One o’ me good mates, sent me an email recently with a rather chortle-worthy summary of the
HumanTerran plot of Starcraft I. Without further ado:
Raynor: Oh shit, nasty alien things with big teeth. Let’s put our faith in the supremely experienced commander who will save us (after I teach him how to build a command center, barracks and use the ‘repair’ button).
Zergling: Grrrrowl! Yummm!
Raynor: (shoots gun from his cool looking vulture bike)
Zergling: Gah! (dies)
Duke: Raynor. You’re a bad bad man. Why did you kill that cute little Zergling?
Raynor: It tried to eat me.
Duke: Well, tough. You should’ve asked me permission first because I’m the big boss of the Confedration and on one can take a shit unless I say so. Off to prison with you!
Raynor: Help! Get me outa here!
Mengsk: I’ll help! (opens the door) Hi. I’ve got this terrorist label but actually I’m a nice guy. The Confederation are the REAL baddies. Just to prove it, let me introduce you to my hot babe assistant. Remember, only good guys have hot babe assistants.
Kerrigan: Wha! you perv!
Raynor: Huh what? How did you you know that I was thinking about having hot monkey sex with you up against the side of my bike whilst wearing a ballerina’s tutu?
Mengsk: She’s a telepath.
Kerrigan: Well, yes. And you’re staring at my tits.
Duke: Erm… fellas? Sorry to bother you… my ship sorta crashed in the middle of all these Zerg and they want to eat me.
Raynor: Suck ass!
Mengsk: I’ll save you.
Mengsk: Well… Raynor will save you.
Raynow: WHAT!?!?! Oh… ok. (saves Duke)
Duke: Mengsk? YOU! I hate you with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. I teach children to eat the liver of your dogs. You are a blight on all humanity and the scourge of the universe. The Confederation will never rest until we destroy you entirely!
Mengsk: Join me!
Mengsk: Cool… Duke, what’s say you and I go kill all your former buddies in the Confederation.
Raynor: uh… what about the Zerg?
Mengsk: No no. Much more important to kill Confederates.
Raynor / Kerrigan: uh… why?
Mengsk: Just do as you’re told.
Tassadar: Hey guys. We Protoss honour, respect and revere all sentient life. Therefore, we’re going to incinerate your planet.
Mengsk: Oh shit. That means we don’t get to kill Confederates. Kerrigan, go kill the Protoss so that I can use this Psi-transmitter gadget to lure Zerg to kill Confederates.
Kerrigan / Raynor: Erm… is this making any sense?
Kerrigan: I must do as I’m told because I’m a hot babe assistant. Ok, off I go to kill Protoss and lure Zerg and plant this Psi thingy.
Zerg Overmind: Who’s the hot chick in the catsuit. She’d look even cooler with green blood. I”m going to infest her… this will be fun. (infests Kerrigan) (Then Zerg go on to kill all Confederates)
Mengsk: YAY! All the Confederates died!
Raynor: You suck Mengsk. You too Duke. I’m leaving and coming back in a later chapter filled with vengenace to whomp your sorry asses. I’ll probably fall in love with Kerrigan since I’m the obvious hero and she’s the obvious heroine, but she’s infested with Zerg blood now… but I’ll use love to reach into the depths of her heart and rescue her and turn her back to the light side.
Andrew, please finish the Zerg and Protoss campaigns soon; we’d love to hear more.