michia

Love between girls, they say, is soft. with our soft hands and voices and bodies that yield. I think maybe they have never loved a girl, known a girl. How else can they say such lies. The heart of a girl beats dark. Our blood is deep. The world cuts at us, little by little. From a young age we learn to bleed. We grow up warriors and witches. We are full of wildness and yearning. You are the lightning that splits me open. My love has teeth. I will ripen my heart for you, grow it full on the vine of my bones. Tangle your thorns with mine. I want you to bury your bad ideas in the rich soil of my flesh. They do not know the things that I want. My mother says it will rot my soul. She doesn’t even know. You will rot my soul like candy, ferment my blood like wine. Maybe I want it. Maybe I’ll like it. Maybe I want you to make me like it. Hold me closer.
— 

Girl Love

by michi

dedicated to my bae on her birthday

Because the first time I kissed a boy I was disgusted. It happened in the last minutes of recess, behind the swings, under the creaky bridge of the old wood structure that we always called a castle. I had been told that princesses always kiss boys. I didn’t know what I was doing, and neither did he. Our small tongues like slugs, slimy and awkward in each other’s mouths.
I thought, this is love, it has to be.

Because when I was too young, a man too old told me he loved me. I didn’t know what I was doing, but he did. He gave me things: movies to make me laugh, and all the ones about ghosts, a new set of paintbrushes, a beautiful marble stamp with my name carved inside. there was a back room full of videos and the wet smell of watercolors drying.
I was carved inside.
People ask me why I don’t paint anymore.

I was fifteen, and summer was just beginning. A slow breeze was lifting the curtains. I was spooning my best friend. The two of us cupped in the soft bowl of a papasan chair, nestled like fragrant fruit ripening, curled into each other. I was fascinated by the way her hair curled soft and golden, so close to me. Close enough to do anything. There was too much closeness. I kissed the freckles at the nape of her neck. She jumped up and screamed, demanding, What the hell was that. Thinking quickly I laughed- The look on your face!
She didn’t know what I was doing, and neither did I.

Because when I was fifteen, I thought I was in love with a girl across the country whom I had never met. My mother found my diary and read it: my fervent declarations of love, pages covered with a girl’s name, covered in hearts. My mother screamed, demanding, Tell me this is not true! I said, yes, you are right, it is not true.
She knew what I was doing, and so did I.
I thought, this is love,
protection and deceit,
it has to be.

Because my first real love had a love like a strangling fig. He took and took of me, until my well was dry. And then he took my dirt and my stone walls. I was carved inside.
He said, Everything is for you. I live for you. Breathe for you. Bleed for you. I would die without you. And I will, I will.
I wanted to know, is this love?
And he said, It has to be.
I knew what he was doing, but wished that I didn’t.

I thought, all I ever know of love is blood. It has to be.

Because the first time I met you I was scared you wouldn’t like me. You said I held your hand too tight. But inside of an elevator you kissed me quick, and you laughed at my stunned face and wide open eyes. I stood there for a second after the door opened, wanting it to close,
wondering what I could do to make you do that again.

Because I know the way you hold me.

Because we talk until dawn until my throat is sore from shared secrets and quiet laughter. I made myself sick one night staying up with you. I make myself sick sometimes, glutted on longing stuck in my throat. I want to kiss your eyes closed and watch them open to see how you look and how you look at me. I want you to stop me between floors and trap me in a confined space. I want the curve of my lips along your collarbones, I want it as my first thought in the moments before knowing.

Because in the quiet pre-dawn moments I even let myself want the things I cannot let myself say, the way if you say a wish it will not come true. I don’t know what I’m doing.
I think, I am so scared,
Because I am so scared.

— 

why I am the way I am about you 

by michi, for my bae 

5

yes hello anon we are actually giant dweebs who had trouble taking serious pictures so most of them came out all messed up because we were laughing a lot

also Archia is a jerk who kept on making faces at me and saying funny things to make me laugh and I am a dumb baby who thinks all of her jokes are funny

here are some pics that are similar to ones you’ve seen before but I threw in kissy pic as a bonus ;; 3;;

again our photographer is the amazing elevenhurricanes who had a lot of patience putting up with us!!

