Pyromancer: a tale

So, I know that some of you may be wondering what I was doing wilst the inner fighitng of the guild was going on. The answer is quite simple, I was slobbering drunk..at least for the first part. What happened afterwards is a rather long tale and one I feel sauced enough at the moment to talk about. 

My tale begins as many as many of them do, I woke up with a massive hang over in a tavern that I may or may not have mistaken for a brothel. Regardless I was able to pay the tab thanks to a rather lucrative incident involving a Dragon, a Wizard, and a rat man bard named whiskers the wonder cheese. As I made my way to the door I was approached by a group of rather disgruntled farmers who found out that it was not in fact the dragon that had burned their crops, it was me after a slapper binge booze up over at mrs. miggins pie shop. Regardless unlike other instances where the farmers would send formal complaints to the guild, these gents proceeded to wack me over the head with a club, tied me up, and sent me down the river on a raft. I woke up to find myself at arrow point by a large number of amazons. Now, under normal circumstances this would be a dream come true as amazons are not only really strong, but beautiful beyond words…sadly I forgot they hate men and being one it took me only a moment to realized that my pooch was screwed. 

I was taken to the chief of the village who demanded to know why I had come to their village. I responded by saying I had no bloody idea where I was and if I did I would have come to the village a long time ago..,,,a response that led to me being strung up by my ankles and then flogged, which if I were into that sort of thing, again, would have been a dream come true but I was built for comfort not speed. when questioned again, I simply told her the truth and they respected me for it. Now of course that did not mean they respected my boozery but at least I came clean for it. They patched me up for the flogging. I hung around for a few days, even made some good friends among them, and eventually discovered that the river I had been put on was one that had carried me WAY out of the kingdom…or duchy…or…….actually……..what IS the official governmental status of where the guild is located???? questions for later. 

I made my way down to the river and then began to float down the river, admitidly away from the guild some more but at this point I was curiouis to see what was beyond the river and….personally I dont think most people would miss me if I was gone from the guild hall…….well except for the dancer chappy but he’s a smart ass. As I passed by more villages, I was able to really take in the scenery, and also discovered a new love. fishing, and being a pyromancer I could cook those bad boys up fast quick and in a hurry. 

It wasn’t until I went as far as the northern mountains that I realized the guild had in fighting. I was  not…too surprised to hear the war lord decided to go crazy. People of power often tend to let it go to their head. But what did I know? for all I know someone may have simply put peanut butter on his chocolate. But, had to get back at any rate, as I soon as I heard there were injuries. But sadly, I did not get back in time. Regardless I returned and found things were…..well it was in a state of a total cock up. At this point I stuck two middle fingers firmley in the air, figured the others had it handled and went back to the same tavern I got sauced at before. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,though I;m starting to see a pattern here in my life’s choices. Some would suggest getting a girl but none would have me. others would suggest getting a hobby, but the wine tasting club wont let me back in after an incident of showing off my balrog imitation that resulted in the sudden grilling of the club owners poodle. Ah well, perhaps I can get me a bit of shank. Actually, that sounds like a good idea. tata!