me and nobody else

It’s the taste of his lips that keep me up at night. It’s the sparkle in his eye when he’s up to no good. It’s the smirk on his face that I see when I close my eyes. His voice sends shivers throughout my body. He makes me weak the way nobody else can. He’s the boy that haunts my dreams.
-those left loving a boy of only fantasy

When I’m having fever dreams I know that I’m way further than the state of ‘not feeling well’ and am really ill.


They usually are incomprehensive, sometimes nightmare-isch and in a rare case funny. But weird would describe them best, I suppose.


Just now I woke up to one that, luckily, was rather funny actually.

I was taking advanced English classes (no idea why, though) and I was sure I knew the teacher from somewhere. His voice, his looks and it took me a while before I realized he was Tom Ellis. The actor who plays Lucifer.


As class continued (he was a very serieus teacher, honestly!) I found it hard to believe that nobody else recognized him. Did nobody else watch the show?!


It made me even doubt myself. Maybe he was just a very convincing look a like.


But as he spoke and on occassion his 'Lucifer’ accent slipped through, I became more and more convinced that it was actually him.


So the rest of the class I was mentally preparing myself to confront him when class would end and ask him a picture, cuz sure in hell (pun intended) nobody would believe me without it.


The rest of the time it was really hard to concentrate because it was just too weird. I was still trying to figure out 'is this real?’


I think I rehearsed on how to ask for a picture like a million times in my head because it was just too unreal XD


Class did end but I woke up before I got my picture.


I do have to say it is one of the weirdest feverish dreams I remember. And perhaps the funniest. So, I post it here before I will forget. That way I can stumble on this once and a while and be rememberd on how my mind tries to cope with fever in sometimes funny ways.


Oh, and since I post this I do somehow feel I owe you all a picture, so I googled and took one from the internet.



Bummer that the dream wasn’t real. I was really interested in continuing the classes.


For educational reasons, of course. XD


i want a Teen Movie™ where the nobody girl is discovered by the Queen Bee™ to be secretly pretty and is inducted into the Popular Girls Clique™ only to try to leave when she is pressured into harming her former nobody friends before the Queen Bee™ begs her to stay and takes off her makeup and jewelry and insists she’ll give them up for the nobody girl because she’s fallen in love with her. 

the princess stayed in the tower and read books about better girls, where their hands learned how to hold swords, where they rode in on horses. i gave her books as often as i could. she devoured them.

her princes saw her and pretended to be scared off by dragons. got too lost in the thicket. didn’t want to handle it.

“tell me what it’s like, out there,” she whispers to me for the millionth time. i take her from The Throne into her bed, tucking her in and making sure her feet are covered. 

“boring without you” i say as always, “but i did bring back a great story.”

i tell her about how the stars change beyond the equator. how there are places it looks like there are twin suns. how the desert crawls into you but so does snow. i talk about the taste of fruit and promise to bring her back some. she falls asleep while i murmur about rivers, and then in the morning i bring her from bed to Throne, even though she can do it on her own. sometimes she likes help, is all, and i’m happy to give it. 

she doesn’t want help getting dressed. the men come for me, blindfold masters i have almost befriended. the path we take away from her is always different, carefully manufactured so i don’t know exactly where she’s located. after all, a lady might get ideas about things.

they let me go in the queen’s room. i report findings, ask for fruit in the next week’s supplies, am told not to spoil the princess, that she must be kind and waifish and wanting when the prince comes. i spend an hour suggesting that fruit might turn the blood sweeter and am allowed six oranges.

in the next week, she marvels over them. turns them in her calloused hands. smells them. holds them until she can’t control her curiosity, devours them. i bring her books about rivers. i bring her books about deserts. 

“when is our birthday?” she asks me tonight. i’m knitting her a scarf for it.

“soon,” i tell her, “i’ll come by.”

she rolls onto one side, looks up at me in the dimming light. “I’m glad they chose you to be mine,” she says, and i drop a stitch. my heart sings against the inside of my wrists. i blow out a candle so she can’t see the blush and i can’t see her lips. i know what she means, i say. i know what she means.

it’s twenty-three for both of us. i bring her a cake we both eat, her on her throne and me on the floor. i am in the middle of laughing when she falls silent in the still night. “nobody else ever comes for me,” she whispers. i say nothing.

we have more cake, we go to sleep. i don’t know if she knows i’m awake, but i hear her crying.

the men come, the men take me. the one that smells like cedar always laughs at my jokes. the queen half-hates me because i remind her of “that nasty thing” they forced on their daughter. 

