Merlin has lived for almost longer than he can remember. He works day-to-day in a coffee shop, when one day the magic in the air shifts and the lake of Avalon boils. The Once and Future King is returning.
It could have been the classic scene: Running into each other, knocking coffee over, buying the bloke a fresh coffee and with a bit of luck, getting laid. But then the girl had pulled Merlin’s jeans up and revealed an artificial leg.
So what if Eggsy was sure that Merlin was a virgin. Because the guy is fit, but so severe, and cold, but used phrases like ‘in the biblical sense’ and when Eggsy had overheard Merlin say ‘oh no, no, no, no, no” when joined Tilde.
And Merlin always blushes a little when having to discuss honeypots, and the way his staff teases him about having to get supplies from what they all call ‘the sex bin’ and the fact that most of the Kingsman are hideous flirts and Merlin never reacts at all and he never talks about a bloke or a bird, and is just always at the office.
Eggsy is sure it is a 50 year old virgin thing.
He even tries to set Merlin up on a date and that didn’t work. He mentioned it to a couple of the other agents and they almost pissed themselves laughing which sure Merlin being a virgin is a little funny, but not that much that is sort of mean.
And then things go to shit.
And they are in Kentucky.
And Merlin kicks open the door to the padded room and Eggsy barely has time to blink and Harry and Merlin are ravishing each other and Merlin drops to his knees with a thud and is sucking cock like a goddamn porn star.
Eggsy is the one who is blushing. Tequila mostly tilts his head and nods. “Huh, thought you guys were the classy sort.”
“Generally we are,” Eggsy says. They both keep watching stunned and helpless to the show. “Rather bendy for their age. So much for my theory about him being a virgin.”
“Shit, half the scribbles on the walls in there are butterflies, the other have are sex drawings and lists of what he needs Hamish to do to him. Based on that greeting, I’m guessing your Merlin is Hamish. They are really detailed lists. I’ve seen bathroom stalls with less filth written on them. Though the variety is impressive.”
Eggsy nods. “Harry likes big words.”
“Apparently big dicks too,” Tequila adds looking at the men.
“Did not expect -” Eggsy pauses. “Wait, his name is fucking Hamish?” Eggsy shouts.
Ginger comes over and whites out the screen. “Show’s over,” she said firmly and guided them out to create some privacy.
I wish Dumbledore had given the wizarding world the middle
finger. I really freaking do. I wish, with all my heart that Dumbledore didn’t
even try. I pray that he would have
said: “Oh, Hagrid got expelled? What the frick does that have to do with me? Oh that’s
right…nothing at all, byyyeeeee!” I wish that Albus motherfricking Dumbledore
had said: “Oh, Newt Scamander is getting expelled? Not my problem, bye.”
It is my earnest wish and desire that Dumbledore just
decided to be a giant dick to everyone else’s problems but his own. “Harry’s on
trial for underage magic? What the hell are you calling me for, it’s not my
problem.” I wish that he would have just said: “Werewolf boy can’t get into
school? Man, screw Remus. Screw Remus, screw Hagrid and screw Scamander too. Damn all of them to hell.” That is what I WISH he had said. I wish that Dumbledore would
have fled the country when Voldemort was on the rise, I wish he hadn’t hidden
Lily and James at all. I wish he had
CREATED Voldemort, damn it! Screw all of you, he’s YOUR problem now. Not mine,
it’s all about me bitch.” I wish with everything IN me that Dumbledore had
never done ANYTHING at all when Grindelwald took over Europe, in fact I wish he
had helped. I wish he would have stayed with Grindelwald and been an evil
wizard overlord, he would have been emperor of the world by now. I wish he had seized Minister of Magic when
it was offered to him and watched England freaking burn to the ground while he danced around the ashes, maybe had a
glass of Firewhiskey or two. Maybe even started the fires, I don’t know. I wish
he would have gone MAD with power and just decided to take over the Merlin-damned world for kicks, married Grindelwald and spent his days kicking puppies! I wish
that he had rubbed his hands together in absolute fiendish maniacal glee when
Harry was being abused. I wish he would have had Sirius poisoned in his cell. I
wish that Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore had done EVERYTHING he has
been accused of by this fandom, and I wish that he would have gotten away with it! I really wish that, because
if you’re gonna be accused of not
giving a damn, you may as well stop giving a damn. I wish that Dumbledore had
just thrown his hands up, because if you’re going to be constantly accused of
being a demon, you may as well give the people what they want, right? You want
a villain, you got one. And we all know it was Dumbledore’s dream to be the
best. If your good isn’t good enough, be the BEST damn bad that you can be. He
did aim to please, after all.