I was walking down the street holding hands with my girlfriend, being coupley and affectionate, when some bitter old lady shouted at us rudely from the window of her car 

I’ve been thinking about this the past few days, how when you’re visibly queer and out, even holding hands can be a revolutionary act - always aware of the undercurrent of risk and possible danger buzzing lowkey in the back of your mind

we were both a bit shaken by it, making jokes about how we’re going to get beaten up, but I kept holding her hand anyway and kissing it for reassurance 

as much as I hate not being “normal” or being looked at differently I would not give this up for anything in the world, because she makes me happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life (during which many periods have been quite sad), and she has been my rock this entire year (which has been incredibly difficult), we understand each other, we’re there for each other, even when it feels like just the two of us against the rest of the world -

  so bring on the revolution, my love is stronger than fear 

Physically speaking, we were made to last
Examine all the pieces of our recent past
There’s your mouth of tears
Your hands around my waist
Our love is easy (x)

Sherlock: archiaart

Girl!John: traumachu

Photographer: elevenhurricanes

2

(Fig 1.1 & Fig 1.2 - textual evidence of embarrassing conversations )

New Year’s Eve marked mine and @archiaart‘s​ ONE YEAR anniversary!!  That night, one year ago, I rang in the new year with my girlfriend, officially, for the very first time, and she kissed me over the bar with the lights glowing all around us. I was so over the moon I was orbiting Jupiter, I could have danced all night, I was floating on champagne and euphoria.   Neither of us could have possibly guessed what 2015 would hold, but we were going into it together.  

Although this is our one year anniversary, we’ve known each other for three. And I honestly can’t remember a single moment in all that time  where I didn’t have the BIGGEST, most devastating crush on this cool, talented, brilliant, beautiful, unattainable (so I thought) [tol] lady who sort of just stalked into my life and consumed my thoughts and dreams.

Maybe it’s the lightning strike type of love that people talk about. The kind that flashes bright in a second and cracks right through your heart. I certainly felt awestruck the first time I saw her. Many people do. It’s the way she enters a room - so tall and graceful and cool. All that long dark hair and her dark eyes and her long legs and slinky silhouette. The kind of woman who walks into the offices of hard-boiled private eyes, lookin like trouble. Femme fatale, deadly femininity. The kind of girl who’s your shoujo manga senpai. You think to yourself, how do people exist like this in real life?  

That of course is all just infatuation. Then comes all the rest. Real life: the awkward moments, all her frustrating little messy and forgetful habits, her clothes all over the floor, the way she can lose her keys 3 times in 10 minutes, the funny voices she does to make me laugh, that time she was trying to act all cool but lost her balance and actually fell out of the bed. I’ve seen her sick, I’ve seen her broken out and bloated, I’ve woken up next to someone who was more a mass of hair than a person and I look at her and I still think, this is the most beautiful person I have ever seen, how am I so lucky to be here.   

2015 taught me a lot about relationships. I’ve given my heart so easily away in the past - and I’m not talking romantically - but you know, in general. You know, love. You meet people and you want to make a connection, and you look for the best in them, every time, and you just give yourself to them. You give your trust, your fierce loyalty. Who knows why you do it so easily. Maybe your heart’s got a hole that can never be filled, so you’re unfulfilled, maybe there’s a bullied kid in there somewhere that grew up without any friends and now you try to amass them like that’ll prove something to those children that threw things at you at lunchtime, or maybe you just have a lot of love to give. Sometimes you end up with friends for life. But sometimes people just take that trust and crush it and you get all crushed up, crunched up in the process. I love hard, so I hurt even harder. Listen, it’s so easy for people to say they love you when you’re on top but who’s actually around when you’re down? It’s something we’ve all heard, but let me tell you, actually living it is a bitch and a half.

It’s so strange, it’s normal to mourn terrible breakups with ex-lovers but there are no Cosmo articles on how to get over the betrayal of your ex-friends, no ready-made Spotify playlists for getting over your ex-best-friend, whom you once dearly loved. Yet the heart breaks all the same.

It’s been a rollercoaster of a year. It seems so strange that the same year could have some of the happiest memories of my life and some of the worst times of my life, but hey, that’s life for you. Unpredictable. All you can do is try and survive.

