maybe i need some rehab

Just a rant you'll likely ignore

Ever have those times you just feel like crying? There’s literally nothing wrong but you feel like it anyway? I really need yo get myself alone and just let it out because I am so full of loathing right now. I need a break from tumblr because this site does nothing to help me. Almost every time I come on here I feel like I get a slap in the face for being a white girl, and everybody is complaining about how whites haven’t changed in the past hundred years, the way they treat blacks and all. And it hurts me because my family had NOTHING to do with that. Literally nothing. They all immigrated here from Russia and Germany and all other places after all that happened. And then I go on random tags and see “cis scum” and I have to question myself-what did I do to deserve being called that? I didn’t ask to be born. I was stronger than the other sperm, but to be alive only to be told I am part of the problem because of the color of my skin and that I identify as my born gender? This site is toxic. Fun on the right days, but absolutely toxic. And to be honest my family doesn’t help. I’m the second child. My brother may be a dumb ass and barely able to pay bills but he’s the first child. They always forgive him. They listen to him. Anything I try to say they write off. When I try to be serious or funny. It doesn’t matter. I can’t even take care of my own horse without being told what to do. I’m the one going to college. I’m the one who is trying yo plan a goddamn future for myself. And yet, I’m the one nobody takes seriously.
Is it because I’m blonde and tall and look athletic? Is it because people take one look at me and go ‘all brawn, no brains’? What is it? I’m not stupid. I actually passed my AP classes, and I graduate with a 3.86. I nearly drove myself crazy with homework. I got out once a week to see my “therapist” and having to deal with the asshole who broke my trust in people once again. I see all this hate flying around everywhere and I come on tumblr expecting to be haply but instead I see fighting and arguing and things I don’t care for and people blaming me for history and remarks and privilege I have nothing to do with. I see people stereotyping everybody and then going around saying “don’t judge people by their looks/identity/party!” I see people who love the US one second and then go back and say that the US sucks. I see people complain about our health care system. But do they do the research for other countries with free health care? Denmark for instance, only because I know about it thanks to the exchange student who lived with us. A 27% sales tax, and when they get their check they pay about 54% of it back to the government. For free healthcare and dentalcare and all that stuff. I see people complain about our system, but do they not realize that people come here from so many other countries FOR our health care, because it moves faster than other systems? I see people complain about our military and our government and the laws passed, and then go on to overlook the man who runs the military and the government and passes the laws. I see people complain about guns and curse us for having them, and then talk about needing better protection. You know what would also help lower death rates? Getting rid of cars. Drunk driving, hit and run accidents, motorcycles, distracted driving, etc… You know how people transport guns? Using cars. Imagine how the death rates would go down if we got rid of cars as well.
I see people complain about how our military is, and then do not look at other militaries. You want to talk about cruel people? Look at Japan. Look at all the damage they have done to China and Korea. But it’s in the past? Look even at what they did to the US. Still in the past? Yes. But that is what we need to look at to prepare ourselves for the future. I don’t like it when people defend illegal immigration, and say that we need to cater to the people who come here illegally. Other countries don’t do that. They make you learn their language and their rules. In the US, they run rampant and should anybody step in and say anything, the law enforcement is oppressing them.
Yes, the US is fucked up. But you know what? It is the first democracy that has lasted more than 100 years. Nobody thought it would work. But it has. And look at our progress! Look at how strong we are, or were. We were a superpower! We were the global peacekeeper! And now we have people saying we need to keep out of other countries business. That’s like seeing bullying going on in the hallway or on a playground and ignoring it.
The United States is a fucked up place. But so is tumblr. I don’t even know where I wanted to go with this but it turned into a rant. I honestly hate this stupid website. It takes away my attention from other things. It makes me feel bad for being myself. It makes me hate myself because I am a white female. I want to talk about my problems, but then I see other people talking and just push them away. What right do I have to complain? I’m white, I’m female. I have privileges. After all, there is no racism or discrimination against white people. (Even though there is, and it has been directed at me before.)
To be completely honest, I’m a low-risk for suicide. I have thoughts about it. I think about how to plan it. It’s not something I can stop because I’ve done it since middle school. But I think about who I’d leave behind. I can’t so it. Being on this site makes it worse, though. I come on tumblr and see how people talk about white people and the government, how they stereotype after claiming to be against it, and see jokes that have nothing to do with me but have everything to do with me. And I hate myself even more. And there’s no way for me to let it out. I want to hurt myself. I’ll likely delete this post later but I just wanted to say it. To get this out. I’m quite seriously contemplating deleting my blog. I’m not sure how much longer I can take this website. To be honest, in not quite sure how much longer I can take life as well. My dream is to live mostly by myself, with one or two other people, taking care of animals. I want away from society. Society seems quite poisonous. I want to be someplace where I can be myself and not worry about offending somebody. I want to be someplace where I can actually love myself. Because right now, I am quite sure I hate myself a lot more than most of you realize.
I doubt too many people will read this anyway. I’m really not that important it seems.
Sorry.
Alanah

youtube

So this is dedicated to my new crew that I’m rolling with (who are all amazing I might add). I was in the car this morning, and this song came on, and all I can think about is us fangirling and our obsession with SPN. The people next to me probably thought I was having an episode or something I was laughing so hard. So listen and follow along as I take you on this journey :)
It would be even funnier if I could find all the times we have referenced moments like this, but that would just take too long, so please just think about your own memories.

climbthatmooselikeatree mamapeterson skidaddle-o3o crowley-is-my-homeboy rizlow1 hidingfrommychildren femmedplume jessica-bones-winchester spnjensenlove02
(If I didn’t tag you I’m sorry, but know that we love EVERYONE who adds on to our little circus, so please keep doing so! This is one of the most inclusive, incredible group of people ever, and it will only do better by growing!)

Maybe I need some rehab
Or maybe just need some sleep
I got a sick obsession
I’m seeing it in my dreams

I’m looking down every alley
I’m making those desperate calls
I’m staying up all night hoping hitting my head against the wall


What you got, boy, is hard to find
I think about it all the time

I’m all strung out, my heart is fried
I just can’t get you off my mind!


Because your love, your love, your love is my drug
Your love, your love, your love

Your love, your love, your love is my drug
Your love, your love, your love

Won’t listen to any advice
Momma’s telling me I should think twice
But left to my own devices,
I’m addicted – it’s a crisis

My friends think I’ve gone crazy
My judgment’s gettin’ kinda hazy
My sleaze is gonna be affected
If I keep it up like a love sick crack head


What you got, boy, is hard to find
I think about it all the time

I’m all strung out, my heart is fried
I just can’t get you off my mind!

I don’t care what people say
The rush is worth the price I pay
I get so high when you’re with me
But crash and crave you when you leave


Hey, so I got a question
Do you wanna have a slumber party in my basement?

WE ARE ALL HAVING A SLUMBER PARTY BECAUSE SKIDADDLE IS GETTING UNMARRIED JENSEN WHEN FEMME SUMMONS HER AND WE ARE ALL GOING OUT AFTERWARD TO HAVE TACOS AND THEN HAVING A MASSIVE SLEEPOVER
(see here for answers about why this is so funny)

Do I make your heart beat like an 808 drum
Is my love your drug?

Your drug?

Huh, your drug?

Huh, your drug?

Is my love your drug?


Hey, hey, so
Your love, your love, your love, your love is my drug
I like your beard