Context: My halfling thief has been gathering pets for no good reason. At a pet store, he asked if there were any “special” animals. Turns out there’s a Cerberus in the back. The shop owner said I can have it if I can I tame it.
Me: I do research on cerberuses.
DM: Roll investigation.
Me: *rolls decently, but not high*
DM: You find one piece of paper that says a guy had a cerberus and fed it steak every day. One day, it ate him.
Our sorcerer: It’s because he fed it chicken instead.
-fastforward to me back at the pet store-
Me: Okay, I know that it understands Common. So I’m going to toss in some meat and roll persuasion to ask it to come with us.
DM: You’re going to… persuade… a three-headed demon dog…..
Sorcerer: And I want to assist!
DM, clearly not expecting this to work: Fine, roll.
I rolled a 15 and the sorcerer rolled 11
The DM rolls to counter, and his face slowly drops into something that says “What the hell have I done?”
DM: He rolled a Nat 1. Congrats, he’s friendly.
And that’s how a halfling theif got a pet cerberus. I kept it happy by having a friend enchant a plate to have endless meat of the highest quality.
Context: Party is all level 8, 3 fighters, a warlock, and a rogue. Rolen(me, fighter) Andraste(warlock) Brom(Rogue). We just got done talking a hag out of killing blood spiders, homebrewed constructs given free will. Huge things that ooze blood from their mandibles and stuff. It’s great. We’re trying to fight off an orc invasion and need allies.
DM: So the Broodmother turns to you all and says she will grant you 1 thing.
Andraste: We are trying to fend off and invasion of orcs, is there anyway you can lend us aid? You will get a ton of bodies and blood and meat.
DM: *glaring* roll persuasion.
Andraste: *NAT F***ING 20*.
Dm: *groans* you get an escort of 12 blood spiders, who offer to let you ride into battle with them.
*cue entry to the siege of a city, 5,000 orcs attacking.*
DM: as you all crest the hill, the blood spiders begin making this horrible screeching, and the orc hordes turn and just like, shit themselves, as the blood spiders just decimate their ranks.
Real Published Author: writing good sex in fiction is HARD. it just cannot be done, I tell you. It is very hard to make it sexy. Good sex is impossible to write!
Thousands Upon Thousands Of Fanfic Smut Writers Spanning Back Decades: … oh right yeah we don’t count because we don’t write “”“real books”“” or whatever. Have fun with your monstrous meat organs and barrel rolling breasts or fucking whatever
Wherever you go on earth you will find “local cuisine.” Local cuisine is often made up of local food, things that are grown or produced only in specific areas, and at the most minute level there is home cooking, recipes and specific alterations to common recipes that only exist in your family. This is the core idea of my next story. (My first story is about fetishes that i brought over from my other blog)
One day the Human crew decided to make special dishes for the rest of the crew. This idea scared most of the ship. What was acceptable Death Planet meals? Many assumed it would be bloody and gruesome, which for some of this dishes was the start, or poisonous, which the humans made sure to check food restrictions for their crew mates. Some of the humans brought on livestock, killed and cooked it in front of the crew. They claimed that the “fresher the meat is, the better it tastes.” Others brought pre-cut meats with leafy things. Some brought on weird squares that jiggled but retained their shape when it didn’t seem like it should to be able to. Lots of liquids, powder things, fruits, and leafs were brought and shared by most. Lastly, One human named Ernest, brought on a few cans. He did not labor over the flames, smoking oils, hot ovens, or boiling waters. Ernest just watched others work while he sat there with his cans.
The first was a human to make her dish was named Sophia from a country known as I-tall-ee. She made Pee-za. All the other humans seemed very excited by this, most agreed Pee-za was their favorite food. Though the crew learned rather quickly that it was very hard to decide on the makings of a Pee-za or where on the Death Planet it came from. Some argued the Pee-za from Nu Yurk was better, other said Boss-tan and Sophia said the Amerikans didn’t know what real Pee-za was. The only thing most of the humans could agree on was that it was a crime to put pineapple on Pee-za. A few of the bravest crew tried the Pee-za and enjoyed the finished item. Others of the crew were afraid to try it due to the humans arguing and joking about fighting if they liked one pee-za more than another.
After Sophia was Otgonbayar or Bay as most called them. He was from Mongo-lia. They brought mutt-on, which was butchared while the Pee-zas were made. Bay cooked chunks of meat with many liquids and spicys on a flat cooking plate. The crew was worried about the plate being so hot but were reassured that a cooking plate and an eating plate were different and they would not be getting food off the searing cooking plate. The humans all complemented Bay on the smells of the food which did seem rather good. Most of the crew was happy to sample the mutt-on.
The next Human was Suki from Ja-Pan. She prepared several meals. First was a hot liquid called Me-so soop. Many were confused that the Toe-fool in the soop did not contain the Toes of a fool, but found the soop to be tasty despite the confusing name. What bewildered most of the crew is when she made Fry Rise. It was a combination of so many things; small narrow rise grains, egs, ste-ak, vegtables, and lots of seasonings. Many of the crew enjoyed it but could not understand why anyone would traditionally eat such small food with 2 sticks.
Now came one named Robert from Arc-en-saw. He made a meal that made others wince in pain at it. It was a Cheez Borg Er wrap in Bake On. The crew who enjoyed meat loved it dearly. The other Humans warned against eating too many due to Heart attacks. That did not worry the Foorgorian crew members as they had 3 hearts.
