maybe i'll make part 2 one day!!!

Resident Evil Characters as Onion Headlines
  • Chris Redfield: Man Keeping Running Total Of How Many People In Gym In Worse Shape Than Him
  • Claire Redfield: Siblings Quietly Relieved Older Brother Setting The Bar So Low
  • Jill Valentine: I Am Tired Of These Constant Near-Death Experiences
  • Albert Wesker: World Death Rate Holding Steady at 100 Percent
  • Leon S. Kennedy: Man Who Thought He'd Lost All Hope Loses Last Additional Bit Of Hope He Didn't Even Know He Still Had
  • Ada Wong: Relationship Not A Power Struggle, Woman Who's Winning Reports
  • Barry Burton: Psychologists Say It Perfectly Natural To Fantasize About Sandwiches Other Than One Currently In Hand
  • William Birkin: New Study Going To Take Another Week Or So, Report Scientists Who Look As If They've Been Crying
  • Sherry Birkin: Area Seventh-Grader Now A Woman
  • Alexia Ashford: Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequences
  • Carla Radames: Kitten Thinks Of Nothing But Murder All Day
  • Derek Simmons: Dating Profile Flatly States Man Looking For Someone He Can Control
Russian Doll

It was that time of year where Val took his grandma out for a day of shopping and a nice dinner. He loved his grandma more than anything, well he loved her equally to mama and papa. He brought grandma new sunglasses and new scarves and skirts and whatever else she wanted. She didn’t actually want much, Val just kind of insisted on most of the clothes. Ok on all of it, she actually only wanted a $5 t-shirt a street vendor was selling on their way to Nordstroms. 

After their day out he took his grandma out to eat and a fancy restaurant he called 6 months in advance to book. Grandma wasn’t one for frills, but she deserved everything in the world. She worked just as hard for him and Maks. 

While waiting for dinner, Val had a few things on his mind. 

“Grandma?” he asked. 

“Yes my sweet Valentin?” she rose her warm eyes at him. 

“Do you remember back in 2013, my season with Zendaya?” 

“Of course, oh my little Zendaya, what a sweet kind girl.” 

“You gave me Russian Dolls to give to her… and you said keep her close and I did. As my sister, but why? You didn’t give any of my other partners dolls, an the only other time I’ve seen you give one, is to Maks for Peta.” 

“A grandmother knows, Valentin.” 

“Know what grandma?” 

“When her children have met the loves of their lives.” 

Val was taken aback. What? Well he loved Zendaya a lot, like a lot, but he was kept it brotherly.. or at least he tried. Besides he was too old for Zendaya. Z was young and free and she had her pick of any guy in Hollywood. Even the ones she hadn’t met yet, she could meet a guy in 1 minute and he’d be head over heels for her the next. She didn’t do it on purpose either, she was just..a goddess. 

“Grandma,” he sighed “I’m too old for Zendaya. She can do a lot better than me anyway.” 

“Says who? Did she say that? or did you say that?” 

“I uh, well.” he stuttered. 

“Did she ever make you feel like you were too old?” 

“Well no, teasing every once in a while, but she always said she felt the same, that when we hung out she didn’t really think of age.”

“Then Valentin, you owe it to yourself to find the same happiness your brother has. From the day you came home and told me and your parents about Zendaya, going on and on, I knew she was the one for you.”

“I’ll think about it Grandma.” 

“Don’t think too long. It took 35 years for me to get a grandbaby out of your brother.” 

“Grandma!!!” Val would have to do some thinking and call Z later, right now he had to explain to his grandmother why his apparent 19 year old “love of his life” couldn’t have a baby right now.