medvedev

Look, I am not saying I shot the fucking meteor out of the sky. All I am saying is that I just happened to be hunting in Siberia when the meteor entered Russian airspace. And that I shot the fucking meteor out of the sky.

“Now, who you sit with here in the Russian Federation is crucial, because you’ve got everybody there.

You got your underage-looking tech nerds,


KGBros,


socially awkward diplomats,

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batshit oligarchs,

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Chechen douchebags,


cool Chechens,


chess nerd economists,


politically unfriendly hotties,

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annoying opposition people on LiveJournal,


annoying opposition people in jail,


desperate wannabes,


creepy church guys,

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Sexually active performance artists, 


the greatest people you will ever meet,


and the worst.”

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I have finally added a Facebook ‘like’ button to my Tumblr page, so you had better click the fucking like button or I will have you breaking rocks in goddamn Siberia before the day is out.

I hope you have been good little boys and girls this year. Oh, you have been good, have you? That is not what my informants have been telling me! Ahahaha, I am just kidding. I like to kid. Best wishes for a happy holidays. Love, The Boss.

In light of the recent global outrage over Russian anti-gay laws, I have had my personal and working relationship with long-time partner Dmitry Medvedev called in to question. So, for the record, I must insist that we are strictly bros. And any affection displayed, or shared, between us are only the manliest portrayals of Russian bro-love.  #loveUdima

Let it be known that I have decided to cancel the crime co-operation agreement between Russia and the United States. Instead, I will personally fight crime by walking the streets of Moscow and punching criminals in the face.