-Turning around, I found myself face to face with an unnaturally large cat with a two foot-wide head. After a moment of reevaluation, I found myself face to face with a hyper-realistic cat purse. This did not ease my fight or flight response.
-A father and his son came through my lane in matching Batman outfits. While undeniably adorable, I do wonder if the child realizes he already has more than Bruce Wayne ever did.
-In regards to his purchase of a bland gift bag and white tissue paper, a man asked me, “Is this cute enough? For a girl?” Before I could get out a polite but definitively dissenting answer, he told me that it was good enough, and that he was now done shopping. I cannot imagine the woman who is lucky enough to deserve this level of thoughtfulness.
-I met either a young boy decked out head to toe in elf garb or an elf stopping by after a long shift at the workshop. The date is December 17th and, whichever it may be, they made my day much brighter.
-I was unfortunately forced to ring up a legitimate Nazi, complete with tattoos, long white dreadlocks, and Confederate flag badges. I almost considered saying something, but then I noticed the gun on his hip and decided that I was too hungry to die without another good meal.
-A woman purchased two boxes of Dark Magic. I was disappointed to find out that was merely the name of a coffee blend, and the store had not decided to start delivering what the people really want.
-I was asked to pull up a woman’s credit card and charge it using just her name. It was not even a Target card, so I am unsure as to how she expected me to accomplish this, but I know that as soon as we achieve this ability, several people will find themselves donors to the Get Tom A Pet Sloth Foundation.
-A pair of white men in black leather trench coats loitered around my register for far too long without so much as looking at an item. They each wore a fedora with the brim pulled down, showing only the scraggly remnants of a beard in the act of escaping to their necks from their faces. Never before in my life have I been so sure that I was going to get shot.
-I had the delight of seeing a young girl skipping around the store in a fuzzy Chewbacca onesie, the picture of comfort and style. This is truly where fashion meets function and I hope to see more of this movement in the future.
-A man in his thirties purchased a bottle of Hawaiian Punch and a copy of The Notebook at ten o'clock. He is in for a night I truly envy.
-Approaching the bathroom to blow my nose, I heard a series of beeps coming from inside. As I stepped through the door, I found that it was a man dialing his phone from inside the stall. He was then on the phone with who I believe was a doctor. I do not know the details of what happened in this stall or why it warranted calling his doctor so late at night, but I am grateful that it was not me this time.
Gotham on the Fritz (A DC Parody of Puttin' on the Ritz)
Have you seen the ne'er-to-do, locked up in ‘Ark Avenue’, On that famous thoroughfare, with some toxin in the air, High hats and Arrow collars, green spats and lots of dollars, Spending every dime, on a wonderful crime!
If you’re blue and you don’t know where to go to, Why don’t you go where chaos sits, Gotham on the fritz!
Femme fatales who wear a day coat, two-faced men, Or leather bound coats, perfect fits, Gotham on the fritz!
Dressed up like a winged flying sleuther, Trying hard to look like Ol’ Lex Luthor (super duper), Come let’s mix where Cobblepots walk with their sticks, Or umbrellas in their mitts. Gotham on the fritz!
Kitty cats all wear a diamond choker, Harley walking with the man who broke her (what a joker), You’ll declare it’s simply insane to be there, And cower as they battle wits, Gotham on the fritz!