“Robyn are you ok?” Mel asked me as I came from the bathroom.
“Yea I’m fine sis, why you ask?”
“You look fatigued and weak, and I’ve only been here for about 30 minutes but you’ve been to the bathroom three times already. Two of those times to throw up and don’t say you weren’t, because I heard you. Maybe we shouldn’t go shopping.”
“No we can still go. I’m just coming down with something; you know it’s that time of year but I’m fine now. You ready to go?”
“Yea let’s go.” She said in an apprehensive tone walking out the front door, and I followed behind.
Our ride to the mall was silent because I felt like if I opened my mouth to talk I would puke; I don’t know what’s wrong with me. We arrived to our destination and when I got out of the car I instantly became dizzy. I held onto the car door and took a breath. I gained my composure but I still felt light headed. Maybe it’s because I haven’t eaten all day.
“Mel when we go in let’s go to the food court I’m hungry.”
“I’m a little hungry too so ok.”
We went inside and decided to get pizza. We ate our food and I felt somewhat better.
“Sis I need to go into MAC first. I have to get some more lipstick.” I said.
“Just meet me in Michael Kors when you’re done.” She said and went on her way.
I went in and purchased my usual along with some other things. On my way into MK to find Mel my phone rang and I answered.
“Hey baby.” I said.
“Hey babe what are you doing?”
“Out shopping with Melissa, what are you doing?”
“Nothing, sitting at my desk missing you.”
“Aww I miss you too; are you still coming over tonight?”
“Yea I’ll be there around 8:30 or 9.”
“Hold on one second.” I told him.
“What did you buy, let me see.” I said and she pulled a purse out of the bag.
“Oh I love that!!!”
“Tell Mel I said hi.” He said.
“Mel, Chris said hi.”
“Hey Chris, you need to come get your girl. She’s sick.” She yelled into the phone.
“What!?!? Robyn what’s wrong?” he said concerned and I gave Mel a death glare. She shrugged and mouthed “You are…”
“Baby trust me I’m ok.”
“No she’s not, she’s lying.” Mel said and I told her to shut up as I covered the phone so he wouldn’t hear.
“Listen Chris would I be out shopping if I was sick?”
“Yea you would be.” He said and I rolled my eyes. He’s right though.
“Believe me I’m fine, don’t worry honey.”
“Alright well I have to go but I’ll see you later. I love you.”
“I love you too.” I said and we hung up.
We entered Bath & Body Works but as soon as the aroma from the different scents hit my nose I almost instantly became nauseated.
“Mel let’s go in Chanel instead I don’t want anything in here.” I said and she nodded.
We walked into one of my favorite stores and began looking around. I suddenly felt something trying to come up so I ran full speed out of there.
“Robyn…Robs…!” Mel yelled running after me but I didn’t stop. I had to make it to a toilet. I reached the restroom just in time. I burst into a stall and began vomiting. After I was done I slid down the stall wall; I felt so weak.
“Oh my God Robyn.” Mel said bending down and putting a bottled water against my lips to drink. I rose up and put my head back into the toilet puking again while Mel held my hair. She helped me off the floor and I went to the sink to rinse my mouth out.
“We’re leaving.” She said and we walked to the car.
“Robyn when was the last time you had your period?” She asked keeping her eyes on the road.
“I’ve had one.” I said trying to think.
“I asked when though?”
“About 2 months ago.” I answered.
“I think you might be pregnant.”
“What? No I can’t be that’s impossible.”
“Do you and Chris use condoms?”
“Are you on birth control?”
“No.” I said lowly. I’m becoming scared now, I can’t be pregnant.
“Well then it’s possible and we’re getting you a test right now.” She stated pulling into Walgreens’ parking lot.
“Come on.” I walked into the store feeling uneasy.
“What test should I get, there’s so many.” I said. I’m overwhelmed by all the different tests. I need the most accurate one they got.
“Here get the Clearblue Digital; the one that says pregnant or not pregnant, because we don’t have time to be reading lines and the extra shit. It says America’s #1 digital pregnancy test so this is the one you need.” Mel said handing me the box.
“Umm I think I’ll take two boxes of that one and two boxes of the First Response one just in case.”
“Aight I’m going to the car sis.”
“Ok” I went to the counter and paid for the items.
“Congratulations young lady.” The cashier said to me, she was a much older woman.
“I’m sorry I don’t understand, congratulations on what mam?” I stated confusingly.
“I’m a mother of 6 and I know a pregnant woman’s glow so congrats. Children are a blessing.”