Next came Mary from Me-he-co. She made a meal called Talko’s. Some of the crew theorized these Talko’s is what made Mary talk so much. It was served in a few ways she explained depending where in Me-he-co you live. Some cook the Shell, some leave it soft. Some roll the meats and sauces in the soft shell while others piled it on the hard shell. She had one sauce called Picko-D-Guy-o. She warned some people it was full of spices that make some men on earth cry. This scared away most of the other crew but the Bilnafs ate the sauce and literally breathed fire. They were checked into medical bay shortly after and was later cleared as ok and healthy to eat. The gooakomolaye was much better for most of the crew to eat.
Next to last came a man from Aus-tray-lee-ah named by the other humans as Auzzy. He made a Sand-Mitch, with a jelly called Vegi-might. Many of the crew were hopeful at the nutritional value of the meal as it sounded like a vitamin and that is where humans gained their strength. That was until the other humans did not wish to eat it. A few of the crew would taste it and many did not like the taste. This did not offend Auzzy, “More for Me,” he said.
Last came Earnest from a place called North-way. He held one of the cans up and a few of the other humans began to cover there face or leave the room even though the can was still closed. He explained this was a can of Pick-old Hearings, a small aquatic creature that has been preserved for months during the frozen time of year. The Crew looked on with half horror, half curiosity, as he opened the can. Some of the other humans began to gag at the simple smell of this food. It was later explained by the other humans that the Hearings are caught and put in the can with minerals that allow the creature to undergo a type of fermentation that basically is on the edge of decay and rot. It is checked by the local government agency to make sure that it is safe for human consumption, assuming that you wanted to consume it. Most of the crew was confused by this dish the most out of all the foods. Why did the other humans run out of all the foods that were presented this was the crews favorite.
For once it was the humans who were confused and a little scared as the rest of the crew hungrily attacked the remaining cans of Pick-old Hearings
김치 (gim-chi) Kimchi or kimchee. Traditional fermented vegetable dish often served as a side dish or cooked into the meal e.g. 김치볶음밥 (gim-chi-bokk-eum-bap) kimchi fried rice or 김치찌개 (gim-chi-jji-gae) kimchi stew.
라면 (ra-myun) Ramyun is instant noodles. You’ll see a lot of people eating these in dramas and are sold cheaply at korean markets. There are many variations of these but one you can find easily is 신라면 (shin-ra-myun), one of the most popular brands.
떡볶이 (ddeok-bokk-i) Spicy stir fried rice cakes. There isn’t really a proper translation but think of these as delicious spicy but sweet rice cakes. They’re a street food and often contain fish cakes.
불고기 (bul-go-gi) Bulgogi. Literally: fire meat. Bulgogi can be beef, pork, chicken….. It will specify on the menu. Meat is marinated then grilled. Delicious.
짜장면 (jja-jang-myun) Jjajangmyun. A Korean-Chinese black bean noodle dish. Available at Korean Chinese takeaways. This is noodles, 면 (myun) means noodles, in a thick black bean sauce with minced pork and vegetables. This is a variation of the Chinese dish zhajiangmian.
잡채 (jap-chae) Japchae. Glass noodles with mixed vegetables, sometimes with meat.
At five years old, Remus Lupin was precocious. He didn’t believe in the monsters under his bed… even when the mean neighbour kids put them there. Every full moon, he would climb out of his bed, being as quiet as possible, just in case his mum or dad might hear his little feet padding across the cold wooden floorboards. His dad said that the most dangerous and deadly monsters came out on the full moon, that there were things worse than death. Remus refused to believe that anything could hurt him. His dad was the smartest man he could ever imagine, and knew every spell there was to know. His mom was the most beautiful woman in the entire world, and nothing could ever hurt her or the smile she perpetually wore. And besides, there was just… something about the full moon. The way the light was almost as powerful as the sun, but completely different. Remus would just sit there on the bay window seat for as long as he wanted, peeking through the curtains and wishing he were on that moon, swimming in the light. He knew what magic was, but this was a whole other level of it. Something even wizards as adept as his father couldn’t tame.
A shadow crossed the street. Remus blinked, and there was nothing there, but he hopped off the window anyhow. Sure, he liked to think he didn’t believe in the monsters, but he was still only five, and his heart was skipping wildly in his chest at what he thought he might have seen. He had forgotten to shut the curtain all the way, and a glimmer of moonlight slanted across the floor, lighting on his bed. He shut his eyes as he clambered back under the covers, trying to ignore the way the window creaked against a slight breeze. He didn’t want to call out to his parents because he knew that there couldn’t possibly be anything there. He curled up into a ball, tears leaking out of his eyes until he finally drifted off into sleep.
He didn’t wake up pleasantly. The thing that actually woke him was probably the snout that was grunting and snuffling up to him from the end of his bed. But the first thing he was aware of was the rancid stench of rotting meat rolling off the creature in waves. Immediately, his heart kicked its pace up, and obviously the creature sensed it. It let out a growl. Remus whimpered. Where was his father with all his spells? His mother with her smile and warm arms that chased all the bad things away? The creature moved closer, and Remus made an impulsive move, rolling out from under it and onto the floor. “DADDY!” He screeched as loudly as his little voice would allow. “HE-” But he was cut off by a body six times larger than his own slamming into him and pinning him to the floor. Claws dug into his sides, puncturing his skin. He was now crying, and all he could make out was a horrendous maw yawning above him, the rotten meat breath wafting over him as tears streamed down his face. He heard footsteps running up the stairs and over the next few years he’d think about that face and be certain that the creature had been grinning as it ripped into him.
The ATLA AU; in which Law and Sabo are waterbenders, Ace is a firebender, and Luffy bucks the world’s expectations and is an unconventional airbender.
It’s funny how everyone considers earth to be the stubborn
As far as Trafalgar D. Water Law is concerned, air is the
most persistent son of a bitch to ever exist. And he’s only saying this because
he knows Monkey D. Luffy, Airbender and humongous pain in the ass.