Sometimes even the calmest GMs snap.

Context: Walo, our aasimar cleric, has suggested diplomacy for every creature in this dungeon, including a griffon, three dust mephits, and a giant scorpion. She did this for the last dungeon too. Everyone was started to get pissed that she would use her first turn in every combat to try futile diplomacy rather than something useful.

Normally-stoic GM: Alright, now it’s Walo’s first turn. {He glares at the player playing Walo, a little ticked.}

Walo: Well, all the lamia did was hiss at us angrily, then we tried to kill it. {The GM’s face clearly says “Don’t you dare.”} Don’t you think we should try d-

GM, louder than anything he’s said in the last two sessions: SHE’S CHAOTIC EVIL, YOU IDIOT!

BTS: Jimin Fluff/angst


an-exotic-writer: The Chase | Aha Disneyland, Right | I’m Sorry, I’m Sorry I Love YouMutual Again | It’s A Threeway ft. Taehyung | Surprise Mother Fu- | Dream Of Me | Jimin, Park JiminThank You | Merry Christmas, Love | You, You, You | Home With You | Damn It Helium |

whisperedscenarios: Don’t Be Shy | Did You Know | 

exobtsimagination: First Date with Best Friend | Teaching Jimin English | Cooking for Jimin’s Parents | The Two Most Important People | Jimin as a Father | Morning Blues | Luck and Fate | Winter | Breathtaking |

btssmutandfluff: New Boyfriend | 

exoticarmy127: Blanket Kicks & Chocolate Sticks | Cuddle Urges | Just One Day With You | 

your-miss-right: Take Care of You | Lipstick Kisses | Bits and Pieces |

sugabub: Home Is Where the Heart Is |

helloblamebts: Popcorn |

causekpop: Fortuitous |

btssmutandfluff: New Boyfriend |

thesammtimes: Distractions | Mishap | Lush | Rescued | Only Exception | TIFU |

baebsaes: Change | Snapshots | Death Before Decaf | The Cupcake Affair | Dance | Faith and Forever | Magic in Memories | Fait Accompli | Force of Friction | Coffee Break | To Worship the Sun |

park-jimeme: Confession I Surprise Visit I Christmas Confession I

noir0neko:The Moment I Knew I Bonne Nuit I Plus One I

igot7bts-scenarios:Stuck | 

noonatrash: Just Call Me Baby |

keypea: Mephitic | Moirai | Confidant | Coz


jjungkooked: A Safe Place | 

exobtsimagination: It’s Okay ft. Suga | Savior | There, Here | Please… | A New Start |

noonatrash: Just

thesammtimes: Crash |

baebsaes: Tumult | Turbulence | Forage | Watch Me Go | This is How You Lose Her |

park-jimeme:La Vie en Rouge I

noir0neko:Wedding Dress I

jackoffjaeInsecurities |

an-exotic-writer: It’s Okay, It’s Okay

noonatrash: Just |

snydog17  asked:

Those are some good creatures, but I was hoping smaller sized creatures that one might find inside a pyramid (that is quite maze-like). Thanks!

Oh, interesting. Here are some of my suggestions:

-Hoard scarabs. They disguise as gold or silver coins, but are actually flesh-eating beetles. While they are from 3.5e, there’s an adaption of them to 5e here.

-Dust mephits. In giant swarms, dust mephits could be a threat to even a 5th level party, considering they can blind enemies and put them to sleep.

-Mummies. A classic, though they are surprisingly powerful with their Mummy Rot. A party with reliable fire damage can take them out more easily.

-Resized Phase Spiders. Just bump down their size to small (which changes their hp to 24) and bump down their bite’s initial damage to 1d4/1d6, and you’ll be good to go. You’ll need a small swarm of them to make them truly threatening, especially when small.

-Swarms of scorpions or poisonous snakes. Sure, a scorpion or snake seems like it would be easy enough to take care of, but this is a pyramid maze. There’s probably dozens of scorpions around.

Intimidation is key to Seduction

Context; Same party from ‘non-lethal arrow to the head’. We captured the Bandit leader, and the two other bandits we knocked out, and we currently have our halfling rogue trying to persuade the Half-Orc to cooperate because of their Lawful Good alignment. My half-elf Ranger and our Air Mephit Bard are just kind of watching to see where it goes. The rest of the party is off, talking to the Mayor.

DM: Alright, since Persuasion isn’t going to cut it.. Roll me a Nature check, to see how much you know about Orcs and Half-Orcs.

Robin: (the halfling rogue) Alright. [Rolls a NAT20]

Me: (OOC) Oh, god.

DM: …. Alright then. Well, you recall what you know about Orcs & Half-Orcs - and you recall fucking everything - and as you recall, Orcs and Half-Orcs respect shows of strength more than they would Persuasion.

