SIT THE FUCK DOWN BECAUSE I’M GONNA TELL YOU ABOUT DAVID ALLEYNE
Have you heard of him? Probably not, but I’m gonna give you fuckers a crash course on this sexy ass motherfucker real quick.
David was always pretty damn smart as a kid (like you probably when you were reading on a college level in elementary school or some shit), but when his mutation got kick started, HE GOT SMART AS HELL. AS IN HE WAS ABSORBING PEOPLE’S KNOWLEDGE RIGHT OUT OF THEIR FRIGGIN HEADS. HE GOT TO THE X INSTITUTE AND THEY GAVE HIM THE CODE NAME PRODIGY BECAUSE HE’S A FUCKING BAMF.
SO, instead of being all cocky and douchey like I’m pretty sure I would be if I had just become a human search engine, HE WANTS TO MAKE SURE THAT HIS KNOWLEDGE IS LEGIT AND BECOMES A GENIUS IN HIS OWN RIGHT.
Flash forward and he’s been a member of the The New X-Men, the New Mutants, AND THE FUCKING YOUNG AVENGERS. He even got depowered by the Scarlet Witch on M-Day and still managed to be a fucking bad ass because realized that he could keep all the knowledge that he had absorbed and has a fucking SUPER BRAIN like PROFESSOR X AND THE BEAST.
Oh yeah, did I forget? HE’S OPENLY BISEXUAL. THAT’S RIGHT. EAT YOUR HEART OUT, FOLKS, AN OPENLY BISEXUAL BLACK MUTANT (he did kiss Hulking, though, scandalous)!
IN CONCLUSION, if you want a sexy, smart, bisexual, genius mutant to follow in Marvel comics, LOOK NO FURTHER BECAUSE THIS GUY IS ALL YOU NEED.
The Bauman Encounter: The One Time Bigfoot Killed a Man
There have been very few reports of Bigfoot attacks on humans, but only once has someone reportedly been killed. The story comes from “The Wilderness Hunter” by Theodore Roosevelt which is a collection of stories from men living on the frontier. This particular story was told by an old trapper named Bauman who’s age had nearly gotten the best of him. He recounted the time he and his friend ventured into what is modern day Wisconsin or Montana to trap beaver.
Bauman was still a young man at the time, he had ventured out into the frontier with a friend to trap beaver. They didn’t manage to catch anything so they decided to head up to a pass which was said to have beaver. Stories told of wild murderous beasts up there but they paid no attention to them and headed there anyways. They made camp there and headed out to set some traps.
When they came back that night their camp had been ransacked by what they assumed was a bear, they would later discover by looking at at tracks that this was no bear. This creature walked on two feet. After rebuilding camp and getting some sleep, Bauman was awoken in the night by a beast looking at them through they’re lean-to. He grabbed his rifle and fired at the creature but missed. The creature ran off but the two trappers didn’t get any sleep the rest of the night. The following day they continued to trap and when the sun started to set they came back to their camp to find it ransacked yet again, the same culprit leaving it’s footprints in the dirt. That night they got extra wood to make a large fire and slept in shifts. The creature came back yet again but stayed on a hillside away from them and watched from a distance, seemingly afraid of the fire. It let out two loud moans during its time of observance but eventually left.
When morning came they decided to leave, but before they could they would have to collect their traps. They eventually split up as Bauman agreed to collect the rest of the traps while his friend went back to pack their bags. Bauman found the remaining three traps had each caught a beaver and spent hours collecting and preparing them. He headed back to camp as the sun fell behind the mountains, the valley felt dark and still. He came back to a smoldering fire with his friend’s lifeless body laying next to it. He had packed their bags and sat next to the fire to rest and wait for Bauman to return. At some point while he waited the creature had snuck up behind him biting and breaking his neck. Bauman took a short time to mourn his friend before leaving everything but his rifle behind and left the area as fast as he could.
Concept: In the Marvel universe, there’s a bunch of rabbis who come together to debate the validity of shit Magneto said/did. (I love the headcanon that Mags is largely unobservant and thus makes a whole lot of unhalchic pronouncements.) They’ve been having monthly meetings in the same community center for ages now (excepting the period where Magneto was turned into a baby), but the first time they actually meet Magneto is when he suddenly drops from the ceiling where he had apparently stuck himself to listen and flies off with one of the rabbis.
“I apologize,” he says to the poor person he kidnapped and is now levitating along, “I find your arguments the most compelling of those in your group and…it’s just that my grandson is going to be married and he doesn’t currently have a rabbi, can you believe that?”
Meanwhile, back at the community center where everyone is still gaping, the Scarlet Witch appears in a blaze of magic. “He really did it, didn’t he?” Wanda sighs. “I am so sorry.” She flies off too, yelling “Dad, no!” into the distance.