The tragic story of too much info about the sexual relationship of your best friends or why Alya will forever regret trying to kill Adrien
HAPPY BIRTHDAY @lunian !!!!!!! Remember when we talked about this? Well, I couldn’t resist writing it. I hope you’ll like it. Crack ahead. And if the title wasn’t a dead giveaway, this has some sexual references in it. Nothing happens, but many are said.
“ADRIEN FUCKING DEAD AGRESTE!”
All the people who were still in the courtyard of the Collège Françoise Dupont run for the hills (or in this case, the school building) as Alya Césaire appeared and walked towards her best friend’s boyfriend with all the might of a storm.
“Dude, I think she means you.” Nino stage-whispered to his best friend as his girlfriend made a beeline towards them.
“But my middle name is Bartholomé.” Adrien argued.
Nino rolled his eyes. His best friend really needed to set his priorities straight. “That’s what worries you?”
Adrien gulped. “Burry me in a polka dotted coffin, please.”
Nino was under the impression he wasn’t kidding in the slightest. “Sure, if there is anything left to bury.”
“There won’t be!” Alya snarled as she lifted Adrien by the neck.
Well, this morning is certainly bound to be interesting, Nino thought.
One day, Marinette will be on time to school. One day. Today wasn’t that day. As Marinette speed walked through the school yard she couldn’t help but notice what a beautiful day it was. The sun was shining, birds were singing, Adrien was being strangled by Alya… wait a second.
“Alya!” Marinette shouted, rushing towards them. “Put him down.”
Her best friend was obviously not happy to have to delay her murder. Meanwhile, Nino considered if he should stop filming the whole thing. If Marinette was here, then maybe there won’t be need of proof for the police for a murder. Though, let’s be real, he would never turn his girlfriend in. He would have just posted the video on YouTube in his collection of An Infinity of Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Piss Alya Off. If he was recalling correctly, this video would be number 2749.
“Alya, what is going on? Why are you strangling my boyfriend.” Marinette questioned crossing her arms, while Adrien was gasping for air on the ground.
“Marinette,“ Alya’s tone was regretful and the sad look in her eyes indicated something bad was coming. “I’m sorry to say this honey, but he is cheating on you.”
And in that moment, Marinette felt her whole world crashing down. “What?! With whom?”
Marinette was dying to hear that answer. Who? Did Adrien really cheat on her? Was it some rabid fangirl who jumped at his bones and Alya just got the wrong impression?
Alya sighed. “With Ladybug.”
Marinette blinked. “Damn.” both her and Adrien whispered maybe a little too loudly. Thus Adrien choked, cause he still didn’t regain his proper breathing.
“That’s… unexpected.” Marinette managed to say, trying to think of something plausible to get them out of this situation. She knew it was a bad idea to make out when only one of them was transformed. Damn Adrien and his filthy thirst for her spots. “It isn’t a problem, though, cause… um… this is… an… open… relationship.”
Oh well, not the worst excuse she could have had come with. Alya crossed her arms obviously expecting an explanation while Nino muttered a ‘dude’ under his breath. That’s when Adrien decided to be a supportive boyfriend.
“Yeah. Marinette has her fun times with Ladybug too,” he said, raising his index finger as if that would help him make a point while he was still laying on the ground.
Why is he like this? Marinette sighed internally.
Alya turned to Marinette with an expression that was a mix of shock and anger. “You are hooking up with Ladybug and you didn’t tell me?!”
Marinette glared down at Adrien, who looked sheepish. “Yeah. And don’t forget about Chat Noir.”
“Chat Noir?” both Alya and Nino screamed simultaneously.
“Yeah,” Marinette stated, looking at Adrien, who finally picked himself off the ground, with a mischievous look. “Why don’t you tell us about your escapades with Chat Noir, Adrien?”
Her boyfriend laughed nervously. “What escapade do you mean?”
Marinette smirked. “Well, you did tell me that Chat Noir found you wearing cute yet sexy Ladybug lingerie.”
At this point, Nino had to turn off his camera, unable to hold his phone anymore. “Dudeeeee.”
