memories of exboyfriends

i'll remember you on summer days, top down with the music blasting, my hair would be tangled in knots by the time we would get to our destination but you always said you thought it looked nice (now you’re with a girl who’s hair is always perfect and doesn’t let you  drive with the top down).

i’ll remember you on october nights, face timing you sitting outside my house just wishing i could be with you. that’s when i really started to realize just how hard it was gonna be if we ever had to say goodbye (and i was right)

i'll remember you on cold january mornings, when you would wake me up at 9am before your class to get breakfast. you’d always let me stay in bed while you made sure the car was warm enough before we got in. breakfast was usually filled with laughter. (now, i don’t even eat breakfast and i’m scared to go in case i run into you)

ill remember you on spring afternoons, basketball shorts and a white tshirt. you’d jokingly say how muscular you’d look and i’d respond back sarcastically, every time i’d make you laugh your eyes would light up and the sound of your laughter would fill the room. (and i know i could still do that if you’d just talk to me)

i don’t want to remember you as the boy that walked out on me without even looking back. i don’t want to remember you as the best friend that i lost. and i don’t want to remember you as the boy that i fought hard with, because before all, you were the boy that i loved hard with. (you were the first boy i really loved)

—  you will always have that place in my heart, but do i have yours?
I remember when I told my ex-boyfriend how many bodies I had, he told me I’m “lucky” he liked me so much because otherwise he would never be with me because of it. Meanwhile, he had 26 and didn’t think it was a problem.
I remember telling him how mostly all of my other boyfriends had cheated on me, and he said it was probably because I never spontaneously gave head.
I remember telling him how he was the cutest boy I had ever met, and he told me that he could do better and that I wasn’t normally his “type” but he was willing to give it a shot because he liked my tits.
I remember telling him how much he meant to me everyday and he said he blamed me for his two suicide attempts.
I remember telling him about how I liked that he went to the gym everyday and was into sports, and he told me he wished I worked out more because “it wouldn’t hurt anybody to loose a little weight.”
I remember everything about that relationship especially the feeling of his hands around my throat but dear god I fucking wish I could just forget.
The Last Attempt.

I look at your photograph

And I reach out to grab

The memories that last.

Days when we used to lay

In bed all day–

My soul now, unrest.

The mere thought of you

Causes me to choke on my own heart,

I lose myself in the rhythm of my hungry veins

But only at the start.

Suddenly I’m at a loss for air,

Desperate for you– I only dare.

No longer near, and far out of reach

For you, I feverishly beseech.

Answer my request–

Lay me to rest.