Through it all, this lady has been my rock, my port in the storm. When I was betrayed by people I once cared deeply about, when we saw people we trusted turn their backs on us. When it felt like the whole world was against me I at least knew I wasn’t alone, even if it was just the two of us against the rest of the world.

What happened put me in a bad place, a dark place. I was a study in disaster, I was a mess in a dress, prone to sudden fits of crying while driving down the highway. But at least I had her. When I was broken down, when I needed help, she was there.

If three years ago someone had asked me what it’s like to be in love, I would’ve said, “I dunno, man” or depending on my mood, I might’ve said something like “that stuff will never happen to me” or “true love doesn’t exist, it’s a lie manufactured by media and greeting card companies,” or “Love is pain.” I had an ex who once told me that I had no choice to but to stay with him, because there was no one else who would take me. He said to me, “Do you think anyone else could ever love someone as fucked up as you?”

The answer is yes.

The answer is being in love is all the stuff that comes after the initial infatuation, the thrill of the chase, the will-they-or-won’t-they, do you like me? (pick one!), all that fun and exciting stuff. It’s the awkward moments, it’s laughing at the weird things bodies can do, it’s finding the person who makes you laugh until you cry, the person who makes you feel safe enough to cry, who lets you be a human disaster and helps you pick yourself up at the end of it all. It’s after all the exciting plot that’s in romance movies and TV shows is over, the couple finally gets together, the confessions have been made, the chase has been won, the credits have rolled, and it’s still exciting to you, it’s all still an adventure, let’s keep this story going.

I believe in the resilience of the human spirit. I believe in recovery, in remaking yourself as many times as you need, I believe in improving and becoming.  I believe in the friends who have given me the loyalty and support that I’ve desperately needed. And I believe in love.

It exists, it’s real, I’ve seen it. I know.

So between the Pokemon Go servers constantly crashing, and the fact that my phone is a slightly older model, I’ve been having a really hard time trying to achieve my tween-age dreams of becoming a Pokemon Master. This and the fact that my facebook feed is, in between terrible news and sad political commentary, filled with my friends’ pictures of their rare pokemon and recent gym conquests, I’ve been just a teeny bit bummed out. My app wasn’t functioning to the point where I didn’t even know how to encounter a wild pokemon. I spent a whole 8 hours sitting next to my coworker (whom I told about Pokemon Go) watching him catch pokemon left and right while I got nothing.

My girlfriend knows this and she suggests we go for a walk to the store to get milk  even though it’s late and rainy and dark out

and that’s how we ended up wandering around our quiet neighborhood in the dark, sharing an umbrella to fend off the rain, hunting for Pokemon. She said we wouldn’t go home till I caught something.

I ended up catching an Eevee and naming it after our cat.

while I was at 221B Con I was telling people how Archia uses her height to her advantage and likes to put things I want on high shelves so that I cannot reach because she likes to hear me call from the kitchen “Archia, can you get that for me?” and somehow the stepladder is never anywhere to be found >:[ 

and I was saying, “Sadly, the reverse never actually works” 

BUT while we were at the airport I was trying to get her to plug my phone in to the outlets that were just underneath the bar at Starbucks and she kept on insisting that there were no outlets, what was I talking about, these outlets clearly did not exist when I suddenly realized that SHE COULD NOT SEE THE OUTLETS AND I COULD 

SO, REST ASSURED MY FELLOW SHORT HUMANS: THE SMOLS SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH BECAUSE THE TOL DO NOT KNOW WHERE TO LOOK 

another cute gf story - 

today @archiaart and I went to the supermarket and then this bluesy song was playing over the loudspeaker, and it was so pretty and I liked it so much that I began to sway

she looked down, and saw me swaying, and then she swept me up in her arms and we began to dance in the baking aisle, both of us swaying gently together amongst the honeys and the syrups. She twirled me under the fluorescent lights, across from the butcher and the fishtanks ; and outside the rain was pouring down so the market was mostly empty as she danced me to the blues 

CUTE GF MOMENT OK GO
I had to work all night last night and then go back to work again in the afternoon , meaning 5 or 6 hrs of sleep at the most…😰 So my precious gf (!!!) made me brunch and served it to me in bed… !!! Presenting it to me like this 😖😭😫❣ she also made me an ice coffee with a post-it love note stuck to it… >_< I love her so much gosh  ❣ ❣