me at the clubs

Fear.

I don’t fear most things honestly. To be honest I hardly ever think of fear- it’s just not something I think about.
A lot of girls my age talk about being afraid of walking down the street at night. The fear of rape. I never really understand that- I mean rationally I get it. When a pretty girl talks about it. I almost never get it when a fat or ugly girl talks about it because let’s get real.
Anyway, I hardly ever lock my doors. I live on a first level condo and never shut my windows. I sit in a dark parking lot at night after work for a long time alone.
I’m not afraid of other people- I can handle other people and honestly what’s the worst thing someone could do to me? Kill me? Okay. I’m dead. It’s over. Whatever.
Rape me? Alright? I’d probably scream- but then I’d probably say something like “well this isn’t even a good dick… guess that’s why you’re a rapist.” And then he’d kill me… or she. I don’t discriminate. Women rape too. Regardless I’d be dead so like… again- it’s over.
I do fear one thing though. Myself.
Now no not in the “I’m scared I’m going to hurt someone! Ohhhh mysterious cliche.”
No. I’m scared that one day I won’t be me. Like some weird brain tumor will press against my brain in the right way and I stop feeling like myself. I go insane. I start loosing my fucking mind, forget things. Become dependent. Aging. Becoming a shell of who I have always been. I genuinely like myself. Not a lot of people can say that. Like deep deep deep down I believe most of you hate yourselves. I fucking don’t. I like my life, I’m proud of my accomplishments good and bad. I like my alone time, I’m sometimes a cunt. But all in all I think I’m wonderful. If I met an identical copy of myself I’d probably want to fuck her. And then kill her because I don’t believe in clones but that’s another fucking story.
I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m afraid of losing myself. Becoming something I’m not. I like being Paige.

Finally, I have determined what causes the two sides of Yixing.

His hair.

It’s like an on/off switch.

Hair pushed back Yixing: In idol mode. Ready to destroy hearts. Never removes hand his own from crotch.
Hair covering forehead Yixing: is it nap time yet? Ready for the cuddles. Let’s stay in and watch a drama.

Of course there is overlap but there always is.

2

My nail polish came this morning! Got a bit of a hint as I heard something large being shoved through the letter box 😂😍💅🏻✨

Honestly, so happy to be home there’s nowhere I’d rather be. Probably not going to be traveling much for a while save for when my mom and niece come to visit and MAYBE a weekend in Scotland (if MIL brings it up lol).. I just am really loving our quiet house and being together and I know it won’t last so I’m soaking it up! Plus, riding the rollercoaster that is TTC is much easier from within the comforts of our nest. 😂

Remorse, Regret.

“Don’t you wish you could have…?”
“If you could go back would you change….?”
No. I genuinely don’t give a fuck. So many youths today say things like “I don’t give a fuck. No regrets!” But they have them. You have them. You care. I don’t. My fuck budget is LOWWWWW. I ran out of fucks to give at the age of like 6. Funny story I got punished as a child because I cut this girl Samantha Reid’s hair. True story.
I don’t think back on old memories often, unless I’m trying to guilt someone. Or if it’s funny.
I don’t wish I hadn’t done something. I don’t wish I had gone to the big party or whatever.
This emotion I have the hardest time with and I try to understand it but I can’t.
I never feel sorry for the things I’ve done- if I did it I meant it. Why would I be sorry. With my fiancé he constantly asks dumbfounded “why aren’t you acting sorry.” And I always reply with “because I don’t feel sorry.”
Matter of fact. If I don’t want to do something I don’t do it. If I want to do something I do it. Simple?
Is it a bad choice? I don’t know?
Should I do it? Only I can decide.

I had this teacher in 7th grade. I don’t remember her name. But she told us once “You always have a choice.” She explained “Someone’s holding a gun to your head- you still have choices. Only you are in control. You can choose to run, choose to fight, choose to die, you always have options even when backed into a corner.”

And I stand by every choice I ever make or will make. Simple.

  • Me: When you get older, you just never find the time to read books anymore.
  • Me: *finds time to read a 200k fanfiction in the span of two days.*
6

What did you do with your Emmy? Where is it living now? Did you get it on a shelf or something like that? Hum, no. My parents came to visit me recently and they kind of like, fix my life when they come over and so they got all these plants, and the Emmy was in a box, and my mom didn’t know that was the Emmy, and so she has a plant beautifully presented on top of the Emmy, with the box. Yeah, it gives a nice blue box. Yeah, exactly. It’s like, supporting life, so it’s pretty… It’s like a worthy thing to do, the right thing. That’s nice. You ever gonna take it out and put it up? No? You’re not gonna put it up? I don’t know. Why?