there to lull me to sleep and comfort me. But then morning comes, and she’s no where.

Dawn passes by and
When that moon falls asleep,
Then the blue light that was with me

It was easier to pretend that she was there at night, when I was alone. I just close my eyes and stay quiet. But then the sun rises and the silence goes away. All the noise made it harder for me to hear her. I felt alone again.

I know a lot of people say that 4 o’clock was Tae’s song to Jimin. But I have heard about how he was with his grandmother, and based from the emotion I felt from his song. Maybe, maybe he was singing to her.

Then Namjoon was comforting the singing Tae. In his rap he says that just going on living for now is just enough. That feeling of living and dying at the same time when you lose someone you love so much. But he says that it’s alright to open your eyes cause everyone has gone through it too and you’ll be fine.

I think Tae is the Moonchild, Moonchildren are weird, unconventional, outside the box thinkers. This is why I believe Namjoon was comforting Tae. And in a way he comforted me too.

To all moonchildren who have loved and lost. I believe we understand this song beyond theories, beyond symbolisms. 

I want to thank Taetae and Namjoon for this song. Sincerely.