i. I WAS A BEAST, ONCE. cloaked &. bathed in darkness, a nightmare with all claws &. teeth that longed to scratch & tear — nothing that moved was safe from me, no, no, so enthralled was i with the metallic taste of blood on my tongue &. the feeling of bones snapping like twigs in my teeth was too much my ecstasy. nothing was safe; i killed for sport as much as i did out of gluttony. rip &. tear, rip &. tear, monstrous butcher was i, &. O! How i loved it. how i loved the smell, the screams, the taste — i looked down at the blood ‘pon my claws &. laughed in joy.
ii. I WAS A BEAST, ONCE. i bathed in darkness, wrapped myself in it til’ i could only see my disgusting desires to hurt &. never to feel hurt, to maul but never be touched. &. there i lurked, 'til one day the curtains of shadow were abruptly pulled back. i snarled in the blast of light, bared my teeth — only to find you there. wide-eyed yet not a hint of fear in your eyes, even when you stared at me, the most hideous thing on this planet. i could’ve snapped off your head right then &. there, but to my surprise you did not cower. you stood tall, &. you commented that i could do with some sunlight. it made me stop in my tracks, &. in my confusion i forgot what i had spent my entire life building myself up to be in the presence of someone who was either bold or couldn’t see what i was ( &. IF SO YOU WOULD BE THE FIRST ). i looked down at my claws &. felt confusion.
iii. I WAS A BEAST ONCE. you took me by my inhuman paws &. dragged me outside to where there was light &. life &. color. i squinted my eyes as i had spent my entire life in darkness, stunned by the brightness of the sky &. how it reflected in your hair. in any other circumstance i should’ve killed you a long time ago; eaten up your heart &. spat out your soul — but you thwarted every chance i got, took me by the hand &. swept me off my feet. you danced with me by the riverside, sat among the flowers &. made me laugh even though i had always believed i didn’t know how. i’ll never know if you knew what you were doing, when you ripped every chance for me to hurt you; to bite into your lungs &. make you another pile of bones in that den i never even visit anymore — but i doubt i would even care. not anymore. i look down at my claws &. they feel like they belong to someone else — someone more monstrous than me, because you took the monstrosity right out of me.
iv. I WAS A BEAST, ONCE. you can’t erase your past, love, no matter how hard you try. you can scrub your skin for as long &. as hard as you want, but the stain’s never gonna go away. you may have pulled me from the darkness, but some of the darkness came with me. i just wear the skin now, but the skin reminds me. i’ve been having nightmares i haven’t told you about, where the darkness fills my lungs &. my eyes glow an evil green — i take you into a seemingly beloved embrace before taking my somehow re - sharpened teeth &. biting your head clean off. the friends i made thanks to you litter the floor 'round my bed, chunks of meat flowing in a sea of red. i sit on the bloody mattress &. let out a laugh that belongs to something crawled forth from hell — &. then i wake up. i wake up &. i cry but i won’t say anything because you already did so much for me. but…. i’m terrified. i look down at my claws &. i hate them, i fear them. i hallucinate your blood on them &. it makes me sick every time. what if i relapse? i don’t want to. i love you. i don’t want to dig my teeth into you. not after all you’ve done for me.
I was a beast, once. please help me not become a beast again.