men who should be in my bed

IN MY DREAM LAST NIGHT MY ABUSER WAS WATCHING STAR WARS WITH MY NEW BOYFRIEND

who has been my new boyfriend
through two birthdays and the funeral,
but I like to call him that,
know too well the way men steel-plate
themselves inside my joints
until my body has to relearn running.

& he knows
a few parts of this story,
but I didn’t want that man’s name
back in my bed.

just told him,
picture yourself in a theater with your eyes closed,
your own palms pressed tightly to your ears.
on the drive home, 
he’ll describe each scene frame for frame,
talk about the previews, which one
the two of you should not-see-together next,
and you will feel lucky enough in that moment
you won’t notice the entire city of Portland starting to melt.

months later,
when he says it is your favorite movie,
you will nod and know it is
not worth arguing over.

(“are you trying
to tell me
you
weren’t
even
there?”)

you’ll tell yourself it’s true.
tell yourself
it’s the best movie
you’ve ever seen.

2

Negan doesn’t speak the whole ride back to The Sanctuary; when we arrive he lets me out, closes the door, and orders the nearest man to park the car.  He leaves without a word, without any acknowledgement, like I don’t exist.  Maybe I should be grateful, but I only feel useless.

I shut myself up in my room and lose myself in thoughts and memories.  I lose days thinking of my life since the fall of civilization.  I think of family, friends, neighbors, and all those I knew who never made it.  I wonder why I did.  What purpose do I serve in still existing? 

Men come in to remove Shirley’s things, bring them to her new life as Negan’s wife, and men come in to set up a space for Kaylee.  They set up a bed with pink sheets and they set up toys.  I hold Kaylee close as she cuddles a small dragon and cries herself to sleep over the loss of her mother.

I watch Kaylee adjust, get over her mother, and continue on as if nothing ever happened.  I envy it and I worry over it; a child in pain is hard to see, a child who doesn’t feel it is worse.  I want to get up and play with her, I want to leave the room and teach…I want to be able to do something, anything, but I remain in bed even as there’s an insistent knock at my door.  Even after the knocking stops and the door swings open.

“Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me right fuckin’ now?” His voice booms as he kicks the door shut.  “Jesus Fuckin’ Christ, this shit is fuckin’ pathetic.”

“Get out of my room!” I shoot up, pulling blankets around me as if they’re any kind of protection.

“It’s my fuckin’ room,” Negan chuckles out as his boots kick clothes and toys out of his way.  “And it’s a fuckin’ disaster!  Seriously, what the fuck?  Shirley told my ass you were one of those nit-picky fucks who needed shit clean.”

“Oh, so now you’re pumping Shirley for information on me?!”

“In more ways than one, darlin’,” he winks as he bends to pick up Kaylee’s dragon and place it on her pillow.  He straightens, stands over me, and puts hands on his hips with a disappointed sigh.  “One little fuckin’ test, which you fuckin’ passed, by the fuckin’ way, and you fuckin’ fold.”

“It wasn’t real!  I thought I was risking my life to protect this place, I was willing to die to do that for you, but it was all just a big fuckin’ set up!”

“I’m fuckin’ sorry you see it that way, I am, but…”  Negan crouches to face me, grins.  “We need to move the fuck on now so you’re gonna get your skinny ass outta bed, clean yourself up, and come with me.  I have a job for ya.  A real one.“

“I’m done being your plaything.”

“You’re not done until I say you’re done.”

“You can’t make me.”  I sound like a damned toddler and I know it, I just can’t help it.  I don’t want to deal with this, with him, or anything else.  I want to disappear with the world.

He grins more.  “I’ll fuckin’ throw your ass in the fuckin’ showers dressed.”

“I fucking dare you,” I glare.

A strong hand grabs my wrist, I twist and jerk, but it’s no use.  I’m airborne, stomach hitting his squared shoulder as hands shift to the back of my knees and hold me in place.  I attempt an arch, push at his back to straighten out and get him to drop me, but he only chuckles as he shifts me like a sack of sugar.

Fucking let me go!”  I kick, hit, wriggle, flail.  It’s pointless and I know it, but it doesn’t stop me.  “I’m done!  I’m done with you!  Let me the fuck go, you asshole!””

“Only thing you’re fuckin’ done with is this self-servin’, woe-is-fuckin’-me, depressive, bullshit.  Been a fuckin’ week, get the fuck over it.”

“I fucking hate you, Negan!”

“Yeah, well, join the fuckin’ club.”  He mutters out my real name as he carries me down the hall like an unruly child from a toy store.


So, generally, I don’t see Negan just manhandling a slightly depressed woman, but I think he feels she’s letting herself fall apart, that a gentle approach will only cause her to spiral into self-loathing more, and that she can take this tougher approach…also, Lorien dared him.  You should never dare Negan to do anything, lol!  (To clarify, he’s using, like, a lazy/disorganized fireman’s carry, haha!) The next piece will pick up where this left off. 😉

Tagging: @flames-bring-a-ton-of-ash, @strangersangel9, @dusty-cookie, @dwaynii @kthnxbyeeeee @cemmia @crzcorgi @negans-network @ericuhlorain @imfuckin-gcrazy @angelfuzzy2 @thewalkingdeadfanatic @browneyesandbadjokes @vizhi0n @smuttwd @superwholoki @stone-met @trashforwinchesters @scarygoodfanfics @negansfavoritegirl @toxic-ink @sillywiseone @wadeyourebarelyalive @jane-alca @despoinak27 @zoesmama2024 @cass-xxo @purplejellybean @deez666 @ericas-negan77  @blonde-orphan @absentguile @magpiegirl80 @andherlifeis @nracha @lynnliciousadnan  …I THINK I remembered/thought of everyone.  If anyone else wants on the tag list just lemme know.  I’ll also tag this for Negan’s Thirst Squad (because Negan’s a big part of this overall). 😄

(Bottom gif from @mypapawinchester. Top gif from Google.)

