a list of the things i never told you:
i. when we first started talking, we were only 14, i never thought i’d fall in love with you. i just wanted to be friends but something about you gave me butterflies and made my heart skip a beat.
ii. though we are no longer together or on speaking terms, i don’t regret talking to you or being with you. i’m thankful for all the laughs and tears and fights and memories. i’m happy i got the privilege to fall in love with you.
iii. throughout the 3+ years we were in each other’s lives, i felt like a secret. i always felt like i wasn’t enough and that our relationship was a joke…that because we weren’t physically together, our relationship wasn’t real.
iv. it was so fucking real to me.
v. i told everyone about you. i told my parents, my friends, my family, my counselor. you were everything to me and you couldn’t even tell your mom about me. the only reason she knew about me was because your friend accidentally said something about me in front of her. i never told you how much that hurt.
vi. i still think about you everyday.
vii. i wish i didn’t.
viii. when we were together, for the very last time, i thought that was it, that you were the absolute one for me, i was so ready to be with you, i was so ready to fall more helplessly in love with you than i already was, i was ready to risk everything to be with you…it never felt mutual.
ix. i always wonder what it would have been like if we lived in the same state, the same city…if things would have been easier or harder.
x. i questioned if you loved me or not way too often.
xi. the whole time we were together, i only vocalized what you did wrong or what you weren’t doing, i always failed to mention everything you did right. i am so sorry for that.
xii. i got to witness you grow and change as a person and go through phases and watch you fall in love with other people and make memories but i only got to witness your life through pictures and a phone screen and it was so painful for me.
xiii. BUT through that phone screen i got to hear your voice and watch your nose crinkle when you giggled and see you cry and you were always so beautiful.
xiv. in all honesty, i still wish today that i could have met you, to physically see the person i’ve immersed myself in for so long.
xv. i’m happy without you.
xvi. i’m not happy without you.
xvii. my mom still asks about you, she seriously doesn’t hate you.
xviii. i hate us for not being strong enough to keep fighting. but i’m proud of us. i am proud we made it as far as we did. and i am proud that, separately we have the strength not to go back.
xix. i get genuinely mad seeing other couples (you know who) together because we deserved that, it should’ve been us…but it isn’t and i guess that means something.
xx. you’re the hardest fucking person to let go of, i swear to god.
xxi. i never reminded you enough of how much you meant to me and how truly amazing you were. i quite often took you for granted. i’m sorry i did that. i’m sorry for absolutely everything that i did…or didn’t do.
xxii. i wish you the best in life. i hope you pursue a career in photography or early childhood education or whatever your heart desires now. i hope you get that little farm house and fill it with cute animals and have horses. i hope you accomplish all of your dreams & genuinely live life as happy as can be. you have been through so much and you deserve to not be in hell anymore. and as much as it burns my heart, i hope you find someone that can love you so much better than i ever did.