“You’re going to accuse me of being bad? Well I’m going to
show you JUST how bad I can be. Then you’ll want the old Dumbledore back. But
guess what darling? By then, it’s too late. You got what you wanted, don’t feel
buyer’s remorse now. I wish Dumbledore was petty like that. I want Voldy to eat
his heart out, Dumbledore is the new sheriff in town. I wish Dumbledore had just taken the world and decided to screw it with the damn Elder Wand, with no freaking lube. I really need Joanne to
write an alternative HP series just like this. I need that with everything in
my heart, because you think that Dumbledore is a villain now? You think he’s “the
worst”? Honey, you ain’t seen nothing
yet. You don’t appreciate the pretty things I try to do? Well let me introduce
you to my ugly, and he does not play
so, you know how like, easy it was for merlin to get arthur to believe “clotpole” and “dollophead” were words? to the point where arthur actually started using them?
i am 300% here for modern day merlin making up completely nonsensical slang words and idioms and casually slipping them into conversation with a recently returned arthur. and then arthur will use them in front of other people and they’ll be like, wtf are you saying?? and merlin will just chuckle to himself
and then after a while merlin will start using real slang but arthur will be like “i’m not falling for that again!” which will only make merlin laugh more
Yay more Omegaverse (Which btw I didn’t know you all would like it that much damn)
I’m gonna stray from the canon JUST SLIGHTLY because I refuse to believe that Charlie was a complete dick and after getting kicked out of Kingsman he just went immediately along with Valentine’s insanity I refuse to believe it it didn’t happen nope so if you don’t want to read about Charlie/Eggsy/Roxy friendship with additional Merlin being pissed off just skip this next paragraph and go on to the next one
So, we left off towards the beginning of training with Eggsy, Roxy, and Charlie getting reprimanded cause they were laughing and cheering on Alphas while they fought over Eggsy and subsequently got kicked out. Merlin was glad that, though it caused some tensions, Charlie didn’t get along with Eggsy and Roxy since he knew them being friends would only cause trouble but after that point they started growing closer and everything kind of went to hell for him. They went from him going “No leave each other alone” to “No put that down- Charlie don’t defend Eg- Roxy don’t defend either of- For God’s sake will you just put the fucking pen down I swear you’re why my hair disappeared- yes I fucking know I was bald when I met you it went away in preparation for the stress you give me so I wouldn’t rip it all out.” So, at the distress of literally everyone else, the three become fast friends (Once Charlie gets over that damn superiority complex) and quickly shift into helping each other rather than hindering each other like everyone else was doing. All three of them had skills that could help each other, why not share?
As for Merlin and Harry, they’re utterly floored. Here’s this boy, the only Omega that was put up, coming out as the top in nearly all of his tests, who’s effectively gotten two other recruits kicked out by doing nothing more than batting his eyes at both of them and letting chaos ensue, this boy is one of a kind and they want him for their own, they want him so badly, but they believe that there is zero chance for them to ever have him. Naively, they think that his growing relationship with Roxy and Charlie is the beginnings of him creating his pack, Roxy being his Alpha and Charlie being an honorary member since he’s a Beta. The fact that Eggsy instantly goes to Roxy whenever he has one of his night terrors (Which are quite frequent, poor thing has had a hell of a life) and Merlin sees it every time since he keeps watch over them to make sure no one plays any dirty tricks (And because Eggsy looks so cute when he snores sometimes and when he squirms around in bed and ends up snuggling up with his pillow because he always sleeps better when he’s cuddled up with something but he’d never in a million years admit that to anyone) and each time it happens his heart gives a little clench because this perfect Omega is someone elses. But oh how they’re wrong.
