midnight with robert shaw

LUCAS RESUX

In art, an individual has one piece of canvas or one theme to incorporate into a single piece. Once the piece is out in the public’s hands, they have the option of loving it or hating it. In modern art, usually a select few, like the shit that gets made because it usually involves the Virgin Mary and feces or a cock with melted wax and blood. But in the land of pop culture, where most shit is cool, we have stumbled upon a new way of creating art: SPECIAL EDITION. Many a studio have repackaged a number of products with the words, Special Edition, Ultimate Edition, Unrated Edition, Director’s Cut Edition and any number of specialized edition names those clever fucks in marketing can come up with. In pop culture, mainly, the internet culture, namely, the nerds who write about this shit for websites devoted to movie news and entertainment because they could never get a script sold to save their life (hi, are there places for us to drink coffee?) and live in their basements with their fat asses growing a third ass. These guys always go for the throat of one man in particular who continually adds to his films with the ferocity of a 12 year old who discovered masturbation. This bearded one has fucked up a few times, yes. He has ruined the retirement of a certain archeologist who should have born Tom Hardy as a son. He has ruined the birth of the greatest screen villain of all time with pointless back story and a dialogue delivered  in whiny, nasal, pussy proclamations regarding his “empire” as he chokes a ditzy bitch who can barely dance, according to the rumors. (That’s a Black Swan reference, cause some chick said she did 90% of the ballet, not Port, who was too skinny in that movie, I mean shit, eat a vegan cheeseburger, bitch. Wait, is a vegan cheese burger kocher?)

George Lucas, who, in my book, is on top of the list of great filmmakers. Granted he has fucked up a lot, but so has a lot of amazing filmmakers. Peter Jackson has failed twice since Lord Of The Rings, Spielberg has never been the same since Minority Report, Ridley Scott blew a load with Hannibal, Body of Lies, 1492, White Squall, and now goes to the well of his past brilliance with Prometheus and Blade Runner. Sam Raimi doesn’t work anymore and Robert Zemeckis got lost in the wilderness of motion capture. But no one really judges those guys as harshly as big ole’ Georgie. Granted, his bullfrog throat goes up and down in size and he may be obsessed with 2012 and the end of mankind, but what he did in the 70’s changed the movie world for better and worse. No one believed in him then, no one wanted Star Wars, even after the success of American Graffiti, which I believe has lead Lucas down a path of resistance when it comes to “his” vision. And he has been right so far. Say what you will about him, he has made billions of dollars off of the youth market. Generations are forever changed by his creations. Tauntaun, Mos Eisely, light saber, Han Solo, are all words with seventy different meanings like the word “fuck.” Lucas has done what no other has done. Even James Cameron with his billions made off of Titanic and Avatar can not hold a candle to Lucas. Who the fuck remembers what a Naivi is? I don’t even think I spelled it right. But who gives a shit, cause it’s a fucking blue alien that would drive a Prius. Pandora was neat to watch in 3D, but can you quote it like Star Wars? Or even Indiana Jones for that matter? Fuck no! And if you can, you’re a loser. Lucas stands alone and his shit really seems to be timeless.

Until 1999, when the world held it’s heaving breath, due to athletic asthma, for Star Wars: Episode 1 The Phantom Menace. Most, namely, the generation who grew up with the original trilogy, were dismayed. Their golden calf took a big shit on them. All their dreams of Clone Wars, Ben Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker went up in a digital poof. But there were others who loved them. Namely, the kids who didn’t see the originals in the 70’s and 80’s. Now, yes, these children are dumb, but I give the prequels the benefit of the doubt. I compare them to a series of films describing the events leading to World War 2, with the original trilogy being World War 2. World War 2 is much more bombastic compared to how shit went down. Hitler’s rise to power is a slow one and filled with rhetoric and occasional action. Once that cocksucker invades Poland we got a war! Thus, leads to the alliance of nations beginning the campaign. But it is not until the Americans get involved that shit starts to move with original trilogy pace and humor, cause us Americans are fucking hilarious. We’re Han Solo and the rest of the world is Leia and Yoda.

But I digress, we were talking about Special Editions.

Lucas has put his pudgy, greased up hands on the trilogy again for the release of the Blu Ray box set. I will buy it, cause he has gotten me every time. And the set looks great and the sound is amazing and the extras are really the reason I am buying the fucking thing. I have seen the movies too many times but I will skip around to get to the money shots in 1080 and surround sound, lopping it up like biscuits and gravy. Until it gets to the part where Vader throws the Emperor into the shaft of Death Star 2, spoiler alert. In this new incarnation of the trilogy Vader screams, NOOOOOOOOO and NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, as he lifts the Emperor to his death. I loved the way it was originally because it was silent. No need for a shout. And it’s not even fucking natural, it’s a bad edit of Noooooooo from Episode 3. Damn it. I usually defend Lucas on his decisions because this films are his, not ours. Get that through your fucking heads, nerds. These are his movies and he worked his dick off to make them. You didn’t do shit but watch and write posts. Leave the man alone. He is the beard of beards! And yes I would knock him the fuck out for Crystal Skull but Spielberg has to be in the same ring. But at the end of the day I respect him enough to never yell at him for tweaking his art, his baby, his cash cow. The world belongs to him and him alone. We are visitors to it and have no claims to it. I don’t like the edit, but it’s literally three seconds that I can mute, and I have seen it enough times to know it by heart. So, shut the fuck up internet. These films are his babies, not yours. Here’s to you Georgie, master of coin!