Chrianna Short: Something's Gotta Change
“I fucked up, what else you want me to say?”
“That’s all you ever say! I fucked up! You think you’d be tired of fucking up Chris!”
“Look, I made a mistake, shit, I’m trying to take responsibility for it.”
“You know what; I can’t with you right now. When are you ever going to start taking things seriously?”
“I’m trying to apologize here Karrueche but you making this shit harder than it has to be.”
“NO, you’re the one making this harder than it has to be. Why can’t you just be a man about yours and do right by me? What the fuck did I ever do to you that you can’t just do one simple thing right, huh? I’ve held you down, even when I shouldn’t have. I can’t even go out of town for one weekend without coming back to stories about your ass doing something stupid”
“Man you can kill all that do right by you bullshit. That’s all I’ve been trying to do ever since we got back together. Fuck, half the time I don’t even know what we are. One day you all in love with me and the next day you wanna run around like you don’t need me. I guess whenever it’s convenient for you is when I’m your man!”
“Nigga get the fuck outta here. NO, it’s whenever it’s convenient for YOU is when YOU WANNA BE MY MAN. I shoulda left yo ass long time ago, like everyone else said!”
“Oh so now you listening to what everyone else said? That’s ya damn problem Kae. you wanna fit in so bad you’re willing to do anything to do so.”
“Maybe that’s my damn problem is I haven’t been listening to everyone else. Instead the only person I’ve been listening to is you and you see how far that’s gotten me.”
“Yeah, with a closet full of designer labels and career you never woulda had if it wasn’t for the fact that you’re dating Chris Brown. You got a lil bit of money in the bank and now you wanna act like I aint did shit for you, fuck outta here!”
“Your name might of helped get me started but it’s definitely not was keeping me going. People are interested in me because of ME. If anything my association with your name just brings me down.”
“Kae I swear to god I’m bout one second away from—“
“From what nigga? Yea that’s what I thought. You ain’t bout to do shit. If anything your lonely ass needs me. I’m one of the only ones who cares bout yo ass and you making me start to regret that decision. You know what you’re problem is Chris? You don’t know how to love or accept any type of real love. You surround yoself with a bunch of flunkies who tell you what you wanna hear just so they can stay living off you and you neglect the people who truly look out for you.”
“Oh that’s what you call yoself doing looking out for me. Everyday yo fucked up manager causes some type of twitter war with my fans, disrespects my ex like he’s being told by somebody in my camp to do it and promoting our damn relationship like it’s your career! If truth be told you the biggest flunkie living off me.”
“HA! You’re so sad and you can’t even see it. It’s no wonder Rihanna don’t want yo ass. You’re pathetic! Hell even yo own mama don’t want nothing to do with you half the time. And now you can add me to the list cus Im bout done with yo shit!”
“GET THE FUCK OUT!”
“Gladly nigga I was leavin anyways. Have fun being lonely all yo life.” Karrueche taunted as she slammed Chris’s bedroom door shut.
“Fuck wrong witchu?” Mijo asked as he passed an angry Karrueche in the hallway.
“That fuck nigga! I need to be as far away from him as possible right now. I suggest you do the same before he ruins you too.”
“Bitch!” Mijo said under his breath as he made his way to his best friends bedroom.
“I heard that, Bitch” Karrueche yelled from downstairs as she proceeded to slam the front door before leaving the property.
Mijo had seen the tweets and knew his best friend was in need of some real talk so he quickly made his way over to Chris’s house ready to give him a piece of his mind. He knocked twice before entering the smoke filled room, where Chris sat with his back to the door on the edge of his bed.
“Nigga I thought you was trynna quit!” Mijo stated as Chris just shrugged his shoulders and hung his head while lighting up another cigarette. Mijo knew better than anybody that once Chris got in one of his moods it was hard to get him out of it. Normally only one person could do the trick but she was too busy having the time of her in London to be thinking about him right now. He walked over carefully and sat directly across from Chris on the floor.
“Nigga what happened? Shit was all good last night in the studio. What changed after you left?”
“Man Kae happened. She hit me up last night talkin bout we needed to talk but I wasn’t really tryin to hear it cus all I wanted to do was get in my bed plus Robyn wasn’t answering my calls so I just said fuck it and went to sleep. Kae came over this morning and been arguing with me ever since bout those pictures online and the stories with them.” Mijo blew out a dramatic sigh before running his hand down his face. He knew his brother was hurting and he was going to have to go about this situation delicately if he was actually going to get him to understand what he was saying.
“Man when are you going stop this act and just admit that you not happy. Everybody can tell nigga. It aint no damn secret that this aint where you wanna be. Half the time you don’t even like that girl so why keep stringing her along?” Chris really didn’t have an answer. He stayed quiet hoping Mijo would get that he didn’t want to talk about it anymore and drop it.
“Naw nigga, you not getting me to drop this one. What the fuck are you doing?”
“Man I don’t even know. It’s like I can’t stop fucking up.”