“the left wheel needs oil,” i mention, “she’s having trouble turning again.”

the queen’s nose goes up. she never reacts when i mention her daughter’s wheelchair by name - doesn’t find it funny we call it a throne, thinks it’s well enough to leave alone.

“well, she’ll have a prince in this next month coming for her,” says the queen, “i’ve arranged it all,” says the queen, “he’s … had the situation explained to him first this time. i thought it would be best,” says the queen. “we’re paying him…. quite a lot for his effort,” says the queen.

situation. she means that her daughter can’t walk very far. she means the situation of towers. i excuse myself. i find my girl books about turning down marriage. i’m not sure why. it’s all she’s ever wanted.

they blindfold me and take me. cedar laughs at my jokes. the sawdust one is here this time, even he chuckles at a few. we ride horses through places i’ll never see clearly. 

“so according to the queen this is the last time i’m needed, huh?” i ask them as they walk me blindly up too many stairs for my girl to make it down, “i’m sorry i never made your acquaintance.”

cedar laughs. he takes off my blindfold and for a second, lets me see his face. “it’s been an honor,” he says, shaking my hand, “you’ve been a perfect lady.”

i spend the day with my princess pretending i am not peeling apart from my bones. i just want her to be happy. to get to come home. 

it’s late. “do you think in a past life i was a mermaid?” she asks.

“almost definitely,” i tell her. 

it’s quiet for a while after. “what if,” she whispers, “i don’t want to leave?”

i sit up and look at her from across the room. 

“it’s just,” she says, “i have you here and all the books i need and nobody makes me walk too long and i don’t feel like… like i’m wrong here.”

i want to tell her she’s never been wrong. that she’s always fit into my heart like a puzzle piece. that, more importantly, the leadership i see in her glows like a fire - that, no matter her body, she’s always been kind and gentle and smart and sweet. a princess that could bring a nation to her feet and do so lovingly.

“it will be okay,” i say, “there’s more fruit to discover.”

she doesn’t say anything. i think i’ve ruined something by accident, but i don’t know what. i don’t really sleep. i don’t say anything when the men come take me.

the world outside without her is boring. no mermaids. i put my hand in a river once a day, just thinking about her. 

two weeks later i am awoken by my name, and a voice i recognize perfectly. cedar stands above me in the darkness. “i know two things in this world,” he says to me, “and one of them is about love.”

this time we make the trip without blindfolds. i see the squalor they keep her in. i see the waste surrounding her castle, the terrible place she’s in. rage fuels my footsteps even when they start flagging. 

the prince is already there. he has dropped her twice, cedar tells me. i am already running up the stairs even though i can barely breathe. i hear her crying through the door and i don’t need to get ready - the fire that starts in me burns so brightly.

i roar inside. turn dragon and beat back prince with girl made rage. the bruises on her body turn me into giant snake. i eat the man alive, or at least i chase him from the place, never to be seen again. later i will hear a rumor about a demon that stole the princess from him.

she cries into my arms. i take her down every single stair. i hear her murmur her thanks into my hair and then i kiss her, because i can’t handle it, because i have places to show her and she has my heart to lead.

my house isn’t much but it’s near a river. she likes putting her hands into it. i take her places when she is able, and otherwise i bring the places back. we read books together. cedar no longer works for the queen, but he’d rather live with the man of sawdust making tiny wooden figurines.

i lie in bed next to her, stroking her soft hair. “do you think i was a centaur in a past life?” she asks.

“definitely,” i tell her, and kiss her, gently. she holds my face and pulls herself closer to me.

“will i be a good queen? i mean, in this life?”

“i’m certain of it,” i reply. i can hear the truth ring in it. the bone-deep certainty.

she’s quiet for a moment. “you saved me,” she whispers, “and usually we’d end up married. but…”

i don’t know how to answer that. i feel ice down my spine suddenly.

“i’m not demanding, is all,” her voice shakes, “i’m asking this time. for you to choose me. for me to be yours, i mean. and for you to be mine. permanently.”

the next birthday we celebrate, we are both queens.

someone: i could never date a trans woman

me: nobody asked

someone else: yea nobody asked!! but i’m a cis bi/pan person! which means that i’ll date the transes! i’m attracted to men, women, and transes! hearts not parts! i’m not transphobic like that other person!

me:

2

I had a friend, the only black British girl that I knew in my year throughout the whole of Oxford. She just emailed me and said, ‘I saw you in a play recently and I hope you’re going to be pursuing acting as a career.’ Nobody else said that to me. And when you look at the screen, it’s like, ‘Dude, there’s nothing there for you.’ That’s a message you’re internalising every time you look at the TV screen, every time you open up a magazine. That you’re not reflected in this culture. That you don’t belong. I thought drama school was a stupid idea. But then I thought, ‘Screw it. Let me apply to just one.