“Oh umm thanks…” I said grabbing my bag. I went to the car and we drove back to my place.
“Go in the bathroom and take the test; I’ll be in the living room waiting if you need me.”
I went into the bathroom and handled my business. Please say not pregnant. I nervously stared as the countdown started and when the results appeared I almost fainted.
“Are you ok in there?” Mel said peeking in and I was crying my eyes out.
“What did the test say?” I held one up and she read it out loud. Hearing her say it made me cry more. It seemed like hearing it from someone else made it more realistic than reading it myself.
“Oh Robyn it’s going to be ok just breathe and take another to make sure.”
“There’s no more to take because I took them all, and they said the same thing.” She hugged me tightly and I cried until it seemed like I ran out of tears, because nothing else was coming out.
“Get up I’ll make you some tea and we’ll talk about it.” I got up and went to my bedroom, and laid down.
I sipped on my hot tea and prayed it would relieve me from my agony.
“So what are you going to do?”
“There’s really only one option Mel.”
“To keep it right?” she stated and I said no.
“Wait what do you mean no? Robyn you can’t terminate this pregnancy.”
“What am I supposed to do then? It’s not the right time for me to have a baby with Chris. He’s married and has kids already. Our relationship is too chaotic already and to add a baby into mix will make things worse.”
“I don’t care Robyn, it’s not right. You’re an adult and you know better so if you didn’t want to get pregnant then you should have made sure you and Chris were more careful. Don’t do this Robyn.” She pleaded.
“Mel I don’t know what else to do.”
“Talk to Chris and y’all make a decision together.” I shook my head at the suggestion.
“You have to tell him. He’s the father and he has the right to know. Keeping this from him is not fair. If you do something like that without telling him and he finds out he’s going to be pissed, and truthfully he would have every right to be. You think he won’t be there for you or the baby is that it, because if so then that’s stupid. He may be married but that man loves you and he would do anything for you and you know that. I’m sure he would be thrilled that you’re having his child.” She said.
Everything she said was true but I can’t tell him, because he wouldn’t let me do what have to do. I know this is wrong and just thinking about it is killing me, but it feels like the only option I have at this point.
“Robyn please promise me you’ll talk to him and y’all will come up with a better decision than the one you just told me.”
“I can’t Mel…” I said watching my tears fall on my hands and she sighed hugging me until I eventually cried myself to sleep.
“Robyn baby wake up.” my eyes fluttered open seeing my love looking at me.
“Hey baby.” I said sitting up in bed and rubbing my eyes. He kissed my lips and I wrapped my arms around his neck. I pulled back and hugged him as if I hadn’t seen him in years. I’m so scared right now and he has no idea.
“Are you feeling ok?” I asked as I ran my hands through her hair and on her face. She looked pale so I knew something was definitely wrong.
“Yea, I’ve just been working a lot lately, so I’m tired.” She said loosening my tie.
“You sure that’s it because you don’t look so well.”
“Wow thank you for the compliment.” She said in a sarcastic tone.
“You know I didn’t mean it like that; you’re always beautiful.”
“Hmm I know…” she said.
“Can you get me some aspirin babe? I have a headache.”
“Yea I’ll get you some.” I said getting up.
I went to get the aspirin out of the medicine cabinet and got her a glass of water.
“Here you go babe.” I said handing her the pills and she took them and gulped down the water.
“Thank you…” She said to me as she laid back down.
I proceeded to take off my shoes, shirt, and pants so I was only in my boxers. I went on the other side of the bed and got in. She cuddled up to me and turned on the TV.
“Are you spending the night?”
“If you want me to I will.”
“Well then I am.” I said kissing the top of her head and then her lips.
Our kiss shortly turned into a make out session. I got on top of her and removed her shirt.
“Not tonight Christopher.” She said softly.
“Because I don’t feel like it, now move.” She said pushing at my chest and I got off of her.
She turned her body to face the other direction and I heard her crying lowly. I grabbed her and pulled her closer to me.
“Robyn what’s wrong?”
“So you’re crying for nothing?” I said and she didn’t reply.
“Fine if you’re not going to tell me then cool. I’m damn sure not about to beg you to.”
“Just because I don’t want to have sex you’re catching an attitude.”
“What the hell are you talking about? All I’m trying to do is figure out why my girl is laying here crying.”
“Go home to your wife Christopher and leave me alone.”
“Less than five minutes ago you wanted me here now you want me to leave. Whatever man I don’t have time for these mood swings and shit so I’m leaving.”
I got up to put my stuff back on, because Robyn is really starting to piss me off. I don’t know what’s wrong with her.
