med-student

At some point, it stopped feeling like playing dress-up.

I bought my first suit for my medical school interviews. I wore my badly fitting, not especially stylish suit to every interview with pride, but every time I put it on, I felt like I was just pretending to be a grownup. 

And then I got accepted, and I started medical school, and I got my white coat that very first week. Over the first two years, I was required to wear my white coat and professional clothes every so often - for the sessions where we learned to do H&Ps, to patient presentations, to OSCEs. On my way to my first session with a real live patient, a man in the hallway saw my white coat and asked me where the bathroom was; of course, having been in the hospital a grand total of zero times, I had no clue. I felt like an impostor. I was playing dress-up; I wasn’t really a grownup; those clothes were mine, but they weren’t my real clothes. 

Third year started, and as I put it, I started having to “dress like a grownup” every day (except when I wore scrubs - then I got to wear pajamas to work). Those first few months, it still felt like playing dress-up. I bought more work clothes (I needed more than 3 outfits if I was gonna have to look professional 6 days a week), and I found some that let my personality show a little, rather than the boring, frumpy clothes I had bought for interviews. But for some reason, it still felt like I was putting on an act. I was only pretending to be a grownup. I was only pretending to know what I was doing. I put on my professional facade, and then I came home and allowed myself to be me once again.

I’m not sure when it happened, but at some point, it stopped feeling like playing dress-up. This morning, I got up. I put on the clothes I laid out the night before - the pants from the suit I wore to interview, and the blouse I wore to my interview at my current school. They felt like my clothes, finally. I went to the hospital. I said hi to the staff I’ve gotten to know over the past month on this rotation. I got signout from the night team. I saw my patients and told them what the plan was for the day. I laughed at their jokes and made some of my own - I’ve learned to find the balance between being professional and being my genuine self, and I’m seeing how much better I connect with people when I’m not so worried about being the perfect professional all the time. I knew what I needed to do and I got it done. I was no longer just wearing the clothes and going through the motions. I didn’t feel like I was pretending to be a grownup - I knew I was one.

3

~ 27/02/17 ~ {98/175} Condensed physiological homeostasis notes from this morning 📝

Medical school is not a place for smart people. It’s a place for those who are insane enough to dream of it, pray for it, work hard for it, and live for it. It is for those who are crazy enough to want the sense of purpose that fuels their veins. And, if it is insanity, then let it be, for even if it means more sleepless nights, more examinations to pass, more years in the university and more sacrifices to endure, nothing will change. I will keep on choosing this path over and over again even for a hundred more days and a thousand more years. And nothing in this world can stop me from taking an adventure as worth taking as this, even for a million more lifetimes. Medicine is passion. Medicine is hard work. Medicine is life.

Who else is being naughty at work? Where are my cops, or firefighter’s, or soldiers! I love boys in any sort of uniform. The more submissive, the better. Send a face pic on tumblr with your tongue all the way out so I know this is you and you know how to listen 😝 I’ll give you my kik name after that.