8

Girls, we do, whatever it will take, cause girls don’t want, we don’t want our hearts to break, in two, so it’s better to be fake, can’t risk losing in love again babe. // My love, he makes me feel like nobody else, nobody else, but my love, he doesn’t love me, so I tell myself, I tell myself.

How to Be a Heartbreaker (Marina and the Diamonds) // New Rules (Dua Lipa)

and then there was me, a queer girl in the catholic church with traditional parents. i grew up with a fingernail caught in my throat. i changed the words to songs so i’d be singing about boys. i was scared of “gay”. my mother told me it meant happy but i knew it meant being pushed to the floor of the bus. i remember my bible school teacher telling us that the greatest sin a woman can have is not giving a man her love. i remember realizing i liked girls and putting it in a box i labelled dirty and couldn’t bring myself to touch. when i came out i had to ask if my parents still loved me, like the idea of their acceptance ended where my sexuality began. they pull back when i accidentally slip and admit i like a girl. they promise the church doesn’t hate us, just doesn’t let us get married under god’s roof with god present. oh it’s a fine marriage, we accept it, but technically in the eyes of the church i’m living in sin. it would be better if i liked men. when i was 7 i was sure i was going to unhappily marry a man just to make my parents happy. at 23 i might marry a man just to make my parents happy.

god was this hard thing we couldn’t figure out how to handle. god came beyond the doors of the church. my god answered me at night but reminded me to cower. my god killed my brothers and sisters in the hands of others. how am i to reconcile that god that felt like love and belonging with the god called down in conversion camps. how am i to say i love the light of god when i have seen it burn the flesh of others.

i watch it still. for a while i was spitting and hissing and wouldn’t let god near me. i think it was better then, when i had shut my doors to the idea of it. once i tried to find god again i found myself desperately lost in the forest.

i was always so alone in church. always different. it wasn’t until i mentioned it once in an online chat that i found someone else who had gone through the same thing. how terrible, to form a community of people who have all been cast out. how powerful.

we, together, discussing at two a.m if god is real and if she is where she begins and ends. my brothers and sisters and family - we are all so strong for having survived this. for having been spat out by what should have accepted us. that first community. that first slap. the book that taught us not all books are homes. the book that i spent hours combing over looking for where my flaws were entombed. that curse that keeps following us, doggedly, just when we thought we shook it off - watching others take god as an excuse to punish us, to put into law our discrimination, to enact and enforce violence against us. “god loves you,” we were told. is this what god looks like? our first relationship with abuse?

i am stuck with an eternity of questions. can we find our own god? can we find her in each other? do we leave god entirely, and just find love in the stories of us lost lambs? is god worth it? was the word of god really to ruin us? is god even to blame for any of this, or is this how humans are when they find something to hit? 

all i know is this: i am not alone. and if you’re like me, come to me. talk. i’ll listen. god only knows nobody else did.

