me eating cereal for 10 minutes

  • My husband last night: If you're getting a ride with me tomorrow, remember we have to leave by 7 a.m.
  • Me: Okay.
  • Me this morning: *showers, empties the dishwasher, eats breakfast, dries hair, brushes teeth, gets dressed, packs lunch, takes dog for walk, gives dog pill, re-fills dog food and water dishes, starts the car, is ready to go at 7 a.m.*
  • Husband this morning: *sleeps an extra 20 minutes, spends five minutes sitting up in bed, pours cereal, forgets to eat cereal for 30 minutes, throws out mushy cereal, commiserates with tired dog, puts pants on, brushes teeth, searches for phone for 10 minutes that's ultimately in his pocket, forgets lunch in the fridge*
  • Husband in the car 45 minutes after we were supposed to leave: We're late again!
  • Me: *seethes*
The signs as annoying things that happen to me too often

Aries:  losing something and freaking out for 10 minutes but it was in plain sight the whole time

Taurus: getting a wedgie in tight jeans

Gemini: falling up the stairs

Cancer: accidentally biting your finger when eating french fries

Leo: filling your bowl of cereal only to open the fridge to find no milk

Virgo: texting a new person and having to be very careful with your words cause you don’t want them to know you are a weirdo

Libra: ads popping up for the last thing you searched on Amazon or any online shopping website 

Scorpio: getting a bloody nose in bed and thinking it’s just a runny nose and getting blood all over your pillow

Sagittarius: armpit sweat

Capricorn: spilling turtle food all over the carpet and having to pick it up

Aquarius: your phone dying right when you plug it in

Pisces: standing up too fast and getting dizzy