memories kill me

  • Me: did I take my meds today?
  • *counts pills in bottle*
  • Me: okay I didn't take it yet, I'll take it now
  • Me, literally 5 fucking seconds later: did I take my meds today?
Recommended Reads of 2016

(in which I realize how horrible I am at describing books)

As 2016 draws to a close, I decided to make a list of ten of my favorite books I read this year (not necessarily books published in 2016 though).  I hope you all appreciate this, and I’d love to know what books you loved this year as well!

In no particular order:

1. The Start of Me and You by Emery Lord: This was one of the first books I read this year, and it was so adorable I just had to put it on this list.  It’s about a girl whose first and only boyfriend died, so she is now living her life with a lot more caution.  Basically, it just chronicles how she copes with this and lives her life (I’m so sorry that was a horrible synopsis haha).   By no means was the writing beautiful, and there were plenty of cringe-worthy moments, but it was just a nice and (mostly) fluffy read.  All the references to literature (specifically to Pride and Prejudice) made my nerdy heart happy.  Also, I am such a sucker for a cute nerdy guy (both in books and real life, haha–honestly, if you know of a good book with this kind of guy, let me know) so I understandably loved Max.

2. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen: The Start of Me and You was actually what convinced me to finally read this classic, and boy am I glad I did!!! Honestly, I’m so obsessed with this story (which I don’t think I need to summarize).  Like, this obsession is unhealthy.  I’ve only read the book once, but I’ve watched the miniseries like three times this year and the movie (from 2005, obviously) probably (and I am not even kidding) 20 or 30 times this year.  Keira Knightley and Matthew MacFadyen (if you’re as in love with him as I am, you HAVE to listen to him reading some of Pride and Prejudice – I want him to narrate my life omg) are literally my faves fajkldjgaoi I AM OBSESSED AAH.  But I digress, because this is about books.  Basically I love it.

3. First & Then by Emma Mills: Okay so this is a modern retelling of Pride and Prejudice (are you noticing a theme?? – I could literally read/watch nothing but P&P adaptations for the rest of my life and be perfectly content).  As the blurb on Goodreads said, it’s like Pride and Prejudice meets Friday Night Lights.  Basically, it follows this girl named Devon and the football star, Ezra.  I’m so obsessed that I completely ignored my complete and utter abomination for all sports in order to enjoy the P&P aspect and it was so cute I finished it in less than a day.  

4. Winter by Marissa Meyer: I loved the entire Lunar Chronicles series, but this one was my favorite.  Basically, the series is a sort of sci-fi/dystopian fairy tale retelling with cyborgs and space travel and I really enjoyed it .  Also, the cover??? Amazing.

5. Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury: This is a well-known classic, so I’ll spare you the details, but it was just so good (and it’s nice and short if that’s something that interests you) and so scarily accurate for a dystopian novel.

6. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee: Again, a well-known classic about racism and basic human morality in a southern town during the Great Depression.  I have nothing to say that you haven’t heard before, so I’ll just say: it was absolutely wonderful.

7. Paperweight by Meg Haston: I want to preface this by saying it heavily discusses eating disorders, so that is something to be mindful of. It was such a raw and captivating story and I felt it handled the topic well.  I really felt for the characters.  The story was sad and disheartening (an intrinsic quality when it comes to mental illness) but I just felt Haston did a really amazing job with it.

8. Everything, Everything by Nicola Yoon: This book is about a girl with an illness so severe she can’t leave her own home.  It follows her life as she becomes interested in her new neighbor (I am blowing myself away with my horrible synopses hahaha - if you really want to know, click the book titles to go to their respective Goodreads pages).  It was a really interesting story that I flew right through.

9. The Sun is Also a Star by Nicola Yoon: I know I’ve mentioned this one before, but I’ll do it again.  It’s about a Jamaican girl whose family is about to be deported and a Korean boy who doesn’t want to follow the plan his parents have set out for them.  They spend a day together in New York City and it’s pretty great.  I loved the little in-between perspectives we got and the blend of science and romance/fate/destiny kind of stuff.  I loved it!!

