metro etiquette

I can't with these basic ppl

Ppl need to understand how the motherfucking metro works. If it is not rush hour, then missing your train means waiting 10 - 15 minutes. Here are some helpful tips to keep me from stabbing all of you in my brain.

Do NOT stand in the middle of the escalators chatting about how white and middle class you are. Other people have places to go and are expected to actually get there quickly without expensive fair trade cappunchinos so we walk down the left side of the escalator.

Do NOT shuffle with your family group taking up the entire 7 ft wide walkway in order to show other how much /fun/ you and your family have being assholes. Other ppl who /are/ working have places to go that require brisk walking to get there.

Do NOT stand in front of the metro doors. You and your first class luggage can find your way to the center of the car the same way economy class finds their way to the back of the plane. Also your luggage does not need a seat; I have no idea how first class airs seats work but that is not how the metro works.

Do NOT take up two seats with your ass, dick space and collosal sense of entitlement. My vulva and purse don’t need extra space so neither do your testicals. If you need that much space stand. Away from the doors.

Do NOT touch blind or other disabled people as they board the metro car. If they ask you what train they are getting on, tell them with your words not your hands. They probably don’t want your metro germs.

Do NOT sit in the handicap seats if there are other empty seats. These seats are for disabled people. You are an asshole and I hate you if you immediately gravitate towards the empty handicap seats rather than the dozens of other empty seats on the metro car. I have sat watching teenage boys take up four pairs of handicap seats with their wide legged sprawl while elderly people have had to shuffle past them to sit down. Don’t be that asshole. Like, really.

Bonus: do NOT allow your gap polo wearing child to lean over the metro tracks. Those bumpy tiles do not show a fun play area; they denote danger of falling and dying. As much as I wish all you assholes would stop riding public transport, I don’t actually want to see a little one zapped or run over. If you are over 10 years old and do this, I may or not be hoping you fall.