I need a break. I know that sounds kind of hilarious given that I’ve only completed three commissions and one gift since December of last year, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult for me to work. Part of it is the technical difficulties that keep recurring and preventing me from actually properly working. I’ve got two fixes I can try at this point, one of which is probably likely to work, but the more I try to convince myself to fix it, the less I want to.
The truth of it is, I haven’t enjoyed working on anything for a very long time. I’ve worked on exactly one piece in the past two years that was just for me. The last time I opened up photoshop with the intent to paint just for the sake of painting, was 2013. I’ve fallen into a very painful rut, wherein the only drive I have to work is almost guilt-based. I have a commission and therefore, well, damn, I better be working on it, otherwise what sort of person am I?
On a good day, when my computer likes me and I have the drive to work, I zone out for a few hours while I paint and eventually sit back and go “that doesn’t look horrible.” That is the absolute best result. On a bad day I can’t land a single brush stroke right and I give up after three hours in frustration (and frequently tears) with absolutely no progress made. Even when I do finish a piece I don’t feel accomplished, I just crash and spend the next few weeks trying to drag myself out of a depressive episode. It doesn’t help that I’ve been putting myself through this sort of ordeal for a price that’s far lower than I should be charging (this is not a slight at any of the people who have commissioned me in the past, I set that price, it’s my own doing).
In the end, what I’ve been putting myself through for a little spare cash is not worth the toll it has been taking on me. It’s driving me up the wall that I’ve gotten to this point where something I used to love just makes me miserable, and I really have no idea what the hell to do to fix this other than to just walk away from it for now.
And please, if there are any of my artisty mutuals that can give me any practical advice for this, I’m all ears. Because it absolutely wrecks me to feel this way about something I used to love doing.
So to everybody who was waiting on commission slots, I apologize. From the bottom of my heart I truly do. But right now I just cannot do it.