mens teddy

Concept: In the Marvel universe, there’s a bunch of rabbis who come together to debate the validity of shit Magneto said/did. (I love the headcanon that Mags is largely unobservant and thus makes a whole lot of unhalchic pronouncements.) They’ve been having monthly meetings in the same community center for ages now (excepting the period where Magneto was turned into a baby), but the first time they actually meet Magneto is when he suddenly drops from the ceiling where he had apparently stuck himself to listen and flies off with one of the rabbis.

“I apologize,” he says to the poor person he kidnapped and is now levitating along, “I find your arguments the most compelling of those in your group and…it’s just that my grandson is going to be married and he doesn’t currently have a rabbi, can you believe that?”

Meanwhile, back at the community center where everyone is still gaping, the Scarlet Witch appears in a blaze of magic. “He really did it, didn’t he?” Wanda sighs. “I am so sorry.” She flies off too, yelling “Dad, no!” into the distance.

SIT THE FUCK DOWN BECAUSE I’M GONNA TELL YOU ABOUT DAVID ALLEYNE


Have you heard of him? Probably not, but I’m gonna give you fuckers a crash course on this sexy ass motherfucker real quick.

David was always pretty damn smart as a kid (like you probably when you were reading on a college level in elementary school or some shit), but when his mutation got kick started, HE GOT SMART AS HELL. AS IN HE WAS ABSORBING PEOPLE’S KNOWLEDGE RIGHT OUT OF THEIR FRIGGIN HEADS. HE GOT TO THE X INSTITUTE AND THEY GAVE HIM THE CODE NAME PRODIGY BECAUSE HE’S A FUCKING BAMF.

SO, instead of being all cocky and douchey like I’m pretty sure I would be if I had just become a human search engine, HE WANTS TO MAKE SURE THAT HIS KNOWLEDGE IS LEGIT AND BECOMES A GENIUS IN HIS OWN RIGHT.

Flash forward and he’s been a member of the The New X-Men, the New Mutants, AND THE FUCKING YOUNG AVENGERS. He even got depowered by the Scarlet Witch on M-Day and still managed to be a fucking bad ass because realized that he could keep all the knowledge that he had absorbed and has a fucking SUPER BRAIN like PROFESSOR X AND THE BEAST.

Oh yeah, did I forget? HE’S OPENLY BISEXUAL. THAT’S RIGHT. EAT YOUR HEART OUT, FOLKS, AN OPENLY BISEXUAL BLACK MUTANT (he did kiss Hulking, though, scandalous)!

IN CONCLUSION, if you want a sexy, smart, bisexual, genius mutant to follow in Marvel comics, LOOK NO FURTHER BECAUSE THIS GUY IS ALL YOU NEED.

3

It was 1974, get over it already!

I hardly think there’s a statute of limitations on betrayal and disappointment, Erik

This is obviously crack because Wanda would never let her children ask their grandpas for advice. She wants them to succeed. 

The shits that Jonny Frost has to put up with though