One day, for some random test the recruits have to go through, both of them get to find out very pleasantly that they were wrong when they go to the dorms to tell the recruits about their next assignment (Harry’s there because in all of the years that they’d done this test he was the one person that completely aced it) and they come in to see the three troublemakers sat on Eggsy’s bed and Eggsy’s grinning at Roxy because “I hope the bird you choose don’t get jealous over me, Rox, I am the perfect Omega” and Charlie laughs and rolls his eyes and Roxy laughs and tries to push him off the bed and then Harry is clearing his throat and all three of them are wide-eyed and blushing and Merlin very politely asks “Women, Roxy?” and she nods shyly and it takes all of their self restraint to hold back from cheering because /Roxy isn’t going to be his Alpha there’s still a chance for us/ but instead of doing that Harry nods and says “Don’t worry, you won’t receive and prejudice against such a thing here. Half of the staff would be gone if there was” and she relaxes and smiles and Eggsy raises an eyebrow but that’s the end of the conversation and Merlin is frustrated again because Eggsy Unwin if you pickpocket me one more time- CHARLIE FOR FUCKS SAKE GIVE ME THAT BACK BEFORE I FUCKING MAKE YOU RUN AROUND THE TRACK UNTIL YOU PASS OUT. And it’s good like that for a while.
Then Harry goes into the coma.
Every single day Eggsy goes to visit him, needing to see him and watch him and make sure no changes happen without him there (For better or worse). It gets to the point where Roxy and Charlie will come and get him (“Eggsy we have a test” “Eggsy it’s lunchtime” “ Eggsy it’s time to go to bed”) and more often than not it ends with Charlie having to carry Eggsy back to the rooms because he fell asleep in the chair he pulls up beside Harry’s bed.
One time, when the recruits were being given a while to rest and heal after their latest test (Charlie had a bullet hole in his side, Roxy sprained her ankle badly, Eggsy had dozens of bruises and scrapes and cuts and every single muscle in his body was more sore than he’d ever experienced before), it was Merlin’s turn to check up on him. Briefly he’d gone in to check on the worst injuries and he’d noticed that Eggsy wasn’t anywhere in the room but he knew that he was too injured to do anything strenuous so he went to the logical place where he would be: Harry’s room. When he gets there he sees that Eggsy is asleep in his chair, posture stiff because of his sore muscles and his cuts and bruises and Merlin sighs and rubs a hand gently across the back of his neck before kneeling down beside him and carefully waking him up. Eggsy startles when he does and panics slightly when he sees Merlin (“Is he alright? Is something wrong? He’s still stable, yeah?”) and Merlin calmly assures him that Harry is fine and stable before gently reprimanding him for not resting like he should be. For a few minutes Eggsy’s fine and listens to Merlin and agrees with him but then exhaustion and physical pain and emotional hurt sneaks up on him and all of a sudden he’s crying in Merlin’s arms. Merlin worries for a moment since he’s never been in this situation before but quickly his instincts take over and in the next second Merlin is sitting in the chair with Eggsy curled up in his lap and he’s rocking him and holding him close and kissing his head tenderly and shushing him and it takes a while but eventually Eggsy’s just sniffling and curled up with his head buried in Merlin’s neck, practically drinking in the scent of safecalmAlphaprotectedhappy that Merlin is giving off and one hand is loosely clutching his jumper and he’s more content and happy and in love at that moment that he just gently presses a little kiss to Merlin’s jaw and they stay that way for hours before Eggsy falls back asleep (This time from being so comfortable and warm and happy and safe) and Merlin carries him back to his room. All of the other recruits are asleep and Merlin lays Eggsy down on his bed but when Merlin starts pulling away Eggsy starts whining and squirming and Merlin sighs and pulls off his jumper and carefully places it close to Eggsy and instantly he’s soothed by the soft fabric and the strong Alpha scent and he falls deep asleep clutching the jumper close to him. Merlin smiles and kisses his forehead before he leaves him to rest.
