memories blur into dreams

4

Rogue One + songs that make me cry // Sleepsong by Bastille

All you want is someone onto whom you can cling
Your mother warned of strangers and the dangers they may bring
Your dreams and memories are blurring into one
The scenes which hold the waking world slowly come undone

(a billion years ago @life-has-an-hopeful-undertone asked me if I was gonna do some Rogue One song edits. Of course I am. Here’s the first one.)

Your face is a blur
in memories, in dreams

I can’t tell if your voice
is something my brain conjures up
so that I can fall asleep at night

I don’t know if I feel you holding me
some way, somehow
from where you are now

or if I merely squeeze myself so tight,
I can believe I am not alone

I don’t know

but sometimes, I get scared
that my mind will bury you
as you truly are

and all I’ll be left with
is a bunch of imaginary figments
trying to soothe my aching heart

—  18 years with you was not enough (For Mom)

There are some questions I’ve been asking to myself that doesn’t have any answers yet. Few of them were still stocked in my mind, but most of them were already forgotten. Like a dream I have during the night but I haven’t had a chance to remember every time I woke up in the morning. I want you to be a part of those few questions. I want not only my heart but also my mind to reminisce every single detail of you. Yet what I want is different from what I need. Like what my parents used to tell me, I can’t have everything I want, that I must be thankful to have the things that I need. And I need to forget about you, because I don’t know how to love you without hurting myself. That’s why I have chosen not to consider you to be a part of those few stocked memories. You are now a distant memory, a blurred dream that I can’t remember. A question that I don’t want to know the answer anymore.

But the few remnants that you left at the back of my mind is enough for me to pause at the middle of my new path. The pictures of us that I burried at the deepest part of my mind—they were worth keeping. Those were the best parts of my existence; and who, in this undivided human race will ever choose to obliterate such happiness? Who, in this self-centered world will ever choose to lose an almost extinct selfless love even if it already faded? Who am I to lose the most precious memory I had, just for the sake of forgetting? And so I kept on sailing at the middle. I did not go on both ends of the extremities—forgetting and remembering. Because I am stuck between the fear to start again, and with the slightest hope to continue what I once had.

—  horizon (a collaboration of @vomitingwords & @lovely-flakes )