merce fair

anonymous asked:

I have to ask how the other mercs would fair as sex line oppers

Scout: MAKES FUCKING BANK! He can dirty talk his ass off and has zero shame! “OOOO yeah that’s fucking hot babe you want me to do all that shit to ya and what if I add my mouth to that party? OOH see that’s why your my favorite fuck that’s so fuckin dirty! Use me up babe!”

Engie: It’s very hard to get him going but once he does he is a filthy little shit “Hmmm just slowly drag them hands all over me sweet stuff while I get you ready to ride this big haus… better ready yourself I buck hard”

Spy: He get’s a big fan following “Oui…just like that. You make my head spin just hearing your voice. I wish to taste you and run my hands through your hair. I would take you in the pale moon light and I could careless who sees us…you make me feel drunk on you just…from ..your..voice..mmm”

Pyro: Sorry honey you’re fired no one can hear you but some of the super kinky clients like the breathing into the phone and little whines and moans but most people are scared of that.

Heavy: He tries. Dear god he tries but his nerves and english have failed him. “ I am huge man would make you cry my name. I am uh….hardness? ….No wait I don’t do that….it is not easy as giant…hello?” poor pootis.

Demo: He makes that accent work! He also moans into the phone the most “Mmm aye that is filthy ooo yeah harder….That’s it ooo make me work for it make me fight for breath…oooo fuck that’s good…I could lick ya and make ye keen for me hmmm …ah yeah…ahhh that’s nasty love more!” who knew Demo had some hoe in him.

Soldier: Accidentally good. “Hello…I like honey and I have covered my self in it…Well right now I am wearing pants but if you command me I shall remove them!…The pants are off feels kind of nice I was warm…Boxers….Black…I kept the boots on…No Can’t say I’ve done that…Should I? OOO tell me was it good!” Soldier might get fired for being naked during work hours.

Sniper: Too shy “I well umm…How about this love I start with what I’m wearing…khakis….Sure I could lose them…Boxer-briefs…no they aren’t too tight…they are green…Hot? not really kind of chilly….sure get on top of me that would be best to warm me up….Ummm…UMMMM OK! ….*blushing* Y-y-you do that uhhhh…..*Sniper is now stunned and the person is bored and leaves* bugger.” 

Medic: He has found his back up job. Feet kicked up on the desk he leans back in the chair “Ah yes Mein liebe I like those tight…mmm you know how to treat a man…Ahhh that’s going to make me finish too fast slow down I don’t want this to end yet…How about I get a taste? mmm I bet it’s sweet and I want more ooooo let me hear you sigh and moan for me …Scheiße, das macht mich heiß!! More bitte I need to hear you! …mmm Ja das ist erotisch mein liebe!”…Medic…The work day is over…Hello ?….MEDIC!? I SAID WORK IS OVER!

My Twitter feed will take just about any excuse to talk about Cassandra/Krem (I only associate with people who have good shipping opinions), and one night I was hashtag inspired by the krew’s thirst to write–just a little sketch. 

“A tried and valiant soldier.” 1300 words. It lasts less than two minutes. She backhands him across the face with her practice shield, and he wears the bruises all the way back to the Storm Coast.  It’s love at first fight, for Krem.


The fact of the matter is: what little intel they have on the Inquisition isn’t worth shit. They know the Conclave exploded, and that the Right and Left Hands of the Divine have gone rogue up in the mountains with an elf they’re claiming is the Herald of Andraste. Some Ambassador Montilyet (Krem’s been picturing a crusty old Antivan man) has put out a call for ‘companies of free soldiers’ to 'bolster the numbers of the faithful'—"Which means,“ the Bull says, with a snort, "they don’t have enough people for a real army yet, and need to hire some muscle real fast.”

“Good fights for a good cause,” says Krem. He smooths out the broadsheet the Inquisition’s messenger delivered. Hand-written. Good paper, fine ink.

The Bull looks unconvinced. “The sky’s shitting demons left and right, and you want to put us right in the middle of it?”

“Come on, chief,” Krem says, “we probably won’t even see that many demons.”

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