No one says anything about the new jumper Eggsy has or the fact that he uses it to calm himself down late at night or how he sleeps better when he holds it close or how it gets switched out every few days. They all know it’s safer to leave the situation be.
Again, I’m gonna continue this through the end of the movie (And a little bit beyond I have ideas guys lots of ideas)
i.the great escape - woodkid ii.awake my soul - mumford & sons iii.dressed in black - sia iv.head is not my home - ms mr v.i love you - woodkid vi.smother - daughter vii.lean - oh land viii.lover’s eyes- mumford & son’s
🎄♫ All I Want For Christmas is You- Mariah Carey// Marauders Era: Remus x Reader
Okay this might sound crazy but imagine a one shot where Remus is
smitten with a girl and while joking with the marauders he says that he
wants her for christmas and Sirius (cheeky bastard he is) ties her up in
a bow n puts her under their Xmas tree
Frost settles on the roofs of the castle, nipping at the noses of
still statues in the courtyard and resting on gentle blades of grass.
Grey pillars are graced by the glimmer of white fragments that stick to
them like glue. In the delicate light of the early dusk, the castle and
everything around it is peacefully aglow.
pure white canvas that covers the cold, hard ground is disturbed by 3
pairs of footprints, the trails still forming, leading to a trio of
shivering boys that rush towards the entrance of the castle, their coats
rustling across the newly ivory tenting that covered the world.
should have just stayed in,” Sirius Black’s teeth chattered as his
eyebrow knitted into a frown, snowflake segments scattered across his
“Quit complaining Pads, I had to
find the perfect gift,” James Potter had determination running through
his veins and pouring out through his voice.
you ever worry that Evans might think you’re some kind of a stalker?”
the raspy voice of Remus Lupin floated across the rustle of their capes
and the thumps of their shoes.
“Shut up, I
know she likes me. Probably. Maybe. She does, alright?” James’
confidence was shaken as he frustratedly snapped at his friend, fumbling
with the necklace that he had taken out of it’s box numerous times
since they had left Hogsmeade, just to make sure it would match her
glowing emerald eyes and compliment her radiant smile.
don’t sound very sure,” Sirius’ statement earned a strong shove from
James, laughter echoing from all 3 boys as they hurriedly walked to
their destination, that still seemed miles away.
are you laughing Moony? I don’t see you getting Y/L/N a present?” the
hesitation in James’ voice transformed into smugness as he gave the now
crimson cheeked boy a nudge. Remus stared down at his snow covered
boots, his step becoming quicker and quicker.
can’t run away from the truuuuuuuth!” seemingly having forgotten all
about his freezing hands, Sirius yelled, his exclamation almost a song,
that was very likely heard at the glistening tops of Hogwarts’ highest
Remus stopped in his tracks, causing his distracted friends to immediately bump into him.
yes, I like Y/N, thank you for stating the obvious. If it were
possible, I’d want her under a Christmas tree wearing a bow and nothing
else. But it won’t happen, because she doesn’t even know I exist. Now,
can we get back to teasing James, please? Because that’s a lot more
Stunned by the calm and determined
tone of their friend’s voice, Sirius and James stood static for a
moment, their mouths slightly open, before they ran to catch up with
their friend, exchanging mischievous glances.
dipped her quill in ink and began the final sentence of her Divination
assignment, interrupted by a tap on her sweater covered shoulder that
caused her to smudge the looping writing that covered the parchment
sprawled across the library desk, and whispered profanities to slip off
her soft lips. She turned around, frustrated, ink covering her fingers,
coming face to face with Sirius Black.