“Naw ma nigga you know you just don’t want to admit it to yoself. Yeah you care bout shawty but you are definitely not in love with her. You keep her around so you don’t have to be alone. You’re so afraid that Robs don’t love you no more that you willing to keep people in yo life who use you just so you don’t have to face it. When you gone start living for yoself Cb, cus if you ain’t then who else will?” Chris let the words his best friend was saying really sink in. Was he afraid of being alone? Hell yeah. Did he keep Kae around because of that? Definitely! Was he terrified that Robyn didn’t love him anymore? Absolutely! No matter how many times she reassured him that she would always love him he couldn’t help but feel like they were just words with no meaning behind them. He had called her non-stop yesterday and didn’t get one response. Not even a text just to say she was busy and she’d call him back. Of course she was busy she was fucking Rihanna, but for Chris none of that mattered. He would drop whatever, whenever for her and he was hurt at the fact that she wasn’t willing to do the same.
“Man you gotta get outta yo own head. That’s what fucks you up most of the time. You like to over think things just because shit aint goin yo way. Sometimes it’s not that serious my dude.” Mijo offered up as he snatched the pack of cigarettes out of Chris’s hands before he could go for a fourth one.
“I don’t get it Mi. She tells me to show her I care, I do it. She tells me to prove to her that I love her, I prove it. It neva seems good enough for her. It’s like she just wants me to keep runnin in circles for her entertainment. I can’t do this shit no more man.”
“Now nigga, me and you both know that’s a lie. That girl loves you and believe me you haven’t made it easy for her ass either. I mean what woman wants to watch the man they love parade around with somebody who isn’t even half of the person she is and pretend to be all in love and happy just to sneak off and call her later to tell her she’s the one you really love. Ain’t no self-respecting woman putting up with that shit and nigga this is Robs we talkin bout. Fuck a Rihanna cus that’s not who she is when she’s with you but let’s talk about Robyn. She been yo A1 since day 1, you better open yo eyes and realize that shit before it’s too late.”
“Nigga you don’t think I know that. Fuck you think I’m doing all this shit for. I’m changing myself for the better slowly but surely and it’s all so I can be the man she wants me to be.”
“How you gone be the man she wants you to be when you can’t even be the man YOU need you to be? You gotta wanna change for yaself and not someone else cus it’s only gone make you resent that person and hate the person you’ve become. Listen man I love you and I want nothing but the best for you but you gotta start doing yo part. Stop sitting here all woe is me and get yo shit together.” With that Mijo got up and hugged his friend before retreating from the bedroom.
Hours later and Chris was still in the same spot. He hadn’t spoken a word since Mijo left and he didn’t have the energy to move. Maybe Kae was right. Maybe he didn’t know how to give real love or receive. That was his only explanation to why his life was such a mess right now. He could never win. He couldn’t be happy all around. It was always either or for him. He was in a good place career wise and with his upcoming tour it was only going to get better. His love and home life was another story. He did surround himself with a bunch of yes people just so he didn’t have to feel the pain of loneliness like he did back in 09. He couldn’t go back to those days so instead of doing something productive about it he took the easy route. Suddenly his phone began to vibrate snapping him out of his thoughts. As he took it out and placed it to his ear before answering he couldn’t stop the smile spreading across his face.
“Christopha what’s gwan wit you?” Her accent was like music to his ears flowing through the speaker of his receiver.
“Hello to you too Robyn”
“Don’t hello mi, no what dees tweets be bout?”
“Nothing babygirl I was just venting.”
“Now you know I know you betta than dat, so answer di question.”
“Nothing, I was just feeling a lil down so I tweeted through it but I’m good now.” Chris said trying to sound confident.
“No you’re not. Now I don’t want to have to tell you again to stop lying to me. What is wrong with you Chris?” He signed long and hard before clenching his eyes shut and falling back on to the bed.
“Why didn’t you answer my calls yesterday? I could have been dying.”
“Negro if you don‘t stop being dramatic. I didn’t have my phone on me. It was in Jen’s clutch.”
“Well why didn’t you call when you finally got it.”
“My phone died and by the time I charged it I was already on my way to the airport to head back home.”
“Oh, so you in Barbados?”
“No I’m not in Barbados and stop trying to distract me. Now tell me what is going on with you or I swear to jah I’ll call mama.” Chris laughed at her threat before unloading his heart.
“I just feel like a fuck up. Like there’s nothing I can do right. My mama don’t like me right now, me and you barely talk anymore and Kae is driving me crazy with all her shit. I just…I just don’t know what to do or where to begin to fix it.”
“Chris you know what, that’s bullshit! You know exactly what to do to fix it you’re just not doing it. You have a praying mother and bestfriend. If you having trouble come to one of us. What you need to do is open ya bible and get on them knees and ask Jah to help you through this. No one is above asking for help Chris. I don’t know what’s it gone take for you realize that.” The line went silent as Chris knew that everything she was saying was true. He had to start stepping up to the plate if things were going to change for him in the positive direction.
“Look babe I’m not tryin to rush you off the phone but they just called for my connecting flight so I gotta get ready to board. I’ll call you as soon as I land but in the meantime don’t be afraid to get on your knees, put your hands together, close your eyes and pray. I love you, gotta go.”
“I love you too.” Chris waited for Robyn to hang up before he dialed another number from memory.
“Hey Mama, will you pray with me?”
“Oh baby of course, you don’t even have to ask!”