Alya, to everybody’s surprise, was silent until now. But there was as much as the shock could keep her from asking. "But what about Ladybug?”
“Oh, she thinks the same” Marinette replied calmly while analyzing her nails.
“No, no, I mean, I thought Chat only loves her.”
“Oh that… well, who can resist this model ass?” she asked rhetorically while slapping Adrien’s ass for emphasis. Nino nodded vigorously as well. Honestly, wasn’t it universal knowledge everybody loved Adrien’s ass?
Adrien glared at Marinette. Not for smacking his ass, mind you. He loved getting his ass smacked by her. But for making fun of his taste in lingerie. Well, if this is how she wanted to play, so be it then. “Of course. So if we are discussing this topic, why don’t you mention that time when Chat caught you wearing lingerie inspired by his outfit?”
’Well, don’t try hiding the fact that once you begged Ladybug to tie you with her yoyo.“ Marinette scoffed, trying to hide her blush. That had been an interesting night.
"I need a bucket,” Alya muttered, not sure what to think of her friends and her idol anymore.
“YOU CALLED CHAT NOIR’S DICK AS A BATON!” Adrien shouted louder than necessary, while blushing.
“I guess, I need one too” Nino said, wishing he will just forget everything that had been said so far. And from now on, because apparently Marinette and Adrien weren’t done.
“Remember when you told Chat Noir that you want a collar with a bell too?”
“Oh, really Marinette, should I remind you that one time when I walked on you and Ladybug and you were blindfolded?”
Nino glanced at Alya. “Are we kink shaming them now or later?”
“Then you asked us if you can be blindfolded instead and, I quote ‘used as your little sex toy’.” that had been a strange day. She had an urge to blindfold herself, Adrien came over unannounced and things escalated quickly and she discovered some new kinks of her boyfriend.
“I guess, if we die right here, right this second, they wouldn’t notice it.” Nino states, but Alya was unable to reply anymore, not sure what to make out of this whole conversation.
“You begged Chat Noir to slap you with his tail belt.” Adrien argued back, while his face was putting any ripe tomato to shame.
Marinette screeched. “YOU WERE WEARING MY FAVORITE PINK STOCKINGS.”
“THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT.”
"I’m sure it totally does.”
Adrien scoffed, crossing his arms. “But you can deny they suit me.” he knew she liked them. She even said so that night. They had been a little tight, but she had made him a matching pair better fit for his height.
"Jesus, how many moments like this do they have?” Nino questioned, clearly shocked by how kinky his bro was. And he was sort of afraid fo the answer, if he had to be honest.
“What’s more important, why are we still listening to this mess?” it was Alya’s turn to ask questions that will never get answers. “I’m not even sure if I want to use this thing as blackmail or just erase it from my brain forever.”
“To be honest, it would be much better if Adrien really just cheated on Mari with Ladybug,” Nino said hesitantly, obviously scared of Alya’s reaction. “I mean, I wouldn’t have forgiven him if he ever did that, but at least, in that case, us, innocent bystanders wouldn’t have to be traumatized for life.”
Alya could only nod. Honestly, the mental picture fo Adrien in Ladybug themed lingerie left her with brain damage.
After what seemed like an eternity Adrien and Marinette finished their not so little argument, both huffing and as red in the face as the surface of Mars. Not that anybody would say that out loud, given how much of a nerd Adrien is, he would come with some science facts about the color of the surface of Mars.
“So yeah, we have an open relationship.” Marinette concluded, the two of them finally turning to their best friends.
“We got it after the reminder about Chat Noir, thank you.” Nino said, sarcastically.
“Now get outta of my sight, my poor brain had dealt enough with your kinks for now and forever.” Alya ordered waving her hand desperately while rubbing her temple with her free hand.
“Well, if you didn’t want to kill me, none of this would have happened.” Adrien said with a smug smirk.
Alya snarled. "Next time neither Marinette or even fucking Ladybug won’t stop me, Agreste.”
Adrien gulped. Marinette slapped him compassionately on the ass.