Robin: Ok. Then, I take a hold of the bars, rattle them, and shout “Dance off, bro! You and me!” I also whisper over to Windy (the Bard) to play a song.

DM: Ok, Windy roll me a Performance check.

Windy: [Nat20]

Me: (OOC) This can’t be happening!

DM: ………… Alright then. Turns out, you know this song. You have played an Orc War-Song before. Now, Robin, roll me a performance check and an extra D6. Also, at this point, because of the ruckus, the other two bandits have woken up, just kind of stumbling over their words and saying “whu- what’s going on? Chief?”, and the Half-Orc replies with “The Halfling and I are having a dance-off!!”

Robin: [Rolls a Nat17 and a 5]

DM: Alright, not bad. The Bandit Leader doesn’t have performance, so let’s roll a Charisma check. [Rolls a 6] Well then. You just.. Yeah, you blow him away. He just kind of… sits down on his cot, in awe, mumbling “I’m with you until the end of my time”, and such. You know what, actually, let’s mark him down as scared and aroused.

Me: (OOC) [cackles] But does he pop a boner?

DM: Excellent question! Let’s roll a constitution check. [I can’t remember the exact number, but it was low]. Yes. Yes, he has.

Me: (OOC) Nice.

anonymous asked:

My party of adventurers is going to be going through a large abandoned temple taken over by an Earth Elemental that they will fight at the end of the "dungeon." They'll fight some dust mephits and gargoyles along the way, but that feels kind of boring. Half of the temple is built into a mountain and a small community, long abandoned as well, surrounds the temple. Help me Basalt, your my only hope.

That’s an interesting concept, and I think that it wouldn’t be boring if executed in a certain way. Rather than combat after combat, break it up with some traps and combats that aren’t just fights to the lowest hitpoints. 

For example, they enter a hallway of the temple. The walls are covered in air vents, and the stone ceiling is extremely high but creaks as if it will fall and entomb them. If the ceiling was bad, the floor is worse. Most of the tiles are shattered and missing, and the foundation is crumbling to reveal a thin chasm. As the players navigate the floor without trying to fall, gargoyles from pillars along the walls dive to lift players into the air and drop them, or shove them into the chasms. Blasting spells or shifting weight too recklessly could collapse parts of the floor or even the ceiling.

Elsewhere in the temple, a dried up fountain is filled with sand. It rotates to the side when pushed to reveal a staircase down, but doing this wakes up the mephits that had been hidden as sand in the fountain. Or perhaps a room’s floor is filled with quicksand that’s very difficult to cross. Mephits can easily hide in the floor itself. If one person can get to the other side and figure out a puzzle on a statue, the floor will resolidify and cause the mephits to solidify and become petrified. They’ll have to get across and work on the puzzle while under ambush, however, so other party members will have to cover them as they do it.

Anyways, those were just a couple of quick ideas. If you need any more, just send in another ask. Good luck!

Non-lethal arrow to the head

Context: This is my first DnD session, as well as for most of the other players, but there are a few experienced DnD players, including our DM. Our party consists of Two rogues (a halfling and a Shapeshifter), an Artificer (a drow), a Bard (an Air Mephit), a Cleric (another halfling) and a Ranger (me, a half-elf).
We are doing our first combat against a group of Bandits, the leader of which is a Half-Orc. Half-orc is on his last legs, and all other bandits have been knocked out (save for one, which i shot).
Also, we were playing on Roll20 due to living in different countries.

Me: Ok.. I’m gonna do non-lethal damage to big guy, it should knock him out. Hopefully.

DM: I’ll be kind and say yes, you can do non-lethal damage with your bow.

Me: Sweet. [rolls for hit, and ends up rolling two Nat20]

The entire party: [collectively LOSES THEIR SHIT]

DM: I– Uh, yeah, that’s just.. That hits. You draw your bow and aim, watching the Bandit Leader flail his scimitar around wildly, and as you fire the arrow hits his helmet so hard, it knock him out.

Me: [wheezing with laughter] Holy shit. First the mvp bird, and now this.

“Pretty Kitty”

Artwork by @cicisartandstuff

Inspired Fic by @theunforgettablemelody

     The school bell rang. Toralei awoke from her catnap, licking her paws and arching her back in her seat in a yawn. She could smell him a mile away, it was disgusting. But she couldn’t complain, she smelled almost as bad as he did, if not worse. Ever since they had clung to each other deep in the catacomb’s Pit of Eternal Stench, she could not get her mind off him. She was obsessed with Kieran Valentine’s evil potential and drawn to his power. Also, there was no one in the world who wanted to hang out with her now. Not with her smelling like the living dead and all … 

     As she opened her eyes, she was able to catch a glimpse of Kieran’s figure slipping out of the classroom and into the hall, his head hanging low. Time to stir up a little trouble, she smirked, purring loudly in excitement. She followed him out of school and into a back alley that stirred up memories of her own rotten past. But she could not stop herself from following him. Where is he going? she wondered as he went even further down the dank alleyway. She hugged the walls with her body, sneakily inching her way towards him. Suddenly, the walls became increasingly more familiar. Oh, my ghoul. We’re heading towards …

