mg: birthday

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A perfect weekend for me would be reminiscent of the weekends of my childhood. That really is my ideal weekend: lots of children and games. As well as table tennis, card games with good friends.You laugh so much, but it’s also seriously competitive. My father taught me poker when I was 10 and I still like to play it at weekends.- Jemma Redgrave

5 Things (1/11/15)

1. I started Wellbutrin this week. I didn’t want to take medication. I’ve always been afraid of medicine. But I promised myself I’d try something new to help manage my depression, anxiety, and ADD in the new year, so I did. I don’t know what else to say except…it’s working. I still have an anxious thought here or there, but it’s so much easier not to get stuck there. It’s easier to find light. I climb out. I don’t feel like less of me. I don’t feel “medicated”. I feel like a fog of perpetual doubt has been lifted. I feel like more of me.

There’s more work to do, of course. Pills aren’t magic. I still need therapy, I still need coping mechanisms, and I still need to be honest about what my emotional and mental health requires. But, I feel like I can do that. I’ve always suspected I could do anything I put my mind too. Now that I’m taking care of my mind, the suspicion is becoming a belief. I worry about coming across as arrogant. I worry about that a lot. But that worry is tired. I’m a black queer woman in America, and I have to bet on me. I must.

Starting wellbutrin is me finding out what it looks like to make myself a priority, to put me first. I need to be selfish in service to myself to love myself well. I’m going to keep saying that until I believe it. I’m trying. Every single day I try.

2. This week I’ve been hyper-aware of how many women have lifted me up and continue to empower me. There were multiple times this week when I was brought to tears by the ferocity of my friendships with the women in my life. Do you know what one of my greatest pleasures is? Introducing a brilliant woman I know to another brilliant woman I know. In my mind, this is the closest I come to divining my own magic.

3. Right now I’m reading “Everything I Never Told You” by Celeste Ng. The truth is, I’ve just started it. Another truth is, I’ve already neglected most of the other reading I’m supposed to be doing so I can spend more time with this book. So far, I’m enthralled. Have you read it? Don’t tell me how it ends! 

I’ll let you know what I think when I finish, and I’ll let you know what I start reading next. I’ll try to tell you what great things I’m consuming.

4. My birthday was this week. 28 feels more productive. Or that’s the wellbutrin…either way, I’m starting to feel I’m getting myself together. A lot of things changed when I was 27. I started a new job, I moved to New York, I finished the first draft of my book, and my boyfriend moved in. Those are the big good things.

27 also made me watch my grandmother, the love of my life, enter hospice. I was physically and sexually attacked on the subway. I experienced my first real manic episode. My brother stopped talking to me aside from a text here or there. Yeah, there were some big bad things too. 

On Wednesday, my actual birthday, my favorite food blogger (and now good friend) and her husband made a meal that made me feel like a Queen. Another friend hosted us in her home and decorated the table with confetti that spelled my name. There were paper crowns, balloons, and the most whimsical casual love fest I’ve ever experienced. My people sat at the table and each one made a wish for me in my 28th year. I cried, they cried, and we turned air around us into whatever truly moves a heart.

Here is my wish for my 28th year: That I give better, love better, and walk boldly in the direction of the life I want. I want to lift others the way I’ve been lifted, maybe higher. I want to give somebody their shot. And I want to take mine too.

5. It’s been seven days. Kelly has made a practice of making me tea in the evenings. I like to kiss him until he wakes up. Every few days one of declares the room too messy and we work together to pick it up quickly. We went to Trader Joe’s, put three things in our basket, saw the checkout line and promptly abandoned our cart and went to a bookstore instead. We only hold hands when it won’t block someone on the sidewalk. We both know the Edward Norton Hulk movie, though imperfect, is the only one that matters. I made him watch “Bridget Jones’ Diary” for the first time and was delighted by how much he genuinely enjoyed it. Guys, he was enthralled. 

