i. I WAS A BEAST, ONCE. cloaked &. bathed in darkness, a nightmare with all claws &. teeth that longed to scratch & tear — nothing that moved was safe from me, no, no, so enthralled was i with the metallic taste of blood on my tongue &. the feeling of bones snapping like twigs in my teeth was too much my ecstasy. nothing was safe; i killed for sport as much as i did out of gluttony. rip &. tear, rip &. tear, monstrous butcher was i, &. O! How i loved it. how i loved the smell, the screams, the taste — i looked down at the blood ‘pon my claws &. laughed in joy.

ii. I WAS A BEAST, ONCE. i bathed in darkness, wrapped myself in it til’ i could only see my disgusting desires to hurt &. never to feel hurt, to maul but never be touched. &. there i lurked, 'til one day the curtains of shadow were abruptly pulled back. i snarled in the blast of light, bared my teeth — only to find you there. wide-eyed yet not a hint of fear in your eyes, even when you stared at me, the most hideous thing on this planet. i could’ve snapped off your head right then &. there, but to my surprise you did not cower. you stood tall, &. you commented that i could do with some sunlight. it made me stop in my tracks, &. in my confusion i forgot what i had spent my entire life building myself up to be in the presence of someone who was either bold or couldn’t see what i was ( &. IF SO YOU WOULD BE THE FIRST ). i looked down at my claws &. felt confusion.

iii. I WAS A BEAST ONCE. you took me by my inhuman paws &. dragged me outside to where there was light &. life &. color. i squinted my eyes as i had spent my entire life in darkness, stunned by the brightness of the sky &. how it reflected in your hair. in any other circumstance i should’ve killed you a long time ago; eaten up your heart &. spat out your soul — but you thwarted every chance i got, took me by the hand &. swept me off my feet. you danced with me by the riverside, sat among the flowers &. made me laugh even though i had always believed i didn’t know how. i’ll never know if you knew what you were doing, when you ripped every chance for me to hurt you; to bite into your lungs &. make you another pile of bones in that den i never even visit anymore — but i doubt i would even care. not anymore. i look down at my claws &. they feel like they belong to someone else — someone more monstrous than me, because you took the monstrosity right out of me.

iv. I WAS A BEAST, ONCE. you can’t erase your past, love, no matter how hard you try. you can scrub your skin for as long &. as hard as you want, but the stain’s never gonna go away. you may have pulled me from the darkness, but some of the darkness came with me. i just wear the skin now, but the skin reminds me. i’ve been having nightmares i haven’t told you about, where the darkness fills my lungs &. my eyes glow an evil green — i take you into a seemingly beloved embrace before taking my somehow re - sharpened teeth &. biting your head clean off. the friends i made thanks to you litter the floor 'round my bed, chunks of meat flowing in a sea of red. i sit on the bloody mattress &. let out a laugh that belongs to something crawled forth from hell — &. then i wake up. i wake up &. i cry but i won’t say anything because you already did so much for me. but…. i’m terrified. i look down at my claws &. i hate them, i fear them. i hallucinate your blood on them &. it makes me sick every time. what if i relapse? i don’t want to. i love you. i don’t want to dig my teeth into you. not after all you’ve done for me.

—  I was a beast, once. please help me not become a beast again.
bad blood

One cold night the full moon’s blaze burns

The children tremble and pray, taking turns

The sky bursts its heartbeat into buzz’n thunder

Black turning into whistling metal, going under

My sweet baby, there’s only blood for your baptize

ready for bed, after the noise and havoc slowly dies

Stay in your cellars, a howling beast is out tonight

It’s something beautiful, deadly and cruelly bright

The night shivers with autumn stars

Highways packed with abandoned cars

Dark and deep silence solidifies into absence

shifting days and nights back into balance

Wishful thinking, being covered in leafs and  mud

Meat and saliva, sweet baby, this is bad blood