A little desperate, Merlin looks around the room for his second most comfortable chair. Obligingly, it hops across the floor, coming to a stop near the fire, and Merlin follows it, noticing Arthur watching in interest. He can’t help it; the chair does a quick twirl before falling on the rug with a soft plop. Sitting down, Merlin stares at the fire moodily, trying to keep from twitching at the slick, unfamiliar slide of fine wool against his skin. He’s still not entirely sure what’s happened to all his old clothes, but between Morgana and Gwen, he’s fairly sure he’s never going to see any of them ever again. “So.”
Arthur widens his eyes to show he’s very, very bored. Merlin tries not to find it a little irritating that Arthur apparently does not find five hundred stairs even vaguely discouraging.
“Ugh, I’d have to Skype you? Talking to you via mobile is vile enough as it is and now I’d have to see your face? I’m starting to wonder if I really do need this project grade,” Arthur said sarcastically as he made himself comfortable on his own bed.
Merlin scoffed in fake disbelief.
“Ouch, what a low blow,” Merlin said, his sarcasm so incessant it was basically daring Arthur to outdo him.
“Love, you haven’t felt my low blow,” Arthur said in an entirely uncalled for husky voice.
Involuntarily, his body shivered at that voice. Merlin sat there flabbergasted. He kept opening his mouth to say something back, say something witty but no sound came forth. Arthur grinned like a madman as he pressed a bag of ice to his eye.
Merlin is completely naked save for a pair of boxers with cartoon magnets on them. It sadly does nothing to keep Arthur from wanting to kiss him, which has been a recurring problem for a while now. Just how long isn’t something Arthur wants to examine too deeply.
Merlin sits down next to him with a sigh. Upon closer inspection Arthur can see the beginnings of a nasty sunburn unfolding bright pink across the bridge of his nose.
“You’d be way less miserable if you stopped clutching your pearls for a moment and dressed for the weather.”
“I’d be less miserable if I were in Alaska,” Arthur says, cataloguing the way sweat makes Merlin’s boxers stick to his thighs. “I can’t believe we’re out of ice. Oh wait- I can.”
“Stop being such a pissbaby.” Merlin kicks him.
Unfortunately, subtlety was certainly not one of Merlin’s strong suits. He tripped over a branch, stumbled on his cat, and ‘oofed’ when he hit the ground, rattling the bush he was trying to hide behind. “Fuck,” he murmured under his breath.
Arthur was up in an instant, knowing that Merlin had certainly hurt himself. “Merlin, you idiot. What are you doing?”
“I was trying to surprise you.” Merlin brushed the leaves off his clothes and straightened himself out to look at his… at Arthur. “Surprise!” Merlin raised his arms and grinned wildly.
The response from Arthur, though not ideal, was not a surprise. “Shit, Merlin, did you just do that?” But the blood was dry now, and Merlin knew Arthur wasn’t stupid. Besides, he couldn’t see himself lying anyway.
“No, I… don’t worry about it, I just kinda… “ Merlin looked into Arthur’s deeply worried blue eyes. “You should see the other guy,” he joked, but it fell flat on Arthur.
They’d done it hundreds of times. Arthur and the knights would hunt, Merlin would have to carry the weapons and most of the game, end of story.
End of story this time was rather sooner than expected when they’d managed to stir up some wolves, very nasty, territorial wolves that had attacked them and outnumbered them long enough to get a firm bite in at Arthur’s knee.
It cut the hunting trip by a week despite Arthur’s protests that his leg was only a minor inconvenience. He kept up the charade rather well for a couple days but finally, he caught his foot on a stray root and went for a tumble Merlin was infamous for making. When Merlin and the knights caught up to him, he was nearly cross-eyed and had almost bitten through his lip with the pain.