It’s been seven days. I never knew a person could sweat so much in their sleep. He’s concerned that I don’t poop enough. Maybe I don’t, but how is that his business?! He tried to get me to walk somewhere that was forty minutes away, and when I said I didn’t want to, he harped at me about my doctor saying I needed to be more active because of my high blood sugar, and I got mad because I felt like he was calling me fat and lazy. Twice, at group outings, he  drank what I consider too much. I don’t know if it’s actually too much because I never have more than one mixed drink, two beers, or two glasses of wine. I am biased. Alcohol scares me. He wasn’t sloppy, but I was worried. I worry a lot. He leaves his shoes everywhere.

This is the first relationship I’ve ever had where I feel like I have a partner in crime. It often feels like we’re conspiring, whispering our next move to each other, and smirking behind our hands. I’m the one with the plan, he’s the one who thinks better on his feet. Together, we get the job done. We create. We miss each other. We let each other go. And we come back. He slips away to make me tea when I’m writing, and when he’s laying in our bed, sweaty and sweet, I kiss his eyelids and shoulders. I say, “Good morning, My Love.” Then I leave the room, stopping to line his shoes up right next to mine.

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Happy Birthday “Snake”!!

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Massive Happy birthday to an amazing guy who is just over all fucking amazing and outrageously BEAUTIFUL ! I love you soo much and I honestly don’t go one single day without thinking about you and how much you mean to me. You are such a sweet human and it really shows when you do all that you do for charity and when you go out of your way just to take a picture with a fan. Everything you do is perfect and caring and you truly are our ‘Superhero’. I love you so much and I hope one day I can meet you in person to tell you what you mean to me. I hope you have the happest and best 22nd birthday in the entire world because you deserve it! I love you ❤️

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I just got a really great present in the mail…

Heya-Naya-Birthday-Twitter-Riot 2015. Here is how it all happened:

Heather: “I gotta tweet Naya for her birthday!!! Maybe I also mention the last wonderful 6 yeeeeeaaaaars!” Typing….

Heather: “Yes that looks good :-)! Oh no maybe I should add a cute pic of us. Were is that delete button again…ah there it is!” Deleting first tweet and go on google typing “Brittana pics”.

Heather: “Oh that`s a sweet one. Naya with the bubble :-)! So again. Maybe I should add a sorry and a smiley at the end…I just love smileys.”

Heather: “Now it`s perfect, hope she sees it! Oooooh nooooo, I forgot to mention her, so she would never see that cute bubble pic! I have to delete it again.” Deletes second tweet and trys it once again with the mention

Heather: “Yayyyy I finally did it!!! I really need to ask Naya about twitter the next time I see her!”

Haha, sorry I couldn`t resist. Hemo is really the sweetest thing I`ve ever seen!! *Hearteyes*

Happy 50th birthday Rob Zombie! Can’t wait to have some more badass tattoos of yours… maybe one from 31 perhaps? ;) I’m too excited for 31 to come out!! 🎈You’ve been one of my biggest inspirations to this day, thanks for being so rad! @robzombieofficial ✖️TUTTI FUCKING FRUITY 🍒

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It´s crazy to think that you are turning 29 today and it´s even crazier to think about the huge spark and light you bring to so many people’s lives, including my own. I often wish we could give some of that back to you and make you see “the astonishing light of your own being”, to say it with a poet’s words. That we could let you know that YOU are what is most important to us in all of this. You, the humble, kind-hearted and fun-loving human being and the talented, hard-working, and capturing actor, mean the world to me and so many others. 

You deserve all the good things and I wish you all the strength in the world so you can achieve every single goal you set for yourself and more. My most important and biggest wish for you on this very special day, however, is a happy, healthy and long life for you, filled with joy and love from the people around you that love you for you, because your well-being and happiness matter so much and you deserve that more than anything. You are one of a kind, and so, so precious, so please take care of yourself!

Happy Birthday, Zac!
I love you more than words can ever express and you will always have a very special place in my heart wherever your journey may take you! 
💙

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⎿For @sasukkee ♥︎!⏋