maybe that is a good way of describing what i am feeling

As Travars

In the story A Darker Shade of Magic by VE Schwab, as travars appears often for travel or in their case a sort of teleportation. In some way it has hit home for me- connecting with me. I cannot describe what it is about it fully. I just feel calm and a little more hopeful after saying it or writing it.

Today is not a very good day. Although I try to keep gloom at bay, it crept in silently and intertwined itself entirely. I find myself repeating it over and over to feel that ease in my heartbeat and the steadiness of my breath.
°°°°°as travars
°°°°as travars
°°°as travars
°°as travars
°as travars

Something simple. Something connected to the things that I adore. I found this within the pages of a loved book. I found this to be a way of serenity. I found this, “as travars”, to be a way of steadiness.

I am very grateful for it. Specially with a day of saddness and moments feeling trapped.

-fingers crossed,

I have been meaning to write this post for weeks and I finally got my ass down to do it. How do you describe such major changes in your life? It sounds so cliché but seriously if someone 3 years ago would have told me that I’ll not finish university, move to a different country and will be 25 kg lighter I’d be probably still laughing….yet, here I am!

Let’s start with the toughest one, school. Yeah, I got expelled from Hogwarts. I felt (maybe still do) feel sorry about it but what happened in the past months has made me realize life is so much more than just school. (It makes my life sound so interesting…HA! don’t be fooled my friend, I just work work and work really). But now I don’t mind that it happened this way. I’ve grew up in a household where though my parents always, always tried to give us everything, money was always an issue. I’ve had several jobs next to school for ridiculous wage that was not even enough to pay rent. So now when I can actually go out with friends, I cannot even describe how great it feels to choose something I want to, not what I can afford. I am in love with my jobs (which is a good thing, considering I work 70-90 hours per week) and Malta is wonderful.
I have no idea what to do with my future though. I want to go back to school but not for now. I enjoy life at the moment. I’m still in love with sciences but I’m also becoming interested in different things like book publishing or foreign policy. How do people decide what they want to do for the rest of their lives?

Now, ladies and gentleman, let me give the big news…I am officially -25 kg (50 pounds) down. It has been the hardest, yet easiest thing I’ve ever done. I still remember when two years ago just before New Years Eve I decided I’m gonna change. How I did 5 minutes from a 20 mins workout video with my door locked and curtains closed in my room then died. How my own brother told me ‘just accept it that you’re fat and stay that way’. But I did not. I don’t know what kept me going, I just knew I want this. It all went super slow, I wasn’t as committed as most of you wonderful people, but I did made changes slowly. I was so terrified when I first joined a gym, then super happyly after 2 month of 4-5 sessions per week I wanted to show off my baby muscles to my dad…and all his reply was ‘fuck this is only fat, stop kidding yourself’. Thank you supportive family. But I kept going, no matter what and here I am today, halfway at my planned journey. Now when I see people I haven’t seen in a while, they all tell me shocked ‘wow, are you eating? You have lost lots of weight!’. Yes, I’m eating more than enough, but trying to make healthy choices. Yes, that includes a jar of nutella by the spoon every now and then, lol. And what’s really frustrating is that they think I don’t eat, it has been only since I moved away from home. NO. IT HAS NOT. I’ve more work in this than they can ever imagine even if they chose to ignore that. It’s really not genetics or whatever…it’s just YOU. Only YOU. You want to do it or no? I know it is hard but if this is what you want then you can 100% succeed.

But please don’t think your weight is the problem. Don’t think that all your problems will magically be solved once you lose that weight. YOU ARE ALREADY WONDERFUL. For me it is really difficult to socialize with people and make conversations. I thought it’s just because I’m fat and shy, and yes it was probably the reason I was shy, but losing the weight did not make it easier to talk. I have gained tons of self confidence yeah…but in one way everything changed, yet nothing. It’s still so difficult for me to talk to people. Making your brain understand that you have always been good enough, that’s the difficult part. Not waking up early to go for a run or a workout before work. Not trying to set up a meal plan for the week (though that’s a bitch as well). No, the most difficult thing is to see how wonderful you are, no matter what you think. You are always worth it. 

Also, I’m sorry I just appear sometimes then disappear for weeks. I have a crazy work schedule with 75+ hours each week (plus no internet at home). But each time I open tumblr just to check up on you, you always give me the biggest rush of motivation. Wonderful people like @nomoreexcusesforjules, @polvodstars, @thehealthierhappierheatherier, @queenbliss, @mybigfatfitlife (I know we don’t know each other but you are my biggest inspiration ever Harmony, along with @fatmaninalittlesuit, who’ll now probably thing I’m a creep just to tag him like that, without ever talking to him…but you rock guys:)). @am-songs I miss your gorgeous face, just like @fireflowerposts. @i-go-bananacrazy, @lifeis2short2bestupid, you ladies, are the best. Thank you for being my wonderful supportive family <3