Maybe if I compared you to vodka, I’d finally regret you name coming in contact with my tongue. If I compared you to fire, I’d finally stopped reaching for you in the middle of the night. If I compared you to weeds, I’d finally pluck you out of my life. If I stopped comparing you to everything beautiful in the world, I would finally stop romanticizing you, and all the pain you’ve ever caused me. Maybe, just maybe, I would finally learn how to stop loving you.
can we just talk about the concept of “neil josten”? nathaniel, after being born living under his mother and father’s mafia ties and his broken childhood of just running away over and over and over again. nathaniel had no identity, nathaniel was a name on a death certificate. nathaniel was a ghost of a memory. nathaniel was a figure in the butcher’s shadow. a thorn that was supposed to grow into a deadly knife. but his mother changed that. she fought. nathaniel didnt even get an ounce of affection except when it was a sick metephor justifying his mothers anxiety and control over his interactions. nathaniel was trained to be mirage, a quick image; so fleeting you could question it ever being there. nathaniel had nothing and he suppressed everything to run and run and run.
but neil josten, however, was a kid who slept in the locker room and built himself back up. he started exy again, from stratch. he survived for the sake of himself. he allowed wymack to sign him. he gave up the little security he had. he questioned andrew. he fought kevin. he gave kevin his game. he confided in matt to make sure andrew didn’t find his binder. he gave up what he was willing to manage. he trusted andrew. he cared for andrew. he didn’t push andrew. he questioned riko. he called out riko. he told riko to fuck off. he completely destroyed riko’s cycle of control. he allowed himself to be angry. he fucked up, a lot. he succeed, a lot. he encouraged kevin to stop being second best. he questioned the concept of hope bc he wanted hope. he wanted to belong. he wanted home. he wanted exy. he wanted his identity to be more than a fake name and date of birth. he stopped surpressing. he let abby hold him. he let abby worry about him after baltimore. he allowed himself to process what happened to him in baltimore. he risked everything for something bigger. he risked everything for himself, and for his foxes. he made the calls true to his heart. he is unapologetic and straightforward. he has nightmares and fears of being dragged back into that shadow of where he was Nathaniel. but he is neil abram josten now. he became neil the moment he signed to the foxes. neil josten has an identity. he has a home. he isnt perfect, he will never be. he had dan who has been patient from the beginning, he had matt who watched over him from the beginning, he had wymack who sternly reminded him that he can leave his past behind, he had andrew who, in his own way, gave up the missing pieces to neil’s security. when neil became neil, he allowed himself happiness and freedom that nathaniel could have never experienced. and that’s some fucking character development. (feel free to add)
As much as I didn’t want to be someone I wasn’t, in that case who I thought I was but actually am not, I have in the past few days been forcing myself to be someone beyond my current capacity for ideology. Even though those thoughts were good, and held a lot of truth, those aren’t things I’ve fully realized yet. To recognize them would push me more and more out of humanity. Yet I have not yet left humanity. I was only reaching for something I cannot yet have.
It’s like Naruto saying he would one day be Hokage, then doing all he could to achieve it. It got him in dangerous positions because he was biting off more than he could chew, even though one day he would be able to handle it. Yes I am using Naruto as my metaphor.
So, one day, as I grow stronger mentally and philosophically, I can achieve my goal. But for now, I can only go at this pace and try to recognize who I truly am at the moment, for I am ever changing. This is step one: Genin.
[tiny brain graphic] mutants are a metephor for the alienation and suffering of the lgbt community
[big brain graphic]marvel frequently exploits marginalised stories via mutants making allegories for racism , homophobia, transphobia ect instead of actually writing our stories
[exploding brain graphic] buy iceman #1
Alright, so I finished Journal 3 today and I have so many things I want to say. In my other post I said described how looking and seeing Ford deepening into insanity and paranoia made me feel and how it affected me.
hey guyss! i FINALLY hit 3K and my birthday is coming up soon so i decided to give back to all the people who have been such amazing people to meet and become friends with in just over a year! you guys have been so kind and amazing and have helped me in the greatest times of need! 103979843298562569 apologies if i forget anyone coz i have soooo many mutuals! i still love all of you! even if you dont follow back!
bloodyhaz boybland weyheylywilliams baegls stylesfm whiteteethniallwhoafucknarry sheeren tomnomlinson teenfaerie poolharry spicegrrlhandsoffmycash itsjustananchor drunkybuddha piratemalik liampaypalzarriallofficial stylesfire louistomlibooty doncasterover luminorious gothdirectionzoynmolok mjacksons fivestyles ofgettingstuck dickthrustniall pantlesstylesgoonsac iliketoship mullingstabate jellyfishes hotcrocs dyedream itslaurahwhyridingmaliksdick louis28tomlinson cigarettezayn littlewhitestyles feminarchydownintinpanalley mutuallouis irishsunshine dumbteenbaby harrythehobo just-hazelgrace and a special thanks to harrygilmore for adding me in this incredible group of legends!
some of my best friends here i love you guys more than anything!
Sharni Jasmin Sam Mina Aubrey Claire Em Marissa
my real life tribal friends you guys are the best and i love you!
Fire is such a perfect metaphor for humanity it’s self. The way it roars and shines and claws at the sky. How it consumes everything it’s groping fingers touch. Maybe that’s why it has such a grip on all our souls.
i have over 400 mutuals which is literally INSANE so thanks for being a positive presence and for bein u B) i hope 2015 is kind to u all!!
this list should include eVeRyOnE so if ur not on here i APOLOGIZE and please let me know. a lot of ppl are changing urls for holidays and such and i’ve been working on this for a few days so be sure to check for your old url if you’ve recently changed!