“Wait, please don’t go…” She said as I began to walk out of her room. This woman is going to drive me crazy. I’m about to be taking the aspirins next.
“Robs what is going on?” I said sitting in front of her.
Without uttering a word she buried her head in my chest and I wrapped my arms around her. My shirt was soaked with her tears and her breathing was unsteady.
“Shhh it’s going to be ok.” I said.
It fell silent and I looked down to see that Robyn had went back to sleep. It’s bothering me that she’s keeping something from me, obviously something that’s hurting her. I want to know what it is so I can try and fix it, because I don’t like seeing her like this.
Last night I wanted to tell Chris that I’m pregnant but I couldn’t bring myself to do it; instead I just cried. He ended up leaving this morning which was good because he wouldn’t hear me having morning sickness.
All of this still doesn't seem real so I made a doctor’s appointment today just to be sure. I invited Mel to go with me because I didn’t want to be by myself. My phone rang and I answered.
“Hey boo I’m outside, you ready?”
“Yea Mel I’ll be out in a minute.” I got my purse and made my way out the door.
“You nervous?” Mel said to me as we sat in the waiting room. My palms were sweaty and I kept rubbing them against my pants’ leg.
“It’s that obvious huh?”
“Ms. Fenty the doctor will see you now.” the nurse said.
I took Mel’s hand and we walked to the back. I sat on the examination table and shortly the doctor came in.
“Hello Ms. Fenty, how are you doing today?”
“I’m doing good…”
“Wonderful, here it says you want a blood test to see if you’re pregnant, correct?”
“Yes, I took a few pregnancy test and they said I was but I want to be sure.”
“Ok well let’s get started.”
I stuck my arm out and looked away as she put needle in my arm.
“All done, I will be back in with your results in about 15 minutes.” She said with a smile. As each minute passed I was becoming more and more anxious even though I already know the answer.
“Secret lovers, yeah that’s what we are. Trying so hard to hide the way we feel…” my ringtone for Chris went off in the silent room snapping me out of my thoughts.
“Are you going to answer that?” Mel said.
“Nah leave it…”
“That’s really the ringtone you have for him though?” she said laughing.
“Yup it fits perfectly don’t you think?” I said giggling.
“Ok Ms. Fenty I have your test back and congratulations you’re pregnant.” She came in and said.
“Wow…” I murmured.
“Would you like to see your baby?” The doctor asked me. I looked at Mel and she nodded her head smiling.
“Yes…” I replied lowly.
“Ok lay back and lift up your shirt.” I did as I was told and she laid a cover across my bottom half.
She applied some gel and I shivered a little from the coldness.
“There he or she is and it looks like you’re a little past 2 months.” I looked at the screen and I immediately covered my mouth in shock.
“That’s my baby?” I said with a small grin and Mel grabbed my hand.
“It sure is. Would you like a picture?” I nodded my head quickly telling her yes. She printed out two pictures and gave them to me.
Mel dropped me off at home and for the rest of the night I sat up and stared at the sonogram picture. I can’t believe this is real.
*3 weeks later*
For weeks now my mind has been going back and forth between what decision I should make. Although Chris and I have been going great lately and I love him I’ve still chosen the most undesirable option. Mel is very upset and disappointed with me because of my choice, but she’s still here to take me.
We arrived at the clinic and I instantly got an uneasy feeling. They called my name and I walked into the room. I saw the machine and became dizzy. I never thought this would be a part of my life. I laid down and put my feet into the stirrups. Tears formed in my eyes as the doctor slid the slender tube into me.
“Believe it or not mommy loves you already…I-I-I just can’t have you right now. I’m sorry God please forgive me.” I cried rubbing my stomach.
My breathing became heavy and my cries were loud. I suddenly had a change of heart. I shouldn’t go through with this, it’s wrong.
“Wait don’t take my baby, I want my baby!!!” I screamed but by that time it was too late. The procedure was over.
“Make sure she takes these pills for any pain she may experience like intense cramping worse than normal menstrual cramps. Contact us if she has heavy bleeding or if you think she has developed an infection, which is not likely but it’s possible. Also make sure she gets plenty of rest for a few days. This procedure is not to be taken lightly so it’s very important she takes care of herself.” The doctor told Mel and I just stood there zoned out. They took my blood pressure and sent me on my way.
“Sis would you like some soup, juice, tea, anything?” Mel asked me.
I haven’t said a word since during the abortion and that was six hours ago. Chris has been calling nonstop but I can’t talk to him right now, hell I can’t talk to anyone.
