BTS: After giving two years worth of paychecks to Namjoon, Taehyung gets a slot on Cypher pt.14. It becomes their lowest selling single, but BTS doesn’t notice as they are too busy trying to cover up the fact that Suga’s soul departed 8 years ago and they’ve been using his corpse as a puppet to still milk Army dry.
Exo: Kyungsoo quit to become an actor after getting tired of grinding canes. Suho left to go “find himself” in the Bahamas, and Baekhyun currently leads the remaining members as they perform the Chinese version of “Wolf” at Norwegian birthday parties for pay.
Got7: Currently only has 6 members. BamBam was kicked out in 2017 after pulling down his pants and playing “helicopter” at a fan meet. Currently tours with Jay Park while Got6 has 23 reality shows and 14 movies under their belts.
NCT: Johnny resigns to become a DJ after debuting only once. Haechan is jailed after it was discovered he had been slowly poisoning Mark for years. WinWin tries to leave SM, but is offered a solo career under Yixing’s company. Cracks immediately under the pressure of singing more than 2 words.
Day6: After pleading with JYP for years, finally get to have all of their social media accounts back. Jae immediately begins posting pics of Chihuahuas in taco costumes while Sungjin and Young K start a new petition to stop including the word “day” in all of their album titles.
Infinite: Sunggyu never came back from the war. Woohyun is pretty sure he’s actually just hiding in the basement. The fairies came to reclaim Sungjong to their magical kingdom, and Dongwoo asked them to give him a ride to Africa on their way.
Big Bang: Somehow GD has 5 kids by 6 different women. Taeyang opened a gym. Top moved into a museum. Seungri is a happily married soccer dad, and Daesung disappeared in Japan with 3 geishas and a bottle of soju 4 years ago.
Super Junior: Henry and Kyuhyun perform at Karaoke Taco Tuesdays every week, while Leeteuk and Siwon try to get everyone to come together for one last concert that Heechul refuses to attend, because that’s his dogs special grooming day.
Block B: Will leave Seven Seasons and start their own company with Zico as CEO. P.O. has been revealed to have had a secret wife and child in Brazil for the last 8 years and Taeil will have to resort to tattooing his eyeballs from lack of skin space.
Vixx: 4 of the members married fans while Hyuk and Hongbin enjoy the crazy bachelor life. Still continues to do deep concepts and just wrapped up their video where they portray vulnerable, voodoo veterans from Vermont.
Monsta X: banned from Korea after performing naked in hopes of a number 1. Comes back with cute concept through Youtube and gets an all kill. not allowed in Korea to accept award. Award goes to Seventeen instead.
Ikon: hasn’t made a comeback in 9 years. Everyone has had 4 solo projects. Bobby and B.I. moved into Seungri’s abandoned man cave and are refusing to come out until they get a clothing line and matching miniature poodles.
Astro: After a dramatic image change after all becoming adults, Rocky is now modeling for Calvin Klein, Sanha has his own line of hair products, and they all just released a sensual love album called “Baby Let Me Rocket All Night”.
Seventeen: After teasing Carats for 10 years, finally does a dark concept but 11 of the 13 members are in the military so it’s just Jun and Minghao tap dancing in leather jackets while whistling “Mansae” in a warehouse.
B.A.P: Jongup and Yongguk and Himchan promoting together as a hip-hop group called BangHimUp, while Daehyun and Youngjae make a living off of soundtrack singles. All decide on a whim to dye their hair straight blonde again and all of Zelo’s falls out in the first 5 minutes.
Knk: First male group to be the spokesperson for a stiletto company. Has 3 albums devoted to the best of their ballads. No longer allowed on ASC ever since the “incident” and Seungjun and Jihun being forced to live in separate cities after the rumors become far too great.
SHINee: Everyone has split up for their own solo careers, but still come together for dinner every night. Minho is currently homeless after betting his house in an intense Monopoly battle with Key. Planning a reunion tour where the truth will finally be revealed about Jongtae.
Up10tion: Rebel after their 53rd comeback in 10 years. Tie Andy up and hold him for ransom until he agrees to let them rest and never perm their poor hair again.
Romeo: Decided to change their name to something that would bring them up on Google. Now debuting as “Hamlet” they continue to do cute concepts even though they’re almost over the hill and have mortgages and light bills.
24K: Has found global fame after creating the world’s first rational storyline….realizes most of the fame came because everyone was googling Bruno Mars. Accepts fame anyway.
Winner: Reunites again with Namtae. Quits YG after leaving a steaming pile of dog poop on his desk. Produces music that heals and restores all of our broken souls.