Hello Tumblr world, today I’m doing a big, long body positivity post. I am 18, 5'9" ish, and approximately 125 pounds, depending on the day. I just graduated high school, and my entire senior year I seriously struggled with loving me and loving the body I was living in. I would sink into days where I would just have water for the day. Or just a poptart, or a few chips all day long. Then there were days I ate something at each meal time. And every one of those days I still hated me. I was borderline anorexic, but never really realized it or talked to anyone because I was never “bad enough.” I’ve been a dancer since I was 6, which helped keep me out of an eating disorder because I always thought “I have to dance to live, and to dance strong I have to eat.” I live in a tight, Mormon community and was raised Mormon. I still attend church meetings but I don’t really follow everything to a t. And I guess my downhill spiral to being the “rebel” I am was not loving my body. This led to insecurities and wanting to fit it which then led to immodesty. Modest is hottest. That’s what little girls are told. I was told this my whole life and not just at church. I tried very hard for a very long time to be that little girl that followed the rules. But there’s a sad truth: modest is not hottest. Even the good religious (Mormon and otherwise) boys don’t think it is in many cases. I wanted to be that good girl, I wanted to dress like I should and do what I should and act like I should. But this world is harsh and cold. It chewed me up and spit me out like it was eating a sunflower seed, took the good and spit out the shell. I had been left behind in a place I couldn’t love myself because I didn’t know how. I have never figured out what loving myself means. I didn’t know there was a wrong way to have a body until I saw posts degrading my body type saying real women have curves, nobody likes bones, etc. I didn’t know boys would lure me in with dorky smiles and lies hidden in angel eyes. I didn’t know that not loving yourself could mean so many things. Most people see in it scars or starving or death. But it isn’t always that way. It can be meals casually skipped. It can be staying up too late when you know tomorrow is a long day. It can be not wearing a coat when it’s cold because you like thinking about the cold more than the numbing thoughts rambling through your brain. It can be wearing more revealing things even though mom asked you to wear a tank top with that shirt because you know everyone will look. It’s seeking for the wrong attention. I’ve had a tough time thinking modest is hottest. They never looked when I wore sweats and a tee shirt. And even if they did it was the wrong looks. Disapproving looks. You’re not good enough looks. So skinny jeans, tight and low cut shirts, push up bras, leggings, see through shirts, make up, made them look. Maybe the snakes in the grass bit first but god, did that pain feel good compared to the dead feeling inside. The past year of my life has been hell. I’ve had a continuously difficult time liking my body but this year amplified that hate so much. Things are slowly turning around. I don’t feel guilty ALL the time when I eat. I talk myself out of skipping meals or passing on an offer for a snack. I still dance and maintain the small figure I’ve been shamed and praised for. Loving yourself is a lifelong battle. And I plan to win that battle. Nobody is perfect and no body is perfect, but I will be perfectly imperfect for me.
Basically all of the places we listed in the description, but most of all I’d say Queenstown and Mt Cook were my favourites!
We cooked most meals ourselves other than one very rainy day where we sought refuge in a cafe and managed to get vegan soup, but there was one cafe in Queenstown called Bespoke Kitchen which we LOVED and went to two days in a row. Also 10/10 recommend getting pizza and sitting in front of the water as the sun sets. V beautiful.
Haven’t updated in awhile but damn I’m making progress, I’m in college now so it’s super easy to stay busy and not eat. I eat one meal a day. Down 22 pounds!! 28 more to goooooooooo. How are you all doing??
American public school is garbage in so many ways.
I just saw a post going around about screwed up things about public schools in the United States, and it reminded me of one of mine. CW for food, fatphobia, and shitty public school stuff.
So I had this friend in high school who sat at my table for lunch every day. She always brought her lunch from home because she was a vegetarian, and our high school was in the small town South where vegetarianism isn’t super common, so there were never any vegetarian meals available.
One day she forgot her lunch and, not wanting to go without eating, she went through the cafeteria line. The problem was that, due to some rule or another, the cafeteria staff were required to supply her with the main dish. She couldn’t just take the sides.
So in addition to the little salad and fruit cup, which were the only things she could eat, she had this greasy piece of fried chicken. Which threatened to leak grease all over her food.
So I volunteered to take it from her so it didn’t ruin the only part of her lunch she could eat. Because I really hate wasting food and was still hungry anyway, I went ahead and ate the piece of chicken.
One of the cafeteria workers decided she didn’t like that.
I got screamed at for “stealing food that wasn’t mine,” and told that I had “no business” taking someone else’s food when I “clearly got enough to eat” (meaning I was fat), and also shouldn’t “steal” food because I already owed the cafeteria a whole twenty-five cents.
Twenty-five cents which I owed only because I took a bread roll off the cafeteria line a week before, thinking it came as a part of the main meal, only to discover at checkout that:
1. The roll was not considered part of the main meal. 2. “Extra” sides cost extra money. 3. “Extra” sides are not covered under the free lunch program I was a part of.
I didn’t have twenty-five cents, because I never had money, because we were poor and I literally never needed money at school anyway. I tried to give the roll back, but because it would be unsanitary to put it back on the tray, they let me keep it as long as I paid the money back later. They harassed me about this twenty-five cent bread roll every day for, like, a month, because I kept forgetting to bring a quarter. Eventually one of my friends took pity and just gave me one.
The tray of rolls that caused this mess, by the way, was not in any way labelled as costing extra. I assumed they came with the meal because, first of all, why wouldn’t they, and also because the main meal that particular day was literally just three chicken nuggets, with nothing but a carton of milk on the side. And who fucking gives sixteen-year-olds nothing but three chicken nuggets and a carton of milk and calls it good?????????
So. To recap. I did my vegetarian friend a favor and got screamed at for “stealing food” because I owed the cafeteria a quarter.
I know this topic is a bit old, but I recently thought about some stuff that was troubling me, so I’m putting this out here.
Some people recently might know me for the “Soft bellied idols are the best spread the word” post and I’m glad people have been spreading it, but I’d like to talk about my bias, Jimin.
Compare the photos: First. 2013. Jimin’s thighs are thick, his face and jawline are soft and rounded. His collar bones aren’t too prominent. Then, the WINGS era (2016/2017) photo. Thin, slimmed thighs, bonier hands, more prominent jaw.
Remember when he said: “While looking at the mirror during rehearsals for ‘Blood Sweat Tears’, I realized that I wanted to become more handsome so I started a diet where I only ate one meal for 10 days. I suffered a lot to lose all that weight but my handsomeness ranking between the members was still the same. I still diet consistently. There are two chicken breasts in a pack and I’ve been eating two packs a day for a year. I need to take vitamins too but I’ll skip on even that. I was once diagnosed with malnutrition because of that.”
Well…I watched the “Lie” Choreography with my father…and in it…
He has thigh gaps: abnormal for Jimin. His arms are too loose and shaky in the sleeves: abnormal. He never has to take a break in the middle of choreo, which he does in this video.
I ended up explaining the situation to my dad and he said. “He looks about dead” (my dad trained in the emergency medical field for a few years)
It was leaked that he used to regularly pass out during practice.
Plus Jimin’s collar bones are more prominent, and his jawline is too, and the chubby fingers are gone this year.
I know everyone loves Jimin’s abs, and his muscles, but…some (not all) ARMY need to realize that Jimin is a human being. Yes, he’s an idol. Yes he’s a dancer. Yes he’s a singer. But underneath his idol image, Jimin is a caring, amazing person. We need to show him that no matter what, we’re here to support and love this amazing man.