I just discovered The National’s Sad Songs For Dirty Lovers. Sometimes life just puts a thing in front of you, and then you can pump it into your being and it’s exactly the thing you need. This album is that thing at this time.
Something happened this weekend that maybe I should have seen coming, but I guess I’ve been too absorbed in all of the things about myself that I’m trying to juggle, and not paying enough attention to other’s needs.
I didn’t have the necessary imagination to draw the picture of what could happen if and when circumstances lined up. When this very thing I should have imagined, this very thing that plenty of other people saw as not only possible, but probable was unfolding right in front of me, I didn’t know how to hold it. Where to put all of the feelings, doubts, fears, and nauseating adrenaline dump. It’s three days later and I’m still holding all of this poison in a basket on my hip, trying to find a good spot to dump it out.
Sometimes we get lucky and a great, eye-opening event occurs in a way that’s more a hint of what could come if we don’t pay better attention. Sometimes life lets us step up to a problem before it’s full-blown, and hold it in our shaking hands, hold it in our beat-skipping heart until we can see what it’s going to grow into if we don’t take responsibility for its eventuality in this moment, now. This is one of those times. This moment - this long, shimmering moment that may go on for quite some time – is so full of confusion and threaded with clarity. I keep looking. Out here is fog. In here an old mirror with a distorted and cloudy reflection.
I keep looking.
I will not look away.