November 10, 2012

My first journal entry:

Today is Saturday. Dad and Zak woke up at 4 in the morning to go to Manhattan to help with the Hurricane Sandy clean up with our church. The Mormon church.

I woke up at 9:30 with my mom saying that she wanted to go places, places she picked. We were all hungry and we decided that it was a good idea to eat at Panera Bread. I had a bread bowl with potato soup and lemonade. It was great.

After, we went to the Penguin Book Sale with the Penguin Publishers, I believe that’s what they are called. It was like a warehouse as we walked in. So many isles of books. Children’s books, teen books, adult books, non fiction books, fiction books, and teaching books. I found so many books but when we got home mom wanted to keep all but one book for Christmas. My book is called Babe in Boyland by Jody Gehrman.

Then we went to Walmart. I got presents for my girls. Katie, Taylor, Caitlyn, Mary Kate and Amanda. The first four are because it is our football cheerleading banquet tomorrow and the other is just because when I saw it I thought of Amanda.

After, we went to best buy but I stayed in the car with Jared while mom and Jason went in. They were gone for about 20 minutes.

Then we went home. And mom made us French Dip sandwiches and for the rest of the night I plan to clean and watch Grey’s Anatomy and maybe even read my book.

And that’s everything for today
Love always

Oh my god

I’m so stressed at the moment, everything’s getting on top of me
People want me to places with them that’s costing money I mean its not like I haven’t got its just i don’t want to just chuck it around like its nothing and I do want to go but there other things I want and school is costing at the moment and I’m really missing my cousins to top it off I just feel like everyone else has got it so much better like the will happily spend loads of money and its just being spoilt and I can’t even have a break to just think…eargh

I just want to be able to say that I’ve done something with my life. That I’ve gone new places, done exciting and worthwhile things, and met interesting people. It should be beside the point if I “got somewhere” or “became a success”. The experience alone should be worth it. I’m done being scared of failure. Nothing exciting ever happens in your comfort zone.

Do you ever watch an old home movie or hear a story about yourself as a child and feel like you’ve lost something? Like you took some aspect of yourself and hid it or pushed it back over the years because it made you different. I want to be true to my child-self. No, she was far from perfect, but she was much more of a person.


I absolutely hate how consumed I am with the idea of being in a relationship. I can’t talk to guys without the seeing them as potential boyfriends rather than brothers in Christ. I spend most of my time daydreaming about being asked out. And yes, it embarrasses me to be honest about it. I feel like a failure as a person because no one (that I know of) has ever liked me. I even set myself up for failure because I always crush on guys waaay out of my league. I need God’s help, but He seems so far away…

What makes me so unloveable? So repulsive? I’m not that fat. I’m not that ugly. I’m not that boring. Do I seem desperate? Awkward? Lame? Is there something written on my forehead, saying, “You don’t want this girl; she’s not worth it; you could do better.” What’s wrong with me?