I tried being gay. I went to the meetings. I got the gay starter kit. I read the manual. I hung around with a lot of gay folks. When they sneezed, I tried to run through the sneeze mist, but nothing I did would infect me with the gay. I mostly just got a bunch of colds and runny noses.

My best friend is gay and I asked her to teach me the ways of the gay. But apparently she could only teach me how to be a lesbian, which is actually quite similar to what I already am. They tend to take a few more trips to Home Depot, but liking lady bits and wanting to play with boobies is pretty much the same. 

In the end I fear I am plagued with a chronic case of heterosexualness. I cannot be fixed.