mean miserables

how to spot a theatre kid

- knows too much about first treasury secretary alexander hamilton, bank robbers bonnie and clyde and the newsboys strike of 1899

- grocery shopping list consists of ‘the cow as white as milk, the cape as red as blood, the hair as yellow as corn, the slipper as pure as gold’

- when introduced to someone new, sings:

 - and i’m jAVERT

 - alexander hamilton, my name is alexander hamilton

 - veronica sawyer. i crave a boon

- laughs at anyone who says disney isn’t realistic because nobody randomly breaks out into song

- favourite rappers are the cast of hamilton and the witch from into the woods

- when walking in the rain, will start singing on my own from les miserables

- panics when the cast list is about to be posted

- blood is 90% throat coat

- constantly losing bobby pins

- has no sense of privacy because have you ever had to do a quick change

as much as i enjoy those les mis + instagram posts, i still firmly believe enjolras’ gallery would consist of photos of his cats with tacky nashville filters, banners for upcoming protests/meetings/conferences that crop into unsightly squares on his profile, and one blurry sunset. overall not aesthetic at all. to the point that jehan has unfollowed him. twice.

Concept:
Les Misérables (1862) but if Lemony Snicket was the author

Example:
to Enjolras–darling, dearest, dead.

Chapter One

If you’re seeking a story whose tragic beginning is followed by a less-tragic middle and an inevitably uplifting denouement, this book should be avoided at all costs. The approximately six hundred and fifty-five thousand words that are about to follow contain the tales of several bright and brave young people who each meet an unfortunate end and several less-bright, less-young people, including myself, who unfortunately survive to recount the events. “Unfortunate” is a word which here means “luckless” and “miserable”, the latter definition having been used for the title of this novel, designed to dissuade you, the misguided reader, from continuing past the cover page.

There are other techniques I have employed in this book that are designed to stop you from yourself becoming miserable by reading this story in its entirety. Firstly, the physical novel, which as you may notice shares the same dimensions and weight as a standard housing brick, for the utmost inconvenience. Secondly, I have included several hundred pages of information which are both uninteresting and have little bearing on the grander story in the meager hope that you will come to your senses and place this novel back on your shelf or better, in a lit fireplace, where I solemnly believe it belongs. 

For example, the use of candlesticks. The word “candlestick” is derived from the purpose of the item itself, that is an object, most often metal, commonly silver, in which one can stick a candle. Many dictionaries define “candlestick” as  “an often ornamental holder for securing a candle or candles”. “Candleholder” is another, less commonly used word for “candlestick”. Candlesticks come in a variety of forms and sizes, and can contain a variety of numbers of candles often demarcated by their names-a “trikirion” contains three candles and a “menorah” contains seven. If you have had the fortitude-a word which here means “strength of mind”-to make it this far through this dull paragraph, it may be of some note to say that the candlesticks with which we concern ourselves in this story are single candlesticks, that may each contain one candle. 

Thirdly, not only have I named the main character in a redundant manner-Jean Valjean-I have decided to tell you here that Jean Valjean perishes on the final page of this novel. That is my story’s conclusion.

With all this information in mind, and having the ending already known, I now give you my final warning and pleading suggestion to forget about this book. Put it down. Hide it away. Bury it in a cemetery late at night with the assistance of a man named Fauchelevant. Forget it ever existed. For now the story must begin.

It begins in a town called Digne, on a grey and dreary night under the roof of a very kind but elderly and poor man, the bishop of the town, whose name was Myriel.

2

“When the moon fell in love with the sun
All was golden in the sky”

okay so I’ve just binge-watched Yuri on Ice to avoid my responsibilities, so allow me to offer you this Yuri on Ice-ish Enjoltaire AU:

  • Enjolras is a renowned French figure skater, idolised by the fans because he’s both impossibily talented and beautiful. He’s been under the spotlight for as long as he can remember
  • Thing is, if he really did start off loving figure skating, the pressure is getting too much lately. His parents are the ones who really want him on the ice, but all his fire has burnt out. He just wants to take a break and focus on other stuff, like activism and his friends
  • Meanwhile, Grantaire is a famous-but-never-winner Greek figure skater, who idolised and fostered a crush on Enjolras for freaking EVER. He has a very laid-back and nonchalant style, and he’s graceful on the ice, but his self-esteem, depression, and poor life choices are getting in the way of his career
  • One day, Enjolras sees one of Grantaire’s performances and oh boy. Grantaire has an innate grace and his body can tell such vivid stories, but he holds so much back! Enjolras’ decision is taken. He’ll coach Grantaire for the Grand Prix, since he has no desire to skate himself
  • Grantaire is, of course, D-Y-I-N-G because his idol is???? On his doorstep??? What the fuck is happening???
  • Things go less smoothly than anticipated. Enjolras is demanding and sometimes harsh, while Grantaire doesn’t believe in himself as much as he should
  • They have a huge fall out at some point. Out of frustration and exhaustion, Grantaire points out that he can’t be Enjolras, because he doesn’t have the cold iron beauty that it takes, that he can’t be made of icy marble like Enjolras is
  • They make up later, opening up to each other. Enjolras explains that he’s lived under the crushing pressure of perfection all his life, and it messes up his expectations. Grantaire apologises profusely, saying that perhaps Enjolras should coach someone who actually has a chance of winning the Grand Prix
  • But Enjolras has none of that. He believes in Grantaire. That’s what he says every time before Grantaire gets on the ice. “I believe in you.”
  • Bonus point: Spanish figure skater Courfeyrac, Captain of the Enjoltaire ship, constantly nagging them about being like an old married couple and keeping the fans updated about operation “Holi-gays on Ice”