10. The Memory of Light by Francisco X. Stork: This is another book about mental illness – specifically depression, suicidal thoughts, and schizophrenia.  It’s about a girl who, after attempting suicide, gets to know three other kids with problems like hers.  It didn’t romanticize mental illness or sugarcoat anything, and it made me cry (and I don’t cry often at books) but it was a really captivating story.  

There you have it, folks! My top ten from 2016.  I sincerely wish you all a wonderful 2017 filled with happiness, love, and new memories!!! I love you all! 

walker-of-yggdrasil  asked:

Angs prompt idea :) : Kylo turn back to the light and become Ben Solo again and Hux expect to stay with him in sake of their love (maybe he want to redeem himself too ?) Except that Ben is now disgusted by him/ forgot totally about him and only see him as a fanatic terrorist (I'm sorry :D)

“Ren?”

Hux can’t help but stand from the bench in his cell and leap towards the door when he sees Kylo suddenly standing on the other side, finally come to his lover’s rescue. Hux has been imprisoned by these barbaric bounty hunters for weeks now, spending every second of his time in captivity wishing to see his brave and beautiful knight on the other side of the door.

But as Hux stares at Kylo through the reinforced glass, he doesn’t feel the sense of elation he thought he would.

Kylo looks…different. Instead of his infamous black robes, he’s wearing a pair of navy slacks, a white shirt and a black vest. Even his hair; the luscious locks of dark hair that Hux hated to love is tied back into a messy bun at the nape of his neck, hidden as though forbidding Hux from running his fingers through it like he’s missed doing.

Kylo’s dark eyes are filled with light, a sparkle that looks like hope and no sign of any sort of darkness that Kylo’s soul is supposed to be filled with. Hux swallows hard but regardless, as soon as Kylo has opened the door to his cell, Hux’s arms are around his neck in the strongest hug he’s ever given. Having his lover come to his rescue is almost enough to send Hux into tears but he holds them back, burying his face in Kylo’s shoulder.

Only when Hux’s mind has quietened does he realise that Kylo has remained abnormally still.

“Ren?” Hux whispers, frowning. “Why won’t you hold me?”

As Hux’s wishes, Kylo’s hands find themselves on his waist and, for a moment, the galaxy is right.

But even the burn of a sun’s supernova wouldn’t be as painful as feeling Kylo’s hands push him away. Hux stumbles back with a startled gasp, eyes wide with fear.

“Ren?” Hux doesn’t understand. The man in front of him looks like his Kylo but everything about his movements and expressions is screaming at Hux to back away from him.

The imposter flexes his fingers, and Hux can’t help but glance to the lightsaber hanging from his belt and then to the blaster in the holster on his opposite hip.

Kylo despises blasters.

“That’s not my name,” Kylo says, and Hux feels his stomach drop. “My name is Ben. Solo.”

“No,” Hux gasps, shaking his head. “Your name is Kylo Ren. Master of the Knights of Ren and heir to the Dark Side. Ben Solo is dead. You told me so yourself!”

Hux recalls the countless times that Kylo has recited stories from his childhood to him, telling him tales of a young boy called Ben who felt unloved and lost, a boy who was sacrificed in order for Kylo Ren to be born.

Hux shivers, feeling as though he’s staring down a ghost.

“The Resistance has bartered with your captors for your release, General,” Ben says, pulling a pair of thick binders off his belt. “And I’m here to arrest you.”

Hux opens his mouth to speak but a broken heave for air comes out instead, and he wonders whether the sound is his soul shattering into a thousand shards, piercing his heart, threatening to render him to his knees and beg for someone to wake him from this nightmare.

“It’d be best if you remained calm, Starkiller,” Ben sneers, spitting out the nickname that he’d whispered to Hux whilst kissing over his freckles, comparing them to stardust. “The Resistance are going to make you answer for your crimes against the galaxy. And snakes like you don’t deserve mercy.”