“Robyn you have to say something. How am I supposed to know you’re ok if you don’t talk to me?” She said hugging me.
She placed a blanket over my body and I stayed in my position on the couch, and continued staring into space.
“Well I’m not leaving you so I’ll be here if you need anything.” She sat on the other couch and turned on the TV.
*4 days later*
“Sis I’m going to the store then I’m going home to get a few things. I’ll be back though and try to get some sleep please.”
“Ok I’ll try…” I said and she walked out the door.
I haven’t gotten much sleep lately because I keep having strange dreams, and I’ve been hearing baby screams and cries. Mel says it’s my guilt that’s causing this and I think she’s right. I began to doze off when I heard my front door open.
“Mel you back already?” I said.
“It ain’t Melissa, it’s me. Why haven’t you returned any of my calls?”
“I’m sorry Chris I’ve just been busy.”
“Busy with what? I’ve been to the boutique and they said you haven’t been there. What’s going on Robyn?” He asked sitting next to me.
“Baby tell me what’s been bothering you.” He pleaded.
“Christopher I had…” I started to say and his phone rang.
“Hold on baby.” He went upstairs to answer it. I stayed seated and waited for his return. I don’t know how to tell him this.
“Robyn!!! Robyn!!!…” Chris yelled and I looked back to see him running down the stairs.
“Why are you yelling, please stop yelling.”
“What is this?” he said handing me the sonogram.
“Are you pregnant? Are we going to have a baby?” he said smiling.
Seeing his smile broke my heart. He grabbed my hand to pull me up and he kissed my lips and hugged me.
“I was…” I whispered.
“Wait what do you mean you was? What happened, did you lose the baby?” He asked concerned and I shook my head.
“Then what happened?” I remained silent and looked away.
“Robyn look at me…”
“I had an abortion Chris I’m so sorry.” I said with tears coming down my face. I saw nothing but pain, disappointment, and rage in his eyes not the love I usually see.
I stand before the woman I love in disbelief, the Robyn I know and love wouldn’t pull something this horrendous.
“Baby I’m sorry…” Her sniffles echoed across the quiet room. She has been saying the same thing for over 30 minutes, yet it’s still not registering. My heart is shattering right before my eyes.
“You killed our baby, don’t be sorry sweetheart.”
I can’t bare the sight of her right now it’s disgusting. I’m aware this would have been a sticky outcome since I’m married and a pastor but I would have taken care of Robyn and our child. I stomped across her living room carpet in a rage, pacing back and forth.
“I thought it was best for us.” She said.
“I don’t want to hear that shit. How could you do something like that without telling me? How could you not tell me you were pregnant in the first place? How could you do this to us?” I inquired and she remained silent which was pissing me off even more.
“Fucking answer me Robyn, why did your selfish ass do this?” My voice was loud and full of anger which caused her to jump.
"Chris I’m sorry I really am. I should have told you and I realize that now. Please don’t be mad. It just wasn’t the right time for us to have a baby.”
“Don’t be mad? You killed my seed that I knew nothing about and you’re telling me don’t be mad, fuck out of here with that. This is the most selfish shit you have ever done. That was foul Robyn.”
“I know that and I feel really guilty. I haven’t slept and I’ve barely eaten. I love you and there’s no other man I would rather have kids with but you. It just wasn’t the right time babe.”
“Who made that decision that it wasn’t the right time? You did and what gives you the right to decide that. I know I’m married but that was my child too, and I would have been there for you no matter what.”
“So what was I supposed to do? Walk around with a baby and keep it a secret that you’re the father.”
“No, I would have claimed what was mine. I don’t play that bullshit when it comes to my kids.”
“How was I supposed to know that Christopher?”
“I guess you will never know now will you?” I said and she just stood there with her eyes blood red from crying. I threw my hands in the air attempting to walk off. She pulled my arm back but I harshly yanked it away.
“Listen I usually care when you’re upset but I don’t give a fuck right now, don’t touch me.” I said and continued towards the door.
“Baby please don’t go home I need you right now.” She pleaded with me, but I had to leave. I’m way too pissed off to be standing here talking to her.
"Chriiiiisss…I’m sorry!!!” She yelled. I slammed her door so hard and I think I made one of her pictures on the wall fall. I hopped in my car and sped off; I don’t know where I’m going but I need to go somewhere to calm down before I go home.
*2 weeks later*
It’s been weeks since I talked to Robyn and I’ve had time to think. I realized I was more hurt and sad by her actions rather than angry. I talked to Mijo and he helped me understand her possible reason for doing what she did. I love Robyn so much and I’m sure we can get through this together.