Previous Chapters: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5 , Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9,  Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 …Or go to the Masterlist, lol!

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Matriarchy Lyrics

我不会 耕田吃草 让人下注
I don’t plow, or eat grass; I won’t let you anchor me like stakes
什么理由发明什么叫马子
So why’s there a term like Mazi?*
(Mazi is a Chinese slang to call girlfriend, sorta like bitch/work-horse)
难道是想让匹马为你生个儿子
Don’t tell me all you need is a horse to bear your son
有没有兄弟聚会那些幌子
Party with your pal is a good cheating excuse
还可以煮好宵夜当做没事
You think I don’t know? Even though I look calm as I’m making a midnight snack
仔细想想你就会知道谁才是傻子
Think about it and we’ll see who is the fool

我笑得柔软 心却比铁还钢
I smile softly, yet my heart is tougher than steel
世界男人称王 女人却什么都扛
Men proclaim to be king in this world; but it’s women who shoulder the burden
不要再说要进厨房能出厅堂
Don’t say we must cook well in kitchen and look nice in public
不要再说 要会铺床又能着床
Don’t say we must make the bed and be good at sex
这个世界没有女人该怎么办
What if there are no woman in the world?
你想 你想
Think about it; you think about it

不要以为西装革履就是战袍
Don’t think suits and ties are the only armor
不要以为 浴帽围裙就是渺小
but that shower caps and aprons are insignificant
信以为真 连续剧里的那一套
do you think this is a period drama?
皇上 吉祥
‘Huangshang,jixiang.’ *
(This is a term when imperial concubines greet the emperor, meaning ‘Auspicious, Your Majesty.’)
简直可笑
Such ridiculousness!

我记得 你最喜欢 哪双袜子
I remember which socks are your favorites
朋友聚会 演戏 让你有面子
I play it cool at your friend’s party to save you face
难道我没有发现你目测谁的Size
Do you really think I didn’t catch you eyeballing boobs?
我记得女娲补天岳母刺字
I remember nvwa and yuemu*
( Famous women character in legends and history)
你只讲少说多做相夫教子
But you tell me to be quiet and be obedient
仔细算算 最值钱的 只是结婚戒指
Turns out the only thing you gave me that was worth anything was the price of the ring

我笑得柔软 心却比铁还钢
I smile softly, yet my heart is tougher than steel
世界男人称王 女人却什么都扛
Men proclaim to be king in this world; but it’s women who shoulder the burden
不要再说要进厨房能出厅堂
Don’t say we must cook well in kitchen and look nice in public
不要再说 要会铺床又能着床
Don’t say we must make the bed and play be good at sex
这个世界没有女人该怎么办
What if there is no woman in the world?
你想 你想
Think about it; you think about it
不要以为西装革履就是战袍
Don’t think suits and ties are the only armor
不要以为 浴帽围裙就是渺小
and that shower caps and aprons are insignificant
信以为真 连续剧里的那一套
you think this is a period drama?
皇上 吉祥
‘Huangshang,jixiang.’ * (‘Auspicious, Your Majesty.’)
简直可笑
Such ridiculousness!

你可以抱我重复爱我的台词
You can hold me and repeat the same staged words that you love me
我不相信你有放弃我的Guts
you don’t have the guts to let me go
我无所谓女人就该是这样子
I don’t care what you think women should be like
安静 该死
Shut up, fuck off
不要以为西装革履就是战袍
Don’t think suits and ties are the only armor
不要以为 浴帽围裙就是渺小
and that shower caps and aprons are insignificant
信以为真 连续剧里的那一套
you think this is a period drama?
皇上 吉祥
‘Huangshang,jixiang.’ *(‘Auspicious, Your Majesty.’)
简直荒唐 无聊
Such ridiculousness, pathetic
荒唐 无聊
Ridiculous, pathetic

Things you don’t get mad at because you made the choice the welcome them in your home knowing full well you would have to take of them:

  • Kitty litter all over the floor
  • Dog hair in the bed and couch
  • Children’s messes

Things you should get mad at because they are grown humans fully capable of taking care of themselves:

  • Men who don’t fucking clean up after themselves, oh my god, put the fucking seat down and put that cereal away and why can’t you wash your damn dishes when you’re done why do I have to take care of you I am not your mother holy fuck
Guinevere and Belle at the Bar
  • Guinevere: Men and their obsessions with their damn daggers!
  • Belle: Tell me about it. They’re out chasing power and meanwhile the bed is cold.
  • Guinevere: Exactly. Shouldn’t we be enough?
  • Belle: We totally should.
  • Guinevere: Who broke your heart?
  • Belle: My True Love-- Rumpelstiltskin. But we’re working on it.
  • Guinevere: Rumpelstiltskin? Isn’t he green and scaly?
  • Belle: He used to be. Still is, on special occasions. Regina gave us a potion in exchange for the whole '30 years in prison' thing.
  • Guinevere: I see. How does that . . . work?
  • Belle: *raises one eyebrow* Extremely well.
  • *clink*