might kill me one day

daily bsd list+some new info

hi guys! i just made a list of the dailybsd blogs~ check it here! if you happen to lose that link, it’s always on my description too!

and additional info for future bsd daily blogs– please read!

from now on, i will be avoiding asks regarding future daily blogs. if you created a daily blog and want to tell me, please send me a message. a pm. not an ask! if you send an ask to me on anon, i will be ignoring it. this is to prevent the clatter in my blog posts and to prevent spam;

additionally, i will still reblog introduction posts from dailybsd blogs, but i will be deleting the reblogs after a day. another attempt with me keeping this blog squeaky clean!

thank you for cooperating!

do you know what i need in my life?

the foxhole court tv show and heathens as the theme song

Did someone say kid!Crash doing martial arts?? 😅 Have a taunting cutie who can beat anyone up. I finally had enough diamonds to buy the quest and he’s just to precious. I wanted to take a quick break from requests and do my own thing. I haven’t drawn traditionally for nearly 3 weeks. It feels so weird but I’m gonna get back into my mojo one day.

of course i feel so alone. i isolate myself so often, and nobody wants to be friends with someone as negative as i am. someone like me, who just might snap and kill themself one day. i wouldnt want to be friends with me, either.

im only a burden to everyone at this point. sometimes i feel better because i dont think about it as much. but then the distraction is gone and i realize once again how pathetic  and fucked up and undeserving of love i am.

i always need to have a distraction from my thoughts or ill break down. and for the past month, ive lost most of my distractions that worked. my coping mechanisms, they no longer work.

so what now???? is this where i give up, run away and die in the middle of nowhere??? im so repulsive i at least want a nice, pretty death. 

ive already made 4 different suicide notes this week. am i going to kill myself now?? no. am i going to kill myself tomorrow? i dont know. i dont know right now, im just waiting i suppose. for what, idk. im just chilling. ill keep waiting for something until i get sick of it and die

Tumblr & “Kingsman” fandom things that might kill me one day
  • “Kingsman” sets with that comic quote (”I’ve been very lonely over the years. Thank you for bringing some warmth into my life.”) Fuuu. I’ve read that so many times and I flinch every time it appears on my dashboard.
  • Dennis Severs (Taron Egerton) crying in “The Smoke” and talking about suicide.
  • The end of the church scene in “Kingsman”. Nope, he’s not dead but it’s still sad.
  • Eggsy’s reaction to Harry’s death.
  • Everything about Edward Brittain (his whole story hits me so much, but yes, played by Taron Egerton in the movie “Testament Of Youth”).
  • Hartwin AU during World War I aka Hartwin x The King’s Speech
  • Gif sets about George Falconer (Colin Firth) and Jim from “A Single Man” (it hurts).
  • Telling me that Harry and Eggsy touched each other JUST TWO TIMES DURING THE WHOLE DAMN MOVIE (the pat on the shoulder in the beginning and the pat on the shoulder in ‘The Black Prince’). Are you fucking kidding me?? TWO TIMES! Eggsy touched the door to the Kingsman shop at least THREE times.

It’s been a while since I actually wanted you.
I always wondered if maybe I needed you.

But if need was the only thing left and want was lost, I should have walked away…

What I wanted was to walk away.
What I wanted was to be strong and be better and reclaim the pieces you had taken, but how could I leave without them?
This is why I needed you.

But needing someone doesn’t make them special.
I think people always get that wrong.
If I love you it’s because I want to, but if I need you, you’re just survival.
There is nothing special about merely surviving. Holding on is only barely living.

You are just my oxygen. I don’t want to need oxygen.
What I want is to explore the deepest caves in the coldest oceans where I can’t go because the pressure might kill me.

I think one day I’ll dive as deep as I possibly can even if I never truly end up where I want.

Please do not mistake my staying for my wanting.
I don’t remember exactly when it was, but I think there definitely came a day my want had been replaced by need.

And when need was the only thing left and want was lost, I should have walked away…

“It’s never too late to do things you’ve always dreamed of,” they say.

I think I can walk away now…

Yesterday I signed up for diving lessons.

—  leenapire