Keep reading

Heartless sterility, obliteration of all melody, all tonal charm, all music… This reveling in the destruction of all tonal essence, raging satanic fury in the orchestra, this demoniacal, lewd caterwauling, scandal-mongering, gun-toting music, with an orchestral accompaniment slapping you in the face… Hence, the secret fascination that makes it the darling of feeble-minded royalty…of the court monkeys covered with reptilian slime, and of the blasé hysterical female court parasites who need this galvanic stimulation by massive instrumental treatment to throw their pleasure-weary frog-legs into violent convulsion…the diabolical din of this pig-headed man, stuffed with brass and sawdust, inflated, in an insanely destructive self-aggrandizement, by Mephistopheles’ mephitic and most venomous hellish miasma, into Beelzebub’s Court Composer and General Director of Hell’s Music – Wagner!
—  J. L. Klein, 1871
Maybe not so budget heavy...

As DM, I have to provide extra pieces on a budget for my players to interact with on a mat. I used a Baby Jesus from a King cake to represent a Mephit, and 4 orcish archers.

Player: What’s that?

DM: It’s a tiny winged demon that is floating above the archers.

Player: Can I hit him melee? 

DM: Yeah, he’s conceivably in reach.

Player: Ok everybody, curb stomp the baby!

DM: … *facepalm*

Seduction Assist

Context; Same session as “Intimidation is key to Seduction”. This is an Overwatch-based session, and we have just met Zarya - a Goliath woman - who challenged us all to a spar. Now, my half-elf Ranger is a huge Lesbian Disaster™ and decides she wants to seduce the woman that could crush her with two fingers. Our Halfling Rogue, Halfling Cleric, and our Air Mephit Bard decide to help doing so.

Robin: (Rogue) I cover her eyes by jumping up her back!

Fenley: (Cleric) And I sweep her off her feet.

DM: Alright, Robin roll me Dexterity, and Fen roll me Athetics. (Robin rolled a 17, and Fenley a 15. Zarya failed her dex saving throw) Alright, she is toppling over and falling. You gonna go catch her, Adrie?

Adrie: (Me) Oh, definitely. I have a -2 on strength though, the only way this is gonna work is if I Nat20 it. [proceeds to roll a Nat20] Oh.

Windy: (Bard) [barely stifled laughter while the rest of the group hollers]

DM: [laughing] Alright, you just catch her in your big womanly arms, and she lands right in your lap. What now?

Me: (OOC) Honestly, I didn’t think I’d get this far. Help me out y'all. Help the twig hook up with the mountain of a woman.

Windy: Hm.. Oh! Pretend you’re hurt and that you have to go see Mercy.

Me: How– Oh, I get it. Perfect.

(Shenanigans happen, and Robin and Fenley have to roll persuasion rolls that I am simply too hurt to be treated by the - very capable - Cleric)

DM: Adrie, I’m gonna need you to roll me either a Deception or a Performance check to convince her.

Me: (OOC) Oh man.. I’m horrible at both! Well, here goes nothing. [rolls a Nat20 in Performance] Oh my god. The dice are with me!!

At that point, the entire party began laughing and hollering again.

DM: Alright, I think we can leave it at this point for this week. Since you’re all going out to drinks later in the session, maybe you can take her out to dinner then.

Me: [wheezing with laughter] Definitely.

Context: My adventurers had fought their way into the caves of a mountain, defeating a group of magma mephits (small elemental creatures).

DM: As they die, their molten form melting back into the rock of the cave walls, you sense the magic that brought them sentience is returned to the mountain.

Sorcerer: (OOC) How hot are the walls of the cave?

DM: Hot enough to burn flesh, but your dragon scales are tough. You are not harmed.

Sorcerer: I caress the wall.


Paladin: What exactly are you doing?

Sorcerer: There’s magic in these walls! It’s alive! *Shushes and coos at the cave walls* Hey, girl (guy?), how you doin?

DM: …Roll Charisma.

*Nat 20*

DM: (oh my god) Okay, the mountain rumbles in flirtatious approval. It really takes a liking to you.

Paladin: Congratulations, you seduced the mountain.

Guess he is a "jack of all trades"

So we are playing 5e home brew when the party was getting battered by some mephits

DM(me)- your paladin has just had her insides ripped out by one of these flying mud creatures. Bard, it’s your turn.

Bard - I cast healing word on the paladin (his girlfriend ooc)


Me - paladin, you are healed by the bard for 8 points

Paladin - *gasps for breath and comes to*

Sorcerer - great, you made her orgasm… Not at the table bard!

Bard - what can I say? I guess I’m a cunning linguist!