Ren, for stars sake! Snap out of it!” Hux cries, backhanding Ben across the face, whipping some hairs out of his bun. He hangs his head, hair obscuring his eyes. “They’ve done something to you! Manipulated you! It’s me, it’s your ‘Tidge, don’t do this. Please.”

Ben brings his communicator up to his lips, face still hidden to Hux’s eyes.

“This is Captain Solo. The prisoner is refusing to cooperate. I’m in need of back-up. Bring extra binders,” he says, and Hux flinches.

Yes, Captain. We’re on our way,” comes the static-y reply before Ben drops the comlink to the ground and stands up.

Hux’s breath is suddenly ripped away from him, an invisible hand curling around his throat as he’s pushed back to the wall, back hitting it with force to the point where he feels winded. Gasping, eyes wide, Hux clutches at his throat, terror swelling in every nerve when he looks up and sees the man he would give his final breath for attempting to steal it from him. Ben’s hand is outstretched, lip curled in a scowl, and Hux believes that his once-beautiful knight is going to kill him.

“K-Kylo…” Hux whispers, voice breaking, eyes slowly closing. “M-my moon and my s-stars.”

Ben falters for a moment, gasping as though in pain as he drops Hux from his Force-hold, and Hux can’t find the strength in his legs to hold himself up so collapses to the ground in a weakened heap, breathing ragged and broken. Tears stream down his cheeks, from the lack of air or from being completely heartbroken, Hux isn’t sure.

Either way, he doesn’t expect to look up and see Ben on his knees in front of him, eyes wide, dark and lost.

Ben cocks his head to the side as though a confused animal, eyebrows drawn together in a saddened frown, and Hux loses the remainder of his strength.

He lurches forwards, taking Ben’s plush lips up in a fervent and longing kiss, fill with desperation, a silent and absolute plea for Hux’s Ren to come back home.

“It’s me,” Hux whispers. “Ren. Wake up. This isn’t you.

Ben blinks hard, shaking his head, mouth falling open as though to finally say something

“Captain Solo!”

Hux flinches back when Ben stands up so abruptly, turning to face the gaggle of Resistance fighters who stand in the doorway, blasters trained on Hux.

“Cuff him,” one of the men says. “Get him back on the ship and lock him in the brig. Scum.”

Hux stares up at Ben, wanting to whisper his name but finds that it won’t come; he doesn’t believe Ben is the name of the man in front of him. They’d kissed—and Ben had kissed him back.

He doesn’t take note of the binders being snapped around his wrists, he doesn’t growl when he’s hauled to his feet, but he whimpers when he’s dragged past Ben and out of his cell, looking back over his shoulder at the lost boy standing alone.

Ben Solo is dead,’ Hux thinks, closing his eyes in some sort of relief. ‘Kylo Ren is alive. He’s alive.’


As he watches the Starkiller be dragged away, Ben reaches up and touches his lips, feeling as though a spark is nestled upon them, sending shivers down his spine, recalling how the General’s kiss had made him feel.

It felt familiar, it felt warm.

And it felt like home, like rushing in to your lover’s arms after a long time away, like falling into bed and sleeping next to each other, like existing with someone inside a bubble and not caring what the rest of the galaxy is doing because this is home.

But Ben pushes his hand against his throbbing temple. This couldn’t be: this is the first time he’s even met General Armitage Hux. That’s what his mother and uncle have told him.

And his family wouldn’t lie….would they?

Don’t you hate when you’re trying to find fanfiction to quench your thirst for angst but all your ships are rarepairs and there’s five fics, tops, that AO3 tries to give you? Because I do

You’ve tainted every memory I have.
No matter what I remember - I remember you.
It doesn’t matter how far back I go - you’re there.
Years before I met you, even childhood memories - I remember you. Not because you were there at the time - but because they’re memories I’ve shared with you, or they’re memories that remind me of a feeling you once gave me.
There is no part of me you haven’t touched.
Every place I go I think of you - even the places I’ve never been to with you, because at some point I’ve been there and I’ve thought of you.

You’re everywhere ….. and it’s killing me.
You’re in my head.
You’re in my heart.

And I can’t get you out.
—  Ranata Suzuki