mblaq:s

dear d,

I thought I was getting over you. I thought I was finally able to fall for someone new without having you on my mind. But it seems like I’m not.

A few weeks ago I dreamt that you were in my class again and that we actually became friends and walked home together. I was so intrigued to knowing everything about you, every little detail.

it seems like I always meet you in my dreams. (do you, too?)

yesterday I was convinced there was a chance I will fall for this boy but then I went to sleep and his silhouette turned out to be you and you did all the things that made me think so fondly of him.

I know that dreams are just dreams but maybe my heart is trying to tell me something.

Either way, I still have to get over you, move past these feelings, right? We’ll probably never work out.

-overly emotional girl

I don’t mind getting hit by a truck right now, I mean I don’t mind even if it happened a long time ago, or might happen soon. I’m not afraid to die, but I also don’t want to die. But still, it’ll be fine, I think. If it happened I won’t regret looking at the light that will catch me, I won’t mind if someone would watch me, or yell at me that “Hey stupid! You will die!” I don’t mind, and I don’t care either. Yeah I’m tired, maybe that’s why I’m having these thoughts. And yeah, I’m waiting for it to happen.
—  6/25/2017 // jin
This is me raising a glass
to all the people you’ve hurt
because we all know
it’s going to take more than a few tears
and bloody cuts so badly wrapped up
for you to ever put the knife down
so here’s to hoping
someone finally stops you
because i took to many bullets
from the gun you called love
to ever want to try again.
To My Father

Dear Scott,

I know little about you. Very little. I know you left my mom when she was in college sometime after you got her pregnant. I know what state you live in, and I know you have two daughters. One of them is me, and you haven’t seen me since I was a year old. I know your second daughter, looks like I did when I was her age. 

When I was fourteen I wanted to meet you, but I was scared that you:

  1. had not told your current wife that I existed
  2. had forgotten about me
  3. did not want to meet me

So I did not seek to contact you. I don’t know if this was or was not a good idea.

I want you to know that I have a hard time speaking about you to my peers at school because they will make jokes that I have “so many dads”. I want you to know that I want to meet my sister, because she is beautiful and I would like to be in her life. I know that it is unrealistic at this point, but I have wishes that you didn’t consider before you left my mom and I. 

Like I said, I know very little about you. The only picture I have of you is from the day I was born, sixteen years ago. I only have one card wishing me a Happy First Easter. I only have one birthday present from you. I’ve kept it all these years. When I first asked who gave it to me (around age 5), it confused me when the man I thought was my father told me my dad gave it to me. 

You have given me a life in which I have never spoken to my father. You made a choice that has changed my life drastically. I often wonder what type of person I would be if you and my mom had stayed together. Where would wee live? Would I be doing different activities? Would I be a different person?

If you didn’t care about anything I just said, I want to let you know that I am scared. I’m scared that if I ever have a child, history will repeat itself and my child won’t know their father. I don’t want my child to not know their father just like I didn’t. So thank you for giving me that fear. 

From, your indifferent ignored daughter,

Madison

It’s sad to know that the person whom you used to talk to isn’t available anymore. I mean that person stopped because of personal matters like, he/she is already tired of you, or he/she already found someone else. It’s sad to be replaced by the person we believe, and to ourselves cannot replace. Though we have the option to do so, we still choose not to because we still care for them; we still love them. I want to talk to a particular person right now, but I know he wouldn’t be there because he’s on the other side of the line answering somebody else’s call.

So I take a sip of the coffee
just to remind myself of how bitter
things can be
because we aren’t the same people
we were yesterday
and we aren’t the same people we are in this dream right now
and
i guess that’s just something
you have to deal with
i dealt with it a long time ago
on a dark road filled with the wreckage
of a broken car
and i’ve not looked back since.
3

You brought food? Of course I brought food. I’m not going on a date with a girl who’s fasting for 19 hours without bringing food. Don’t make me throw you into the water. Seriously. Of course I brought food. I’m Yousef. Awww. Don’t ‘awww’ me. I get really awkward, seriously. I can’t even look at you now. That’s what the backpack is for!

Ich will dich. Ich will uns. Ich will alles, alles was uns ausmacht. Ich will deine Hand halten, dich umarmen, dich küssen und einfach nur bei dir sein. Ich will mit dir lachen und dich zum Lächeln bringen. Ich will glücklich sein. Ich will neben dir gehen und neben dir stehen und all die tausend anderen Sachen machen, die mit dir an meiner Seite so viel schöner sind. Ich will mit dir zusammen sein. Ich will von mir aus frieren, um von dir gewärmt zu werden. Ich will die Luft mit dir teilen, die Bettdecke und mein Leben. Ich will dein Blick auf mir spüren. Ich will neben dir am Morgen aufwachen und neben dir am Abend einschlafen. Ich will mich so eng wie es nur geht an dich schmiegen. Ich will mit dir kuscheln. Ich will dich.