What went down in Dislocoeur
  • INTRO SEQUENCE
  • Ms. Bustier: in many fairy tales the prince breaks the spell by kissing the princess, can anyone tell me why?
  • Rose: BECAUSE DO THE SMOOCHY THING
  • Ms. Bustier: that's not really an answer
  • Max: technically this only applies to 87% of fairy tales
  • Ms. Bustier: there's no way that number is correct
  • Ms. Bustier: maybe like 7% or 8% at most
  • Rose: DO THE SMOOCHY THING
  • Ms. Bustier: yes Rose we got that
  • Rose: DO THE SMOOCHY THING DO THE SMOOCHY THING DO THE SMOOCHY THING
  • Ms. Bustier: who are you even talking to
  • Ms. Bustier: are you saying that in the imperative
  • Rose: pls do the smoochy thing :( #ladynoir
  • Adrien: well I just wrote this poem time to toss it in the garbage with the rest of the fandom
  • Marinette: hmm I wonder what that hot guy threw in the trash
  • Marinette: ooh it's a poem!
  • Marinette: "roses are red, violets are violet, poetry is f**king hard, do the smoochy thing pls"
  • Chloé: hmm why is Marinette looking through the garbage
  • Sabrina: did you know there's an entire fandom in there?
  • Chloé: wow she must be really desperate
  • Max: kk Kim it's time for you to run along this route and meet your crush on a bridge
  • Kim: why is her route so convoluted
  • Max: idk but if you meet her on that particular bridge and give her this particular jewel you've got a 87% chance of success
  • Kim: there's no way that number is correct
  • Kim: maybe like 7% or 8% at most
  • Marinette: I say go for it!
  • Kim: kk, running now
  • Alya: NO WAIT COME BACK
  • Alya: NEVER TAKE ROMANTIC ADVICE FROM MARINETTE
  • Marinette: now imma write a poem to Adrien
  • Chloé: and imma break the hearts of a buncha tweens
  • Chloé: hey tweens! you see how fabulous I am? well I'm never gonna date you
  • Chloé: do you see what you're missing out on
  • Chloé: well that was fun anyway I hope one of you gets akumatized now
  • Chloé: F**K ALL Y'ALL TO THE END OF THE WORLD AND BACK
  • Chloé: b**ch I'm out
  • Kim: *goes to bridge*
  • Kim: this is the Pont des Arts, right?
  • Kim: so where did all the locks go
  • Kim: it's just panes of plexiglass
  • Kim: this is way less romantic now
  • Chloé: hey Kim
  • Kim: hey Chloé lemme smash
  • Chloé: are you for real
  • Kim: I got you blue AND yellow
  • Chloé: you're as pathetic as that meme
  • Kim: she doesn't want blue and yellow
  • Chloé: look I've got a buncha tweens clamoring after me now
  • Chloé: so you're like fourth in line at best
  • Chloé: BYE
  • Kim: what has my life come to
  • Hawkmoth: wow this is even more sad than usual
  • Hawkmoth: like, I actually feel really sorry for you
  • Hawkmoth: so here have an incredibly cool transformation
  • Dislocoeur: now we're talkin
  • Dislocoeur: I've got a bow and arrows!
  • Dislocoeur: pew pew pew!
  • Marinette: and now it's POETRY TIME
  • Alya: whaddaya got
  • Marinette: "roses are nerds, poems are easy, lemme smash pls bc I think you're hot"
  • Alya: wot
  • Marinette: wow romance really isn't all that great when you're honest about it
  • Alya: wow and here I didn't think you'd ever have enough experience with romance to figure that out
  • Marinette: ooh sweet burn
  • Marinette: btw that flying guy just shot you with an arrow
  • Alya: yeah that's where the sweet burn came from
  • Alya: and now I'm suddenly tempted to go confront Nino in a rap battle
  • Marinette: YES DO IT
  • Marinette: ok Tikki let's kick that flying guy's butt
  • Dislocoeur: hey it's Ladybug!
  • Marinette: no not yet
  • Dislocoeur: oops sorry
  • Marinette: Tikki, spots on!
  • Dislocoeur: there we go!
  • Ladybug: welp running away now
  • Dislocoeur: pew pew pew!
  • Chat Noir: hey Ladybug I've got a confession to make
  • Ladybug: look I already know you love me ok?
  • Ladybug: please don't endanger us by confessing what's already incredibly obvious when there's a supervillain trying to shoot us
  • Dislocoeur: *shoots Chat Noir*
  • Ladybug: that one's on him
  • Dislocoeur: yeah kinda
  • Chat Noir: now imma kill you
  • Ladybug: why
  • Chat Noir: because hate always wins
  • Ladybug: citation needed
  • Chat Noir: citation: the US election
  • Ladybug: ok fair point
  • Chat Noir: you just accepted anecdotal evidence as proof of a general claim
  • Ladybug: oops you're right
  • Chat Noir: now prepare to die
  • Dislocoeur: *tracks down Chloé*
  • Chloé: wow and here I thought you couldn't get any more ridiculous
  • Dislocoeur: imma shoot you now
  • Chloé: and give me the ability to make even sweeter burns than usual?
  • Dislocoeur: wait nvm that's a terrible idea
  • Chloé: wow even as a villain you can't succeed in anything
  • Dislocoeur: hey Hawkmoth can you Tier 2 akumatize me?
  • Hawkmoth: sorry buddy you're on your own
  • Ladybug: I gotta figure out how to dehateify Chat Noir!
  • Brain ghost Ms. Bustier: the prince breaks the spell by kissing the princess
  • Brain ghost Rose: DO THE SMOOCHY THING
  • Ladybug: disclaimer—the following kiss is intended solely as a means of counteracting Dislocoeur's akuma-granted ability, and should not be interpreted in any romantic or otherwise non-platonic context
  • Ladybug and Chat Noir: *do the smoochy thing*
  • Rose: YES THIS IS PERFECT
  • Chat Noir: I don't remember any of that
  • Ladybug: good now end that f**ker
  • Chat Noir: *ends that f**ker*
  • Ladybug: well I guess we're done here
  • ROLL CREDITS