sex, trauma tw, like if u read please, advice welcome <3
tonight at the thing i was at we were talking a lot about sex and hookups and stuff and it just made me think about how sex is largely not a happy thing for me. i mean it’s almost definitely due to trauma but. idk. i freak out about consent during and after, i sleep with anyone who wants to sleep with me, i seek out sex with men when im feeling bad about myself, i have sex with randos when im manic, i have panic attacks, i dissociate…..
and the worst thing is. im gay. and sex with girls freaks me out bc w/men it’s so easy. they dont give a shit about you. most of the time they just do what they want without asking you what you want or need. but with girls? there’s so much give and take, so much pressure, so much more CARING about them. i always get scared that im coming on too strong, that im doing something that makes them uncomfortable and im not like that with men
oh and also? ive had more sex w/men than w/non-men. and i had sex with most of those men after i realized im a lesbian.
idk what to do. i want to be able to have sex like a normal person and not always regret if afterwards. i want to stop doing that thing where i push people away once ive slept with them. i want to know that im not predatory.
i dont think im asexual, i just think im fucked up