I stepped out of my car and walked towards her door. I used my key to let myself in and I saw her and Mel on the couch talking, but her back was facing me.
“Hey Chris…” Mel said.
“Melissa please don’t play with me like that. He’s not here.”
“Hey…” I said and Robyn turned around immediately.
“I’m going to leave you two alone to talk. Sis I’ll call you later and bye Chris.” Mel said. She took her things and hugged Robyn then she hugged me on her way out.
Robyn stood up and I walked over to her. She put her head down but I lifted it back up with my index finger.
“Chris if you’re here to yell at me some more…”
“I’m not here to argue babe. I just want to talk.” I said cutting her off.
“Ok well first I want to say I’m sorry again. You had every right to be as mad as you was; I expected that. I just wanted you to understand where I was coming from and not hate me. I’m really going through a lot because of the decision I made and all I wanted was you to be here to comfort me; well we could’ve comforted each other, but I guess once again Mel was right. I should have told you because you had the right to know. So I don’t blame you for walking out.”
“You’re right I did deserve to know and this really won’t be an easy situation for me to cope with. I understand it’s your body but I also contributed in making that baby. Robyn who knows our child could have been the one to cure cancer or an amazing author; we could have created something beautiful. Children are a blessing from God baby girl.”
I embraced her as the tears cascaded down my face. I’ve been holding my pain in and now my eyes are exposing the outcome of my broken heart. She buried her head in my chest and stated.
“I’ll understand if you want to leave me for good Chris.”
I couldn’t leave her even if I tried. At this point we’re in too deep; she has a hold on my soul.
“Robyn Fenty you are my life. I may get mad but I will never leave you forever baby. I know we aren’t a perfect couple and this situation isn’t the best but I truly love you.”
“Chris I love you too but I just thought you wouldn’t want a child from your whore.” That’s absurd that she would even think of something like that. I muster up the most serious face I could give her.
“Why would you call yourself my whore? Never talk down on yourself in my presence. You are my queen far from a whore. I’m in love with you Fenty. Whores don’t get love and I don’t see you as another notch in my belt, you are the lady of my life. I hope you haven’t taken advice from Melissa or anyone else. No disrespect but they don’t know about us or shit about me. We are madly in love with one another that isn’t changing as I stated a minute ago. I’m hurting but I will be fine eventually. Know what you’re worth to me baby girl, don’t listen to petty gossip. You are my lover and my rib.”
I hate when she doubts my views of her. Too many lifetime and petty ass gossiping females without a man will fry your brain. I pulled her close to me lightly placing her in my arms as I maneuvered towards the sofa. Sitting her on my lap I tickle the sides of her flat stomach to lighten up the mood.
“Do you want to rent something from the Redbox or watch Netflix babe?” I asked her. She looked at me and out of nowhere she began to cry again.
“Baby please don’t cry.” I hugged her tightly until she calmed down.
I’m definitely not going home tonight. I’m staying with my baby, she needs me. I’m sure I’ll have a great lie in the morning. This isn’t right but if loving Robyn is a crime I’ll do the time and I’d be doing way more than life. I softly caress her back to console her.
“Chris I don’t understand how you can sit there and still love me after what I did to you. I don’t deserve your love baby and no man I know would continue a relationship after something as devastating as the news you received.”
“Baby I’m not just any man I’m your man and I’m not leaving you anytime soon. Fenty you better get prepared for me to annoy you for the rest of your life.” I said causing her to smile.
“Oh gosh Chris you are truly a piece of work. I may have to trade you in for something less complicated.“
"Girl please you know you love me, I’m your addiction.” I playfully stated intertwining our fingers together.
“I do so much but get your big feet off of my coffee table mister.”
“Last I recalled I’m the one who bought this coffee table for you so I’m allowed to put my feet anywhere.”
"You are an asshole and I’m not your friend anymore.” She said in a childlike tone.
“Aww Robby why don’t you want to be my friend? I’ll make it worth your while.”
“What do you have in mind?” She asked staring at me untying her robe. I licked my lips pulling her close to me.
“No silly I want pizza keep your mind out of the gutter. You are a little heathen I tell you.”
We both couldn’t stop laughing and she was on the floor wheezing. That’s what I love about us, one minute we can be full of gloom and the next minute we're laughing our hearts out. She is the only person that has this effect on me. I’m never leaving her.
She isn’t perfect and neither am I. Love is about compromise and this may be an awkward situation but what